You Don’t Want to Hurt Me, But See How Deep the Bullet Lies
This deep mistrust I harbor is an epidemic disease that will only spread until it has devoured everything I’ve ever loved and could ever love. There is a new silence in my world and the source of that silence has brewed from a longing sadness to a slow, churning, roiling hatred.
I was beginning to feel a bit okay again. I was getting back to finding myself somewhere in the mess of doctors appointments, assessments and work. I was trying to make time for small passions like making more music and reading books again, putting on music instead of deadening my thoughts with talk radio. I was succeeding in small steps at learning how to smile meaningfully. And then it happened. I think somewhere inside I always know it will no matter how other people tell me not to be a pessimist. Everybody fucking leaves and even when I know they will somehow, I’m never prepared. I always feel like the car that gets t-boned in an accident. It always feels like it came out of nowhere and I’m left with the painful aftermath of the whiplash and sudden death of it all.
I gave you a part of myself I haven’t given anyone in a long time, and I trusted you with it implicitly. I also gave you a new part of myself I have never had before to give to anyone and above all else in this life, that part I did not give lightly. You betrayed that trust, in the most significant, cruel, deceitful way you could devise. At the end you could not even muster the fortitude to be honest. You are a coward. I can see there is no room to share personal problems, only one person in the world gets to be broken. What I always saw as acceptance was seen by you as exclusion. What a joke. If I ever tried to include you, I was seen as being insensitive and lacking compassion. What you’ve left is abundant with questions, anger and sadness. You took something from me in promise that you never deserved to be offered, let alone believe it was your right to accept, if this is something you were capable of doing with it. I hope someday you are taught a betrayal as deep as your own. And like me, I hope it shakes you down to the bare bones foundation of your being.
This event pushed me over the edge. I completely fell off of whatever recovery I was in. I’ve spent the last month in a haze of prescription medication to level out my moods and alleviate the pain of a really poorly timed physical injury. I am in sessions every week, tweaking my medication and struggling to stay awake or even live consciously. The medication is hard to wade through and it has been only through the recent decision to scale back that I’ve found my way through the fog at all. My life has until today been completely unmanageable.
I am tired. I am tired of everyone. I don’t want to be; I am tired of expectations I cannot meet no matter how I try, and words that intentions that are forced on me to wear that I did not create. My heart was a home once. And it has been completely burned from the inside out, and yet people keep trying to force residence inside it. You cannot tear a person down this way and expect them to stay standing. My heart was a home, not a prison.
I don’t know what purpose it serves to hollow someone out and then expect them to be full.
It isn’t just the same ballet. It’s the same performance. I don’t dance. I echo.