Our Hearts Sing Less Than We Wanted, ‘Cause We Don’t Know
It’s November with all the vengeance against me it has held for all these years since the cycle began. Every year I have prepared for it as any somber occasion- aware I would be morose and brooding; I was. I was always ready for November to be sad and full of masochistic reflection- prepared to be looking back as if that is where my attention belongs this month every year.
But this time I’ve tried a new tack. “Look forward. look forward, look forward, look forward.” I cannot be blindsided if I have my eyes open. I don’t have the time to waste always looking back at something that cannot ever be different. All I can do is change how I feel about what doesn’t change and can I do that always looking behind me at what was, who I was? Or do I look forward? I got three days into the month and the nightmares started. This year, they’re different. At first, I thought good.
I had a lucid moment in the first dream. There was a reconciliation. A new beginning. There was happiness in an unexpected change in events (I don’t have time to waste always looking back at something that cannot ever be different). I realized somewhere in the back of my head that the circumstances under which this at-first-dream-then-nightmare were wrong. I dreamed it through a younger view of myself. It felt freeing at the moment it was happening in my head, like, “If I can dream this, feel this, think this, if my feelings can change enough for this, maybe I can let it go now.” I remember thinking it and feeling this relief unlike I have known ever. But almost as soon as I had it, it began to slip away. Those feelings of relief quickly became poisoned with this feeling of being trapped and powerless and unable to do or say the right thing to stop anything or save anything.
Control is an illusion. At least it has been for me. Everyone around me thinks they have it, and sometimes even I think they do, but the truth is I know that power is tenuous and it’s only as strong as your belief in it. I just want to let go. Let go. Look forward.