Push Me Away, Make Me Fall, Just to See the Other Side of Me
I know this update isn’t the next chapter of the book I’ve been going through- I intend to do that soon. I thought that in the interim, I should do an update because things are starting to happen.
So, at the beginning of the summer, I spoke to my doctor, who essentially told me she did not believe in mental health disorders, and that ultimately they’re personality flaws. I was told to get over myself and read a self-help book. I left the doctor that day feeling unstable and scared, full of self-hate that it did not feel like she was right but she had to be, and also a deep anger because ultimately I knew she was wrong, and once again I was met by an indifferent medical professional who was using me to make a quick buck without actually having to do her job. I googled my Doctor and found hundreds of complaints about her treatment of her patients. Her origin was in physiotherapy and sports medicine, before she took an upgrade to a family practice.
After the last time I ended up in the hospital, VIHA stepped in after I essentially made a complaint and have hugely taken over my care. Within a month I was starting to receive updates from people about accessing programs that would find me a new doctor, properly refer me to my endocrinologist directly, get me an insulin pump, advocate for my disability, and help me find and utilize a therapist. Finally I am starting to feel like people are listening to me. At the same time that acknowledgement is new ground and I am nervous. I’m trying to convince myself it’s nervousness, not fear, but I think it’s both. I’m trying not to let that fear hold me back from getting what I need.
The hardest part of this, despite feeling kind-of vindicated, is hearing people who deal directly with trauma on a daily basis tell you that they’re overwhelmed hearing everything you’re dealing with. It’s hard because you know that the reason people are ignoring you and have shut you out all this time is because it was easier than trying to understand what even you can’t. It’s hard when people on the outside are angry at you for your feelings and/or decisions, it can all seem so black and white from the outside but completely muddied on the inside. Everything feels so deeply entangled.
I’m right at the beginning of the battle. But for the first time someone is there, willing to help me fight it. That is a humongous relief- just knowing your life has the capacity to change and be better. I’m tired of being this lone being bopping around a medical system helplessly that expects me to recover without ever having to give me the resources or time to do so. Here’s hoping.