Things Get Damaged, Things Get Broken, I Thought We’d Manage
…But words left unspoken left us so brittle…
Who was I before all of this? I wish that’s a question I could answer. If you had asked me then, I am sure I’d have known. I remember being sure of myself- probably for the first time in my whole life. I remember being proud of myself, fond of my body. I remember owning a confidence I’d spent my whole life searching for. Now I feel like that confidence was built on a house of cards. I was sure of myself and of nothing else.
As much as it hurt me, somewhere inside I wanted it to mean something. I wanted it to be worth it. Was it worth it? Because 7 years have passed and do you know what’s different? I’m 29, I’m unsure of myself, and I doubt everything every second. I died in 2007. My heart stopped. Quiet honestly I don’t even know for how long but there were several days after- some in a coma, some awake- that I was expected to die permanently. I spent those days waiting for it to come. Ever since I feel like I’m still waiting. I feel like a ghost.
I’ve been hanging on to consciousness, one second to the next, just holding on for dear life. When do I get to feel like the master of my universe again? I’m unsure of everything I do, everyone I know. I doubt every decision I’ve ever made. They’ve all been like tripping and instinctively putting my foot down to keep from falling on my face, over and over again. All of my movements and decisions are reactive. When do I put my foot down on purpose, where I want it to be? When do I stop making every decision I make based on my survival, and start making them based on my happiness?
I still feel lost. I still feel diminished. I still feel damaged. When do I start feeling like myself again? Will I be sure? Will I be confident? Will I like myself? My happinesses are small. Most of the time I settle for distraction in enjoyments. I’m not sure those are the same thing.
Who am I now, since all of this? I wish that is a question I could answer.