You’re Like a Stranger, You Vanished Like a Vapor
WordPress has solved this problem for me that I feared for many years. I’ve been blogging since I was 15 years old. That’s 13 years worth of thoughts and feelings that one day would just disappear. A defunct blog- all of its posts erased after a year or two of not being used. I don’t know why I never thought to import and merge them together before, but here it is now.
I look back 10 years and I remember how light I was- how small the problems and how innocent and naive the mind. Sex was something to snicker about- to hallmark and of which to make ritual, to count and track as though it were some poll marker proof of something. Part of me misses that girl, misses being that girl. I miss having everything to look forward to. I miss not knowing what was coming- being someone that as an adult, things had not happened to yet. I wish I had known then how much I wanted to be who I was. I was so unsure of myself. We take ourselves for granted when we’re young.
I remember, around this time, 2002, being scared of the future. I was looking at moving. I wish I had run toward it sooner instead of staying. I wish I knew what that path looked like. Instead I stayed for someone with whom I will never have closure, who the memories of still sometimes haunt, who I manage to run into without fail every single time I go home.
I miss my home.
I feel strange and nostalgic. I feel sad but happy. I’ve saved memories I was certain I would lose. That means something to me. Maybe I should, but I don’t want to forget.