Inevitable Days

This will be a mixed subject post. I want to be one of those people who looks forward only, toward the things that are coming, prepared and excited. I am a deeply introspective person in many ways, though, and often find myself looking back, wondering how things might’ve been different. It isn’t productive, or useful. Many times it can even be depressing. It’s almost the same as fantasizing, only it doesn’t bring me happiness. What I tend to think on looking back, are the losses and endings of things, and people. I see this as being a deep flaw in myself.

Today, I went to my Mom’s old house for the last time. I mean, I pass it regularly, but this was meant to be the last time I’d go inside. I’ve had the keys for a little while but had no time to actually go there. What I hadn’t been informed of was that it had been foreclosed on and almost immediately sold to a housing company. The door handles had been sawed off and replaced. There was no going inside. Through the windows, small things my Mom had left behind were locked away where they couldn’t be reached. It isn’t her house anymore. How do I wrap my head around all of this?

On top of that, my brother announced this week that just 10 days before my 28th birthday, he will be moving to the United States. on the other side of the continent, to be near my Mom, and start over. I’ve lost an enormous chunk of my family in the last three years. First, my Grandfather (the only one who is actually now deceased), my Mother, my little Sister and now my Brother.

I think that the thing that has me frightened about that is that completely removed from my marriage, I have no safety net that is entirely my own. A lot of promises were made to me by “friends” and “family” in my last relationship. After all, we were common-law, we’d invested almost 6 years in one another. It was just expected that we were on our way to more, someday. However, all of those promises were broken, and I couldn’t rely on even the most minor of words that had been said. Promises mean nothing when sides are taken and they’re not on yours. Loyalty is a powerful thing, and quite often it will take priority over conscience. Where do I land when the promises that people have once again made me break? Granted, there is a child involved, and this is the first time I’ve actually been married. I have no fears of divorce, not really. It has been a tough two years and that has impacted our marriage, but I feel like we’re strong. So why am I scared? Why am I skeptical? Why am I grieving? Maybe in some way, losing these people in my life who made my life what it is, or have made me who I am, is a little like losing myself.

I feel like a child going off to kindergarten alone on the first day.

To shift gears, now, has any other Mom experienced this? When I was on maternity leave, it was generally expected that I bore the brunt of the home and baby aspect of everything. After all, I was home all day. And my Son has severe medical complications because of the circumstances surrounding his birth. So I attended every appointment, which for months was at least 2-3 days a week. I had to keep track of all of the information and be able to translate it and communicate with dozens of doctors and nurses. I had to keep his immunizations up to date and remember what days his teeth came in and look out for seizures.

Night after night I would be the only parent up to change diapers, breast feed or make bottles or rock the baby back to sleep. I was the one feeding him the baby food and brushing his teeth and bathing him and changing his clothes. Because my Husband worked. I was the one cleaning the house and taking out the garbage and running the errands. It was expected of me. My husband worked. He needed sleep at night and to relax when he got home- after all, he’d been on his feet all day.

So now that I’m back to work full time, it seems I’m still expected to do all of these things. Nobody feeds my son solids for the 8 hours I’m at home, or changes his clothes. Diapers get changed but bins pile up with diapers until the house reeks like urine. I’m finding used wipes in my Son’s room on the floor- sometimes mixed with laundry and toys. Nobody sweeps, and I’m finally having a fit when there are no clean dishes or there are four weeks of garbage not taken out. I’m still having to do everything, otherwise it does not get done.

Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon? Is that why Moms are superhuman? I can’t tell you the last time I had one solid sleep. I nap. If I do more than nap, I end up finding my kid drinking out of bottles that smell like blue cheese, or wearing clothes that have been dripped and drooled on until his neck is a land of perpetual wetness. The last time I asked my husband to do a chore, it was laundry. I had to do it myself. Then I asked him to fold it when it was done. A week later, just out of sheer protest, I had to do it myself also.

Then there are the work politics. But that’s a whole other issue. I’m going through a great deal of transition going back to work, and about to become a first time home owner (and under the most debt I’ve ever incurred in my life). The family element has complicated everything all the more. I’m feeling just overwhelmed. And sad. And I hope it passes. I’m trying to find happy things to cling to.

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/16/2013.

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