Brush Me With Venemous Lips, Tear Me To Passionate Strips, Stir Up The Beast Inside
Since my last post, things are a lot better. It’s amazing what your perception of things are when you’re both so tired that you forget to notice what each-other is dealing with. Funny is that otherwise, not a whole lot has changed, with the exception that we are using a much more open dialogue. We’re both tired. Things are stressful. A baby has sincerely changed the dynamic of things. I found that one of the things that helped, really, is being more dependent. Do less in some regards and more in others. Once it became clear how much work, how tiring, how much effort and involuntary change is involved in childcare, things became a lot better. I felt more supported. I felt more like the things that are different were seen as necessary instead of as excuses. I realize that it takes more work to nurture a marriage when your attentions are drawn away by children. But it also takes the compromise of seeing that your children come first, and should do. We take turns more often. I think this is a good prelude to my return to work. There are days coming when I won’t be my Son’s more readily available caregiver.
I’d be lying if I said this was totally okay with me. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I’m almost feeling the separation anxiety already. I hate the way the economy is. I would love the luxury of being a stay-at-home parent. I realize that it is still a lot of work, that it is hard (because I do it now). What I mean by “luxury” is that I would prefer to stay home. I almost feel like a bad parent for having to go back to work, even though it seems to be a societal standard now.
Well, ultimately, we seem to be happier now, simply through having tried to change our perception of things, though it all could be markedly improved if we were not all really sick. In the last month, the entire household has been sick twice. A wave of walking pneumonia swept through town and I got very sick (though not as much as the last time I had it- which was only a few months ago). I took antibiotics for a week or so, and was feeling better for a few days. My Son and I took a trip to the mainland to see Grandma and Auntie, and upon returning, he was sick again within hours. It took about a week for me to really start getting sick. About the same time the whole house erupted in illness again. Something different. But because I have an autoimmune disease, it’s once again hitting me hardest. My Son is pretty miserable, though. Apparently it’s just a cold. So other than getting lots of sleep and fluids, there’s virtually nothing any of us can do. He seems to take it in stride most of the time, but he certainly has days and moments lately.
I went for a bit of a walk earlier. Took my Husband down for a coffee and to work, and I went for a stroll along the water. It helps clear my head, and I woke up feeling really unwell. I’m scared there’s bad news in my future. For the last 5-6 months or so, it seems I’m getting sick all the time. Small things have turned into fairly huge health problems. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times, and I’ve had pneumonia twice. My doctor thinks my autoimmune response is down. I’m catching everything I come across. I have autoimmune type 1 diabetes, so I am at risk for things like this, but it’s worse than ever. I end up fighting back sugar problems, and develop tachycardia often. I don’t know if I want the answer. I want to be optimistic, but I do worry that it’s something new. Something worse. I suppose that has also effected my frame of mind in these last months, and how I’ve felt about a lot of things. It’s hard feeling as constantly physically ill as I do, as tired, and then feel unsupported in the things you do. But there really isn’t lack of support, it is there. It is a lack of expression that has haunted my life. I emote, and I do liberally. Other people, they hold it in. We’re all islands. I don’t want to be an island.
*sigh* My miserable monkey child is awake from his nap. Back to it. Until next time.