Here Inside My Quiet Heart, You Cannot Hear My Cries For Help…
…Even When I’m Walking On A Wire, Even When I Set Myself On Fire, I Feel Invisible.
Tell me this is all a phase and it will pass. Tell me that I’m not about to do this all again. Tell me I matter. Tell me I’m beautiful. Tell me that you love it when I try. Don’t you see how I fought for this?
When nothing you do matters, when how you feel is the subject of mockery and laughter, when what you dream is a juvenile thing, you find new things to live for. And when those things become completely invisible and seen as something without weight or consequence, what do you live for? Why do you live? If nothing you do or have or can try for will ever have meaning, ever matter, why live at all? Why wake up? Why get up? Why try when all you are is fading fast and you have nothing left inside to fight for? Is this what I’m supposed to do? Waste my moments, minutes, hours, days and years fading away and losing? I won’t resign myself to the illusion that I even exist. That I even rank.
I know I’ve sped the cycle and it’s been going on too long, but I feel like I made my declarations and all my appeals. I feel like I’ve screamed from rooftops and endured sleepless, tear-filled, hysterical nights, being thrown away over and over again, just begging to be trash. I thought somehow I’d be fished out and seen as more than just disposable, as more than just some robotic machine. I thought one day I’d be understood, and seen.
I made a mistake. And I think it’s time I lay down and accept that I will never compare. And there is always a lie. And there is always something you won’t say. I should accept that at this point I can’t catch it, can’t control it and can’t will it away. Whatever is locked inside there– it isn’t me.
And it never was.
I’m not even a human being.