Desires (From the Wife)

This getting pregnant thing is a daily conversation. I’m hormonal and moody and I’m not even pregnant yet. I’ve read this is common- I mean, it is true, I’ve always wanted to have kids. I don’t remember a time in my life when I was unsure of that. When I was a little girl I played with baby dolls and doted on them. When I was a teenager I had dreams about giving birth, and experiencing the only moment of true belief that everything would be alright. Since the beginning of adulthood, my eldest sister has been having children, and that desire to become a parent someday just magnified. I held my baby niece in my arms and it was like *BAM* “This is what I want to do.” Some people think that settling down and having a family is a purposeless future. I know I would have argued this with my Grandfather while he was still alive. My Grandfather was very ambitious, and very intelligent. He felt that if the determination was present, then you could do anything.

But this is the thing: I have type 1 diabetes. Nothing I ever want to do is easy. Nothing difficult I ever want to do is as easy for me as it is for other people- so when I want to do something difficult, it is extremely difficult. I could travel the world and see things and take those experiences with me when I leave this life. But that was what he wanted, and my God I am so glad he got to have what he wanted of his life. For me, finding the money to travel would be a chore. It would be perfectly achievable, but is it what I want? I think I could be solaced by a life like that if I had to have a second choice.

I am heartbroken that I could not see my Grandfather hold at least one of my children. My Grandfather was like a Dad to me. As much as it hurts my Mother for me to talk about him that way, he rescued me when she disappeared. Though I understand why she did, I was also just a child. I shouldn’t have had to understand. He pulled me out of a mess of adult crap I didn’t understand and gave me a future. I keep imagining his eyes the last time I saw him.

I’m never going to be much in this world. I’m not going to be a powerful businesswoman, or a famous musician, or an actress. I’m not going to be particularly wealthy, and you know, I’m okay with that. My Mom has cried many times that she was never mentally prepared to be average and that when she turned out to be average, it was a devastating reality that she couldn’t come to terms with. Even now, leaving her forties, my Mom says she feels like being a nobody was a fatal disappointment to our family. Sadly what I think the truth is that being a nobody was a fatal disappointment to herself, and she couldn’t let anyone accept her as she is.

I don’t think less of myself for just wanting to be a Mother. I have dreams about sitting down, looking out the window, just rubbing my big baby belly. I remember afternoons walking around the supermarket with my newborn nephew in his snuggly while he napped (he couldn’t sleep if he was still). People would tell me how adorable he was and for a little while I got to pretend he was mine, kissing his soft head and breathing in his sweet pink baby smell.

If I were to discover what I fear, that my husband does not want another child, I would be devastated. It would leave an aching hole in my heart that would be unfillable by any other means. I say I fear that, because since we made the decision to get pregnant, since we began to discuss children, he has been standoffish. Understandably, he was nervous when I first brought it up. I mean, I warned him before we were married that having children was not optional- I was not going to marry someone who didn’t want the life I wanted, no matter how much we loved each other. I didn’t think that a year (or nearly) into our marriage, starting our family was going to be a point of tension. After several months, and a great deal of thought, I even agreed that one child was enough.

Anyhow, for awhile, I brought up the subject slowly, at random, and in very short conversation. My husband would just smile and abruptly change the subject. Admittedly, his ignorance of my hints hurt a little, but I tried to slowly increase our conversation about it. Now that I am headed for 26, I see a pattern in our timing of things. We’re always somehow late doing things we planned in advance- we even got married 12 months later than we originally planned. I cannot have kids after 30, and the closer to 30 I get the more dangerous for my health it becomes. I had the extreme fortune of finding out that the kidney damage I experienced when I was 19 somehow managed to heal despite my condition. I saw this as a sign that it would be stupid not to thank God for the opportunity to have a baby. The kidney damage would have made childbearing extremely dangerous, and likely improbable.

I finally got tired of the “eventually” and “someday” responses I was getting from my husband and laid down the law. I want to have a baby and I don’t want to wait until it’s too late to try. I may be able to have kids now, but my health is always an issue. I’m healthy (or reasonably) now, and I don’t want to wait until I’m infertile to decide I can’t wait anymore to have a baby. We agreed that in roughly 5 months, we are going to try to have a child. I hoped that finally, finally, my husband would express the same excitement I have, especially since during our few lengthy conversations, he has told me he wants to have a baby, and is excited. I can’t help but feel like he isn’t being honest. He dodges the subject as much as he can, changing the topic as quickly as possible when I discuss it. It seems to stress him out. I mean, hell, he even blogs on occasion (not often at all though) and what does he blog about right after we decide we’re having our first child? He blogs about his desires; his desires to get his bike insurance renewed for the summer, and some Tron-inspired riding gear. I just don’t feel it from him at all. I am getting absolutely zero reciprocation and I am afraid. I have so much fear that he’ll go along with what I want and I’ll be pregnant when he decides to go back on his word. And I don’t want to spend the next 19 years raising a baby alone that he doesn’t want. I don’t want to be just like my step-daughter’s mother, fighting him in court for help supporting our child. In that way, I understand where she’s coming from.

I want this baby assuming he’ll be my husband, there to help me raise our child. If I wanted to have a child alone, I’d have just gone to a sperm bank. I don’t think he realizes that I am scared too. After all, I’m the one who has to have it growing inside me, the one who has to help him learn how to be a full-time parent. I came from a big family and I’ve looked after babies as an adult, so I have experience in that way- I’m really maternal already. I’m not nervous about being a good parent. I am nervous about carrying the baby, and how it will effect my life, my job, my health. I’m nervous about having to look after a baby, and now a basketcase of a husband. It’s a lot of pressure, and I wish he could just bench his anxiety for awhile and be excited with me- get mushy looking at preggo clothes and pick out a baby bed with me, come home with baby booties instead of flowers, surprise me maybe and take me out to buy a onesie. I wish I felt more encouraged and supported by his reaction, but instead most of the time I just feel sad. I feel alone in this decision.

He says he is smiling all the time imagining me pregnant. I feel guilty and stupid that I don’t see it. Right now I can’t tell anyone else about my decision, because too many people are against it. I don’t want my work finding out because it might cost me a promotion that I’m counting on, and have been working so hard for. Especially when there is no guarantee in how long it could take to concieve. It could take more than a year to get pregnant, and then carrying a baby to term is going to be tenuous. I can’t tell my Mom because she is solidly against me risking my health for a baby. She has no faith in my health whatsoever. Unfortunately, behind her there is a small army of mindless automitons who listen to her words and parrot them like they have a clue. I won’t be able to deal with the stress of her condemning my decision, so I would rather just not tell her until it has happened.

I want to get ready. Just like my wedding, I want this time to be exciting, something to look forward to, a steady climb, an emotional high. Instead I’m in the pitts wishing that someone could manage to give as much of a shit about anything I ever want to do with my life as I do. With my luck, I’ll end up getting pregnant, divorced four months in, living with my mother, and giving birth alone while my brother-in-law huffs from the gas mask beside my hospital bed. FML.

K.N.

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/14/2011.

2 Responses to “Desires (From the Wife)”

  1. Hey girl. I know I said I wouldn’t post any more about this, but I’m never good at not be spontaneous- LMAO. I never had what you’re asking for when I was pregnant, and you know what? We ALL survived and stayed about it. Perhaps the most unnoticed emotion your hubby has is fears of:

    1) You told him (and others) a baby would kill you – I am hella sure he isn’t keen on this at all no matter how much reassurance he’s gonna get.

    2) The last person he had a child with (wanting or not) is well…. U know ur there.

    3) (and prolly the worst one) Your excitement combined with his would be explosive (for good good reason), and then, it doesn’t happen. For any reason: u, him, cosmos, w/e right. And this one I can relate to 1000%.

    PLEASE do not place me in the “hope u f@n fail” category for that is the farthest reasoning for my post. I suppose in some small dark way I am unhappy about your post, but in a more brighter way letting u know someone u may not know has been there and knows and does not wish u devastation as u seem to have ppl in abundance for. Well at any rate now that I’ve thorned ur side again I shall close.

  2. I understand where you’re coming from, and I understand that emotionally I’m asking for what a lot of people don’t get. I think that a lot of me is nervous about the idea of children in my situation, as much as I want to have one, I need to know we’re on the same page. This is a life-altering, enormous decision with a lifetime consequence. This isn’t something I can just back out of later when he decides that it’s putting the baby up for adoption or a divorce.
    Having a baby won’t kill me. I haven’t been told that. I’ve been told that it can be physically hard, and that the pregnancy will be difficult.
    I’ve talked to him about it recently though and he is more just nervous about finances, and more than anything, feeling the conflicting pressure between having to work (and he has two full-time jobs now, he works like 60-80 hours a week) and wanting to be home to help me during the pregnancy, and especially when the baby is here- he wants to see our child grow up, not be stuck at work 16 hours a day. I guess I just have to assure him first, lift his spirits, get him out of his pessimism and work out a parenting plan so that he can be more optimistic and be excited with me.

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