Someone Who Has Raised the Bar
I’ve written about my past. I’ve been brutally honest, to say the least. Things in my past have been dramatic; life changing; enormous. And you know, despite the years that have passed, I have carried it with me to a large extent. I wish that I had ever managed to sever my feelings about my ex, that life, my past, everything that happened. But when it did happen, I was blindsided. I was completely unprepared. I was in love, deeply. It is a hard thing to admit further into the future when you’re ready to make a life with someone new- that you have loved someone that much before. Regardless of our differences, I did love my ex beyond his slim comprehension. I never seriously imagined my life without him in it. I had flights of momentary fancy when I was upset or frustrated, but that’s pretty normal.
When it was over, I prayed it wasn’t really over- that even if our separation was long and well-established, eventually we’d find our way back to each other. I was so convinced, at the time, that our timing was just flawed. I wasn’t just broken-hearted. I was gutted. I felt like he’d reached inside my chest and ripped out my still-beating heart. I don’t think I’ve known a level of misery that intense since, and I definitely hadn’t known it before. I was left mentally unstable by it. Remembering the pain I was in is agonizing. This is a week I have been waiting for since October 2007.
Part of me was sure the universe was going to have the two of them married to one another- a whirlwind relationship that ended in everything he swore he didn’t want. Funny, because in the years since, despite how young I was, I learned from other people that my desires and my frustrations were entirely founded. I mean, honestly, after almost 6 years with anyone at any age, how doesn’t marriage come up? I mean, to even talk about whether that’s what you want? He was made unhappy by some unmet petty conditions he had of me. Anyhow, I digress. The point is that I was so sure that the cosmos was going to ensure my eternal misery by allowing them to end up together. Well, this week, they parted ways. I’m not entirely sure what the reason for it was, but whatever the reason, I am grateful. I am mostly saddened by that though she is unhappy, she still has no idea what I had to go through when she stole my life. It makes me puke up in my mouth a little to see her pathetic self-pitying facebook posts about how hard her life is. She has no fucking clue. She never had to be me. At least he didn’t dump her off after 6 years, cheat on her with a minor, put her in the hospital and boot her out while she was busy possibly dying alone.
So I am revelling in my karmaic justice. Universe: You are awesome. Ms Nova: 1, Man-stealing Whore: 0. Don’t misunderstand me, I am angry for what I have had to endure. But I am glad (beyond glad) that I lived beyond it, and well.
In other news, my husband (who I love so very much!!) and I have decided that we are going to get pregnant in the next few months. I want to get prepared, which means correcting my ways. I have just a bit over a year to nest appropriately before the baby comes (or at least, when we hope it will arrive) but I need to make this a baby-friendly house. I am enlisting friends to help me- anyone who has decent baby things they want to get rid of, maternity clothes they don’t need… CALL ME. We’re going to be spending a bit on a convertible baby bed- one that is good from newborn to a few years old. I will enjoy trolling Walmart, Thyme and Babies R Us.
Husband wants a boy. I’d be happy either way. We’re talking names. So, if all goes well, 5 months to baby time! I am excited!