Look At the Stars, Look How They Shine For You

I’m supposed to be in bed right now. I am supposed to have been in bed a few hours ago. Honestly. I can’t sleep and I’m not even downing inappropriate amounts of caffeine. It’s stupid. I couldn’t sleep when I was drinking caffeine and I still can’t now. Still need confirmation of my insomnia or is this enough? Coffee is always the logical culprit that people lean to when they need something to blame my sleeplessness on. Ladies and Gentleman, for only the thirty-billionth time: caffeine does nothing for me but cure my headaches and ease my nausea. It does not effect my sleep in any way. I could be drinking coffee from a straw while laying in bed trying to sleep and still get the same sleep I always do. So stop- you know nothing.

I have sleep anxiety. It’s always something. It’s the time I have to be up by (and so the associated waking up every hour to check the clock, and make sure my alarm is, indeed, set). It’s being unsure of my work schedule, and therefore the time I need to wake by (and thus, the associated waking up every hour to double check my schedule, which is occasionally backed up by calling work just to “make sure”).  There is the added pressure of wanting to be up early enough to do something constructive before having to leave for work- and the sad thing is that the sleeplessness almost always ends up devouring this time- not in part… in its ENTIRETY.  So then this time must be made up for at the end of a work day, not at the beginning. And thus the cycle continues; up all night, asleep all day. This is a new breed of vampirism. Honestly, sometimes when I think of the stereotype cliche of my situation, I am amazed I’m not a hardcore coffee-drinking smoker who nurses a glass of scotch all the time. Well, I am none of those things- though I feel I am willing to be a hardcore DECAF coffee drinker. For me, it is the bitter taste that does the job more than anything.

I want… I ache, in fact, to be tired enough to lay in bed beside my husband and just feel the wholeness of being in his arms. I cheat him out of our connection when I do not sleep. I feel that my sleazy crawl into bed at some ungodly hour of morning is a betrayal- that somehow I haven’t been there when he needed me. Is that stupid? To feel like by not having  just been in bed, asleep, not particularly even being acknowledged, is somehow a robbery of his rights?

There is more to come. I am feeling quite under the pressure of everyone else’s expectations. But I do require a lot of independent time to recharge, mentally, and in a house with so many people in it, I get very little. Maybe that is where this all comes from- my need for alone time in a house crammed with people who try and share the same space at the same time all the time, whilst also trying to be alone. :/

I also secretly wish that I had the insightfulness into human interaction that Carrie Bradshaw has. MM. More to come. I shall now fullfill my marital contract and go to bed before I stay awake longer just to punish myself.

K.N.

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 02/20/2011.

One Response to “Look At the Stars, Look How They Shine For You”

  1. I know the feeling, I haven’t had caffeine in any significant amount for something like 2 years, yet I’m up all hours of the night caffeine is not always the culprit. Some nights my mind just doesn’t want to shut up, well most nights actually, other nights I just have this need to get stuff done, at 2am or some other ungodly hour of the night. I don’t know how the time slips away from me, I really don’t, I’ll tell myself at 12:30 that I’m going to bed at 1, and the next time I look at the clock it’s 4am and I just didn’t notice HOURS passing.

    Tim’s at work at night, which may be a contributing factor to my insomnia, well I know it is. But even when he’s home he has to drag me into bed at night, where I lay there awake for hours. I’ll never be a morning person, but I’d like to be a “sees the sun” person at some point. That or we could be vampires together?

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