Today A Little Selfish, A Little Pessimistic
Why do I go back and forth like this? Why do I have ups and downs the way I do- days when I feel like I make all of the rules, defy all convention, create my universe and all possibility, and others when I feel sad, defeated and hateful? Why do people always go back on their word? Why do they offer me so much and then do so little? Someone told me once that is more the things you do than the things you say. That person was all talk.
Today… today I feel like I need to drown my sorrows and sleep the next forty years away. Today everything sucks. Today I want to curl up into a ball and cry. Today I wish I could go back in time and change some things, or warn myself. Sometimes I wish I’d been selfish when it mattered, and more selfless when it would have made any difference. I’m never going to have a baby, and I know it. I know it down to the ends of my toes. I know it more certainly than I am certain of my next breath. Maybe that’s why I’m so sad in the core of my being all the time. Maybe that is why I am so resentful and angry. Maybe it’s because I know that I won’t- that I can’t, and that each day I don’t try is a day closer to the day I’m told that my body simply isn’t capable of it.
Why? Why can’t I just not want to have kids like my sisters always said? Why do they have to be perfectly healthy and not want babies, and why do I have to want them so much when my body won’t cooperate? Why is this one more thing in my life I can’t have or do? It doesn’t really matter anyway. My husband is so terrified of the idea of my having a baby that the fear of divorce is the only thing that drives his agreement to try someday. I’m 25. Someday is gone already. Someday will be the day he has to choose it or me. His child or his wife. And it will come to that. I know it deep inside, like a belief in God.
I was not meant to live this long.
While I should be kissing the ground and thanking God for every minute… I spent so much time grieving the loss of what I must live without.