My Mind’s Such A Sweet Thing, What A Beautiful Feeling

I’ve officially boycotted. The revenge has started. Why does it always come to this? I’ve been here before. This is my last appeal.

My husband has a problem with pornography. He has a problem with sex. He has a problem with women. For the longest time I thought that these things were previous phases he’d gone through, but it’s like a held down urge- just because it’s not entirely controlling him, doesn’t mean he isn’t struggling to hold it down all the time. These things about him scare me. I think that if he didn’t care about me so much, he could have happily lived life as a polyamorist- or a bigamist (wherever legal). He has a rubber neck that is turned very easily by anything that remotely looks attractive- be it breasts or bums. He has no self-control button whatsoever. We fight about it- I’m just glad that it’s pretty much the only thing we do fight about.

However, no matter how many appeals I make, he doesn’t care. He disagrees with my point of view (or discounts it until he can tell himself I’m wrong and it doesn’t matter) but agrees with me to my face, he lies to my face and makes porn a regular hunger to feed, knowing it hurts me. He has set and idealized standard that I cannot meet, and to make it worse, it isn’t even one that was started by an idealized person. He has pursued sex partners based on this attraction of qualities. Nothing he does is purposeless. Everything with him is cause and effect.

So I’m looking at porn. I’m finding ideals he can’t aspire to, or meet. I’m openly flirting, making myself more attractive to other men even if it doesn’t make me more attractive to him. I’ve almost all but stopped initiating sex. We’re on completely opposite sleep schedules. This is all-out war.

I’ve spent a year, pleading, crying, screaming, shouting, fighting and hating myself because of his ‘problem’. The last time I caught him looking at porn, it was the first time since our wedding. And he still tried to lie to me about it. This isn’t going to stop. It’s never going to stop. So I have a new outlook on this whole thing- because I can’t change my feelings about it- I have tried. So here it is; every time he does it, I’m going to do it. And I’m not going to lie about it. I’m not going to spare his feelings, or hide like I’m ashamed. If he is going to hurt me, and lie, I’m going to say I know it out in the open by taking my shots where he can see them.

Hopefully he’ll find he doesn’t like being the recipient of this treatment- or I fear that we’re doomed. I won’t spend the rest of my life letting someone make me miserable and setting a standard that always, always, always makes me hate myself.

Men accuse women of gameplaying, but you know… I’m learning that they don’t leave us any fucking choice. They don’t care who they hurt as long as they get their way. That’s why they’re such bitches about losing.

K.M.

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 07/19/2010.

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