The Ghost At My Door
3 months shy of 3 years. That’s how long it has been. I’m not sure if the decision I just made was a good one or a bad one. I may have just inadvertently invited my past back into my future. How prepared I am for the consequences, I’m unsure. People have tried to convince me to stay away from the idea of writing to either my skeezy ex or the girl he cheated on me with. But I keep getting drawn there, to the feeling that the door to that story is still ajar, and that something needs to happen to close it. I think maybe it’s because my ex and I still float in the same vague circles as one another, and yet we’ve managed to go this long without running into each other, either online or in person. I don’t want to be 6 months pregnant, on vacation with my husband, and end up unexpectedly running into someone who can upset me so much and have it jeopardize my pregnancy and my health. I think that’s my fear- that left unaddressed, my feelings about them are still a threat to me. So I wrote to her (my ex’s mistress, now his long-term girlfriend). It wasn’t a letter where I call her names and recount every awful moment of that awful experience. Instead I told her about my life since then- things I’ve done and learned- how despite the shitty way it all happened, it happened for a reason- that she and what she did, did not kill me. Something tells me that either it was the right thing, for me (not necessarily for others), or truly stupid. But you know- I have the option to ignore whatever comes next. All a nasty response will tell me is that I got out in time to save myself.
In other news, my new Husband and I are talking babies. We agreed to get pregnant in 2011. I think to myself that is potentially less than a year away. It’s dependent on whether or not his application to the military goes through. The first trimester of pregnancy can be odd for a diabetic- a ton of doctor’s appointments and medical exams, in addition to potential hypoglycemia. Sometimes I’m not sure if my excitement to have a baby with him scares him, or whether it’s fluctuating moods. I’m not in a hurry, I just like to have something to look forward to. Besides, even if we don’t get pregnant now, it’s good to look around, save our money and get things at deal prices as we see them, now. I think my only fear in actually spending the money is finding out that I can’t have babies. My Husband is worried about how pregnancy will be for me. But I need to stay motivated- positive. My body is a temple- a baby making temple. He tried to stop me in front of Thyme yesterday (it’s a maternity store) but I was so emotionally confused about his attitude that I pretended not to notice and kept going. Sometimes we talk about babies and he looks terrified, even upset. But other times I catch him rubbing my belly, looking at pregnant women and imagining what I would look like, swollen with child. I’m fully aware that my internal clock is ticking. I’ve been imagining what it would be like to give birth since just before my twenties- of course, back then I was terrified of the idea. Now, even though I know that my experience will be harder than that of others, even though I know that my life will be absolutely controlled, to the minute, to the carb and to the calorie… I want it. I want my husband to make a baby with me. Just one, and then I swear I’ll get fixed. 😛
All I know for sure is that I have a future coming- and I’m so excited about each moment.