A Round Broken In Two ‘Til Your Eyes Shed Into Dust

Yesterday: "There is nothing ordinary or normal about the situation you now face. If you can’t yet see what’s so special about it, keep watching and thinking. Somewhere in your world, an amazing coincidence is occurring. It is as significant as it is almost uncanny. Maybe, you can understand what I mean by all the above but you’re not at all convinced that any of it is good. Stay calm. June’s rare, powerful alignments insist that, whether or not you like what’s going on, it can’t be happening by accident. You may not be the architect of a crucial development but you are undoubtedly about to become the beneficiary of it."
Today: "You don’t have to have a plan. You just have to have an intention. Right now, if you want to protect your sanity you must stop trying to persuade yourself that everything is ‘supposed to be’ a particular way. Things are as they are. Whether that’s good or bad, there’s only a very small amount that you can change through the sheer force of your will. The change you want will come when the cosmos is ready to bring it to you. That doesn’t mean you should forget about what you really want. You should keep your eyes open at all times for chances and seize them when they arise. Until or unless they do, don’t worry about them."
What a week. Not sure what I’m feeling, or if anything I feel anymore is fair. I spend so much time suppressing what I feel out of fear of being selfish that I feel numb most of the time. I’m considering going back on medication again. I can’t handle all of this and worry about my medical stuff at the same time. I’m not managing either one right and trying to juggle them is certainly at fault. There’s taking care of my Mom, and like it or not, the universe seems to think that her plight is greater than mine. I can’t live life edgewise with the shit she needs help with and the slightest of complaints on my end manages to coax threats of homelessness from her. If I don’t do what she asks me to, regardless of the personal cost, she threatens to kick me out with nowhere to go. Everyone has a price, when it comes to me- and it seems that the price is pretty high.
Turning 25 was supposed to be one of those milestone birthdays. A quarter century, another year I managed not to kick the bucket. My birthday was about as far away from being about me as it gets. There was no cake, or candles. My Dad was the only person who managed to get me a gift (by the way: thank you. It was perfect and now I have something to do when I need to get the hell away from everyone for a few hours).  My Mom didn’t wish me a happy birthday until 10:49pm.
I shouldn’t even say this here. It’s almost an invasion of privacy- but I’m bottling everything. I have few people to talk to because their own feelings are so mixed up in it all that they can’t help me. I hate that I feel as resentful as I do. Things with Victoria have been tense since I moved here. We have good times and bad times, as anyone does, but since she got older, she’s made her opinions of me really obvious. She has no problem telling me what I failure I am, and how stupid I was for letting a person make me feel the way Steve did, and letting him ruin my life as far as he did. She had no problem criticising the way I spent the money I made, or how I dressed, or what I ate, the weight I gained. She had a criticism for every decision I made. ANd now that she’s graduated, she parties and then has no money for rent or food. She’s always broke. She has relationship problems with a guy that she is rampantly territorial about, with jealousy issues she can’t control or explain. She’s started gaining weight she never had before and having body issues that are new, and suddenly she expects me to feel sorry for her when she had nothing for me when I needed it.
You don’t have to tell me- she was young and ignorant and had no life experience of her own to base it on back then. But she hasn’t apologized, or made retractions, or told me that she finally understands. I want to get over my resentment and shut up and just be there for her, and I try my best. But underneath it all, I’m hurting because as it has been my whole life with her, she gets to beat everyone else down for their shortcomings but wants to be built up for the same mistakes. Did I do this to my older sister? Was this how she felt? Is this normal?
Victoria did something hugely stupid and dangerous and scary on my 25th birthday (apparently I’m not allowed to say). Something inside her decided that was the day to scare the wits out of everyone with her cry for help. Eric took her to the hospital. While I was getting my marriage license, she was… being selfish. I’m afraid to feel happy about anything I get or do anymore that is good, which is little, because someone else thinks that if I get even a moment of spotlight there is something wrong with the world. I’m tired of minimizing all of the good things that happen to me so that I don’t make other people feel bad. I’m tired of downplaying the few things I have that make me happy so that other people don’t have the urge to compare their lives to mine (as if there’s much to compare). Don’t get me wrong. I love my sister. I love her more than words could ever hope to describe. Losing her is… not an option. And ultimately, it doesn’t really matter that I had to sacrifice something to keep her. But this always happens to me. Always. Anytime anything important seems to happen in my life there is someone in my family ready to jump in front of my parade and turn it into their own.
When I was younger, while I was driving home, I used to imagine that I stayed on the highway and kept going- that I just left with nothing but my wallet and the clothes on my back without a word. I used to imagine going somewhere new and beautiful and warm, all alone, and starting over. I used to dream about running away. Truth is, I still do.
I don’t feel like I can talk to anybody. Any time I try, they make judgements and dispense advice, which usually amounts to "Your problems don’t matter and mean nothing." I’ve entertained some pretty dark thoughts of my own in the last few months, but not on my sister’s birthday.
Funny, when we got home Mom told me how generous I was to suck it up and sacrifice my day without a word of complaint. The next morning she yelled at me and called me selfish for not boiling her some eggs. Incidentally, I was busy packing her bags, and preparing to bring her to John’s parents place for the weekend, where she would be to free meals and no expense of travel. I’m fucking sick of everything and everyone. I’m talking to doctors about pacemakers and heart surgery, and possibly wearing my wedding dress at my own funeral if I don’t avoid stress at all costs, and at home I get a "it’s not a big deal- suck it up". I’m crying all the time- about everything. When Mom tries to be nice to me, in my head I’m just thinking that I need her to leave me alone. Even yesterday, when we were doing a sort-of do-over of my birthday, with dinner and cake, we were busy talking about her broken leg most of the day. John’s Mom was trying to run defense for me by politely hinting at Mom that she could do for herself, and to mind her own business. I brought two bottles of Vodka with me. I’m seriously thinking it’s time for a one-man party.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/30/2010.

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