The Kindle Is Burning, For You, I’ll Be Waiting
Today: "We can do for others, things we might never be able to do for ourselves. When we act out of genuine generosity, we develop a saintly quality. We discover the great strength that can only ever stem from deep humility. We develop the real precious perspective that only compassion can ever inspire. Mercury, as it now begins moving forward through the zodiac once more, has a message for you. You have no choice other than to remain dedicated to a noble cause. This, though, can now be a joy, not a chore."
Tomorrow: "There is always someone worse off than you are. There may also, always, be someone who is better off. But you can’t be so sure of that. People often give a false impression. They look as if they are happy, comfortable or stable – yet on closer inspection, we discover the many enviable problems that they face. You may yet discover that someone you think of as better off than you is actually at a greater disadvantage. Be generous with your sympathy today. You are in a position to provide help and support that is remembered, forever."
I suppose there are things that people want to know. People seem to be idly concerned about me- which I’m grateful for. I’m not prepared for people to panic about my health all the time, although I think I’m a bit panicked, and I’m trying not to be. I think I need people to respect it when I tell them I feel like I have reached my physical limit of something. I am trying to find a better way of managing my stress, and simply choosing to not stress about stupid shit. I have a tendency to let little things add to my stress when I’m already stressed about something else. This isn’t good for me, and apparently it’s hazardous to my health.
In October, I can’t remember, but I may have made mention of getting very sick after having my H1N1 injection. I came down with severe flu symptoms, fever and tachycardia. It lasted for several days, during which I could not stand at all, and spent most of the time unconscious. I almost chose to voluntarily admit myself to the hospital. I experienced a few similar instances of funny blood pressure paired with a funny heart rate. Usually some electrolytes fixed the problem, and I was usually fighting off sickness of some kind. Anyhow, for the last several weeks, I’ve been playing home nurse and maid to my Mom, who can barely pee without help. She goes back to work, thank Goodness. The rub is that I have to get up with her every day at 6 to help her bathe, dress, make a lunch and get out the door.Now she’s talking about having John drive her to work every day for the next 6 months. Um…?
This whole thing has been stressful for me, Andrea and John. Mom is pretty needy, and we’re trying to be as patient and helpful as we can. But a great deal of the time it requires being housebound, without the right to go out and do things on our own. Mom actually got mad at me last weekend for wanting to go out on a movie date with John because the kitchen was messy. I couldn’t help but feel resentful because I just made everyone dinner and didn’t even get to eat. Mom is really intolerant of the slightest messiness, which is a pain because most of the time, it’s her stuff. One entire corner of the house is a laundry pile. I took it upon myself to clean her room because she had nowhere to sleep. She still sleeps on the couch most nights.
Long story short, after trying to tell everyone that I was not coping well with the arrangement and starting to feel sick, my warnings fell on deaf ears. After several days without sleep, I collapsed in a gas station and passed out. I ended up in the hospital for the day, myself. I had severe dehydration, a potassium deficiency, and resting tachycardia. My blood pressure would drop to 80 over 50 any time I sat up or tried to stand. I’ve had to stop taking my kidney medication, because it drops blood pressure. The tachycardia is still here and has remained pretty constant.
So yesterday, I had an ECG and took home a Hotler monitor for a 24 hour Hotler Cardiogram. It was lame. I picked it up from EDP at the hospital, and all of the people in the waiting room were old people with walkers. They were kind-of looking at me like "What the hell is that kid doing in here?!" I had sticky patches all over, covered in wires. I had to wear it around my waist or neck, and write down everything I did. (i.e. 2:00pm – Walk – Shortness of breath. 5:00pm – Shopping. 5:15pm – Bathroom. 7pm – Dinner – No appetite. 8pm – Nap. 9pm – Computer…. etc.) It was truly stupid. I had to hit a button any time I got dizzy, which was surprisingly little.
I still have resting tachycardia. I stopped taking my Beta Blockers, as I said. I have to take them for my kidneys, but they’re hurting my system, too. I’ll be able to treat myself properly as soon as I know what’s causing the problem. I will have to take them for a few days and see if they make things worse before I can decide to stop taking them permanently without talking to my doctor. Today my blood pressure was up, but my heartrate was still going twice as fast as John’s. Pretty scary. Odd, but I was more symptomatic today than I was yesterday. Chest pain today, actually. Fortunately it went away, but at the time I was a bit concerned. I’m a pretty active person, and this problem is making short walks to the store a chore.
Until next time