Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater
Hello ladies and gents. I’m here today to talk about the age old topic of infidelity and pornography. I’m not a conservative, okay? I own porn- I’m not against it, and I think that it can bring some creative spice into a relationship. I even appreciate voyeurism. And first and foremost- I am a big believer in porn use when you’re single. I suppose it really depends on what you choose to look at.
Never before in all my life have I ever felt so self-conscious about my body- and I’m in the best shape I could realistically hope for. I’ve always been body-conscious. I was raised by a single father, who wasn’t very encouraging about my body. He used to point at my growing breasts and laugh at how small they were. He’d point at my thighs and call me things like “thunder thighs” and “fat ass”. Whether he was joking or not, whether he realized how demeaning that was to my self-image, it left me feeling inadequate. I was a face even a Father couldn’t love. My Father has never called me beautiful, or even pretty. And that really hurt me. I needed the encouragement to believe that I was beautiful- even if it was just a loving lie.
So maybe I have Daddy issues. Who knows? I am a person who trusts very little- if at all. When I discover lies, I am so unsurprised by it that it feels like I expected it. I’ve grown up buried in lies- old mud slung between parents and family members that is largely hearsay and opinion. I thrive on fact, and fact alone. I try to quantify or rationalize knowing that not everything can be. It’s a limiting, clinical view of the world that I cling to with a death grip. I know that my feelings about porn in relationships are based heavily on my personal experiences, and even about my body image. But you know, they’re also based on fact- as I told you, fact to me is gospel.
I struggled with the dilemma of my fiancee’s porn use for a year. There were times that the tension over it was so thick that I’m not unsure it could have ended our relationship had I not fought so hard to just cope with how it made me feel, knowing it was probably still happening. I struggled with feeling alone- most of the women I know don’t understand my feelings. But then I began reaching out, researching, trying to find out whether it was normal, or even within earshot of reasonable to feel how I feel. It turns out that most women, by some miracle, feel the way I do, and that the ones that don’t used to, and have merely lost the will to oppose it, because their spouses wouldn’t stop.
We women are berated daily by images of perfect, underweight, cosmetic surgery enhanced, airbrushed women who have the time, money and resources to invest in how they look. They have personal trainers, dietitians and personal chefs. They have surgeons and dermatologists, they have access to both expensive and prescriptive treatments that enhance their looks, they have stylists and personal shoppers. In the end, where all of that fails them, they have graphic design artists who remove every remaining flaw- bad lighting, moles, unevenness of the skin– anything you could imagine. I both appreciate and hate it when models and actresses appear in magazines wearing very little, insisting that they aren’t wearing makeup and haven’t been airbrushed. At the end of the day, the effect that all had is very little. I didn’t even mention the fact that in order to be paid to look good for a living, they had to look pretty damn good in the first place.
So what about us average women? What do we do? How do we look good without all of that? We buy expensive cosmetics and clothes, we do our nails and get our hair done, and then we are accused of being vain, high-maintenance consumerists. Well, honey, if you’re going to replace me with a naked, perfect, younger Victoria’s Secret model and bitch at me for not trying to take care of myself, and then treat me like crap for taking care of myself, I’m going to become a lesbian and tell you to lay off the junk food too. Why aren’t we women allowed to pressure our male spouses to look as good as those male Guess models? We don’t get to lean on the “gay” excuse, because men as a gender tend to idolize lesbians. We can’t possibly compete!
So, my fiancee prefers very, very, VERY busty women. I am not busty. I am not within a mile of busty. And yes, when he fills the void I obviously leave for him in that department, it hurts me and makes me feel like our relationship comes down to my cup size. I don’t objectify men and use images of more attractive men to fulfill that preference. Why? Because it’s just a preference, not a hole. I like it, I don’t need it. I am extremely attracted to him, and I am not shallow enough to see my preference as a need.
Despite all of this, I’ve scoured the internet for women who feel the way I do.
“I do everything for him- literally cater to him. I work, pay the bills, maintain the house so that it is always perfectly clean. I am the perfect Wife and Mom. Why does he search porn sights if he says I’m so hot? He has done this from the BEGINNING of our relationship and has always hidden it lied about it. I’ve told him that it makes me feel old, fat, ugly, inadequate, and that I’ve developed body dysmorphic disorder, when I’ve NEVER been self-conscious before. I can’t cope with being naked, and it crushes my desire for sex, but he says it’s my problem and he doesn’t control how I choose to feel, that I control my own feelings. He will tell me not to let it get to me, to let it go and let him do what he wants and tells me to shut up about it.”
“My husband and I are the same age . He likes to look at porn. I’m not a moron, and I know that he still does it because he deletes the [internet] history and browser cache. But he also can’t delete every trace. I’ve told him that it bothers me because it makes me feel sad and like I am not enough. I’ve asked him to stop and to just tell me what it is that he thinks he needs from porn that I can’t give him. I am open and willing to do whatever he wants from me. But his excuse is that he does it because he knows it hurts me.”
“I recently discovered [through emails] that my husband has been looking at porn from the very beginning of our 3 year marriage. He still does it now, every day, and it drives me crazy. Why does he still do it when I’ve begged him not to at least 10 times? We have what I consider to be a great, regular sex life. I give him what he asks for in bed, and am open to bringing new things to our sex life, like toys and lingerie- but he doesn’t want any of it when I offer it to him. So what’s wrong with me?”
“Is it fair of me to ask (demand!!) that my boyfriend stop looking at porn? I dont like it; it makes me feel uncomfortable, ugly and nothing more than a piece of shit. It makes me mad that he would rather look at girls he doesnt know (will never know) rather than to look at me, his girlfriend of 6 years. I understand it is not real but this is how I feel and shouldn’t he care how I feel and take my feelings into consideration, if he really loves me like he says he does?”
That’s the thing. Ultimately, aside from personal feelings, it does come down to a man’s consideration of his spouse’s feelings. Men in relationships have demands that they expect to have met, and they largely are. So how come, when our feelings are so strong and so influential on how we feel and act, they get to tell us to “deal with it”? And if they don’t tell us, how come they get to treat us that way? Why doesn’t he just put up with me going downtown to sit on a bench and drool over male joggers during the summer? How is it any different? It’s just looking, after all. Does it somehow make it different if it’s in person? Aren’t the women in these pictures real people, too? Aren’t you getting a super-intimate, up-close, private viewing of a real person? You might as well have invited a beautiful woman into your bedroom to take off all of her clothes and pose for you. Isn’t it the same thing, as long as you don’t touch her? Would it be the same thing if I went to a man’s house and took off all of my clothes and posed for him as long as he didn’t touch me? Aren’t you inviting a naked woman into your home and your mind to look at naked? I can’t separate myself from the fact that these women are real people- wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, best friends. What if I went to the neighbor and gave him a naked photo of me posing? Would it matter? Haven’t I reduced myself to the level of porn? After all, it’s just a picture. How is this not cheating?
Even bigger, is that our fear of infidelity is deeper fed by the media frenzy around the new support of cheating. Yeah, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Jude Law, Brad Pitt (oh yeah, I went there). All of these men screwed around on their wives, and for the most part, we cheered them on. WHY? Shows are starting to alienate us with stories about cheaters, ads online are advocates of cheating. Thanks Ashley Madison, for ruining families everywhere. So of course we feel threatened when we feel cheated on, and our spouses are trying to justify themselves.
Furthermore, if you feel like you have to hide it in any way shape or form, before or after it becomes an issue- then you have already acknowledged that there’s something wrong with what you’re doing. It’s more than the looking, it’s the lying, the deceiving, and the constant ignoring of our feelings.
I think one of the most important things I found in so many posts online from women, were that until porn came into their relationship, they never experienced body issues, or felt unusually self-conscious (as on some level, all people are). So why do men get to use the excuse that we only feel that way because we hate ourselves? It’s the porn and their need for it that makes us hate ourselves! I mean, honestly! You go online and feed your brain thousands of images of impossibly perfect women with tiny waists, zero body fat, large, round breasts that go on forever, pretty faces… and then when you’re done getting whatever you needed out of it, you come to us to work off your excitement? And what, we’re supposed to be able to respond to you, sexually, knowing it isn’t us you think of or see when you close your eyes?
I can tell you that if I filled my head with images of tall, broad-shouldered, hairless, chisel-chested men with big arms and perfect penises, that I could not shut down my computer at the end of the night and be truly satisfied by less than an ideal. It’s like having an addiction to Vicodin and trying to eat hand fulls of aspirin for the same effect. Not only is it not going to work, it’ll kill you before it even gets close. Same principal.
If your spouse can’t take porn in your relationship, and you continue to pursue it, all I can tell you is that she’s going to learn to hate herself, be uncomfortable with her body (especially when you try to get anywhere near it), and destroy the actual sex you’re actually having. Not to mention that if you try to hide it, all she will do is lose her trust in you and doubt every word you say and every thing you do. So, have fun masturbating. I hope that’ll be enough for you when you’re divorced. Too bad you couldn’t stop thinking about your penis long enough to consider the end game, ass.