The Standard

So, I’ve had a night to revisit the post I originally had here. It isn’t that I don’t feel the way I said I do, because I do. But I am a person prone to panic, and I am extremely sensitive to certain things. This, pertaining particularly to the issue at hand. I know men will be men- and that they are genetically engineered to find women attractive. I’m glad, as I know marriage to the man I want to marry would not be in the cards without it. However, I don’t believe that men can’t reign in their desires and commit to one person. I can. I’ve never been unfaithful. I’ve never wanted to be unfaithful. And as well, I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with the viewpoint that men have uncontrollable sexual appetites and women don’t. Women are just as sexual as men, and have appetites just as big. We just don’t rule our lives by it- at least not most of the time. I tire of hearing philandering celebrities say that they ruined their marriages because they have sex addictions and need rehab. Sorry, but while I believe that sex and porn addiction is a very real problem- not everyone has it, and not everyone with money has it. It’s something celebrities lean on to cheapen the impact of their actions. “It isn’t my fault! I have a PROBLEM.” It’s a load of bullshit that provides pathetic liars with a way to slough off the responsibility.

The problem I’m having is one that feels make or break. I’ve told him that it’s a deal-breaker and I can’t have it in my life. And while there were times it felt like it had disappeared, I am having a distinct lack of faith. Sometimes I think I fooled myself by thinking that it was even gone for a day. And in so thinking, I can’t help but recognize that this must be the result of a shortcoming, either in our partnership, or in myself. I don’t know where I fail to be adequate, or why. All I know is that ol’ familiar feeling that ‘something is up’ is back.

I appreciate privacy. Not everything needs to be said, or shared. But those things aren’t so much that you want to hide them from anyone, it’s that you want something to keep just for you. But there are a lot of things he hides from me, and things that he edits to the point of outright storytelling. The longer I know him, the more I discover, little bits at a time, that the things he’s said to me aren’t true.

Things that are wrong are numerous, and I need to stop lying about how I feel, hoping I can really feel the way I say I do eventually.

Regardless of whether or not other people think I’m unreasonable, I don’t like porn in my relationship. Well, he is a porn aficionado- especially when it comes to large (sometimes freaky large) breasts. He will sneak out of bed to go look at big breasted women perform oral sex. He will slip away from me, if I fall asleep during a movie, to go look at a big breasted woman play with herself. If he has his iTouch, sometimes he will lay in bed beside me, while he thinks I’m sleeping, to look at big breasted girls pose for myspace pictures. Even more upsetting is that despite the fact that being together was an initial source of tension, due to our 12 year age difference, he can comfortably go stare at 17-18 year old girls posing naked and fantasize. Not even married yet, and I’ve been replaced by a fantasy.

I confronted him about this a year ago- that I feel like he prefers them, that I feel compared, supplemented and even replaced. I’ve told him that I feel like if he is really happy with me, then the 10% he doesn’t get from me because I am not big breasted won’t matter. And when I thought we had both decided this was not happening, when he swore it had stopped, I kept finding stashes of his breast porn around the house, on a flashdrive in his wallet, in email. It never stopped. It may have slowed periodically, but even when I tell him to his face that I believe he told me the truth, I only say it because I don’t want to hurt him. People ask me why it’s such a big deal. But I want to ask the same thing. Why is it such a big deal? I don’t know WHY it bothers me, I just know how I feel about it, and that for me, it is a huge deal. But why is it a big deal for him? Would he be comfortable with me being a porn addict? Would he be comfortable with my getting my appetite somewhere else as long as I bring my fantasies about other men to him because he’s the only place I can take it to?

He’s tried. I know he’s at least tried to stop. But it always comes back. Demotivational photos of young girls in skirts they can’t bend over in (pantyless, of course), fondling their enormous chests for the camera. Suddenly one picture popping up on an otherwise innocent website becomes a search solely for naked pictures of large breasted women with idealized, perfect bodies. He thinks I don’t know. I always know. Every single time. He even used that stupid browser feature that people refer to as the “porn tab”. Chrome calls it incognito. IE calls it InPrivate. Too bad he didn’t realize that I was watching him surf porn from the doorway for 10 minutes. The only reason I left the room was to go to the bathroom. I can’t even leave him alone for 5 minutes. It makes me hate myself. It makes me feel like I’m the replacement he uses because he can’t have sex with them.

Don’t get me started on the long-lost friend. That was an all-too-real addition to our relationship. I’ll call her Mindy. At the beginning of our relationship, my fiancee told me about her. I ran across her picture on his iPod, and was curious. He told me she was someone he knew once that something almost happened with but nothing ever came of it. Fast forward less than 6 months, and this woman suddenly came out of the woodwork and started communicating with him. He didn’t tell me. He was glued to his computer, all of a sudden… all the time. Every day. I wasn’t concerned at first- we’re both heavy computer users. Until the suspicious window-minimizing games started. He started looking around to make sure I wasn’t in the room.

It escalated rapidly. Within the first week, they were talking dirty to each other, heavy flirting. He sent her a nearly naked picture of himself that I took, and started emailing and texting her, complimenting the way her breasts looked (in subtle terms, anyway), talking about thinking about her neck. Before I know it, of course, she tells him she’s in love with him. He swears he always maintained nothing like that would ever, EVER happen between them. But I’m not so sure. She started sending him things in the mail- candles and things (she sells them). Despite my discomfort with their renewed friendship, my feelings were entirely disregarded without consideration. They had conversations about how hot she was making him, to the point where he was talking about taking a cold shower.

This went on from the month after he proposed to me, right up to the day we were supposed to get married. On my 24th birthday, I caught him looking at porn. We fought. Hours later, I found naked pictures of Mindy in emails, ones he had renamed, and changed the file types on, and deleted from his computer, trying to hide them from me. That was a year ago. I almost left him, and the stipulation for my staying was that he was never allowed to speak to her again. There’s every indication that he hasn’t– but I am untrusting, and he is smart. I think one of the worst parts is that I knew there was something wrong with their friendship, something rotten and awful going on. And he lied to my face for 6 months. I was destroying myself every day with the stress of the certainty that he was going to either cheat on me, or leave me, or both.

He was in love with her. He was in love with her for 10 years. He was in love with her through more than one long-term relationship. I can’t compete with a decade of pining over another woman who looks better naked than I do. I degraded myself and put up with debasing treatment and lying from my ex, who incidentally, also cheated. There are a lot of similar qualities. Mindy is a hot button issue. And also, I’m insane for still speaking to her. But I think the honest truth about that, is that if I keep tabs on her, I can weigh whether or not she is still in contact with him. You know the old adage: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Well, I do. I can’t look at her or hear from her, or think of her without seeing that picture in my head.

Right now, the way he is… my fiancee is going to cheat. I see the potential for divorce within the first year of our marriage as being at about 80% likely. He cheated once, in his past. And he keeps doing it in little ways, and sometimes big ones, betrays my trust, disregards my feelings, my NEEDS… to prove what? Last night he told me he looks at pictures of other naked women so that he can prove to himself that there’s nobody out there better for him. To me that sounds a lot like he looks at porn because he’s not sure I’m good enough.

What do I do with that? How am I supposed to respond to that? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because I’m pretty sure it was the first time he was ever totally honest with me and it was one of the most hurtful things he’s ever done. Sometimes I’m not sure if anything is even real. Am I transferring old shit onto this relationship, or is history repeating itself? I wish I knew.

What I do know, is that how I feel doesn’t matter.


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/28/2010.

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