Life Is Beautiful, But It’s Complicated

Friday: "All this week I have been talking about the need to stand a little further back, get a broader perspective and refuse to be fazed by a detail that is not as significant as it seems. I understand that you feel annoyed and agitated by circumstances that are not as you want them to be. A situation that seems to be ‘no big deal’ to anyone else is a matter of great concern to you. This weekend, though, you have to decide what really matters in the greater scheme of things and apply your energy in the way that will do the most good."
 
Saturday: "If only you had known, back then, what you know now… perhaps you would never have done what you did. But then, if you had never done it, you would never have gone where you went. And, then, you’d never have found out what you have now discovered. Don’t bother, this week, travelling down the road of ‘What if?’ – it leads nowhere. Head, instead, along the path of ‘What’s next?’ – and be glad of the lesson you have just learned. It is yet going to help you ensure that the next destination you reach is a deeply pleasing and rewarding one. You have every reason to feel confident about where you’re going in life."
 
"Change; We don’t like it.
We fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming.
We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying.
But here’s the truth: The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything.
Life is messy."
-Ellen Pompeo
 
I’m blogging a lot these days. Strange, because when I’m at it, I don’t feel like I have much to say. But then I sit, and words pour out of me, seemingly without thought. I’m sure they don’t amount to much- but that isn’t the point, really. At least I’m saying anything at all, at least I feel I matter enough to say anything. At least I feel. And that’s the point. I arrived at a simple conclusion today, that should have occurred to me before, all my life through until now. I was describing my idea of ‘heaven’ based on religion. It’s a place where there is no sorrow, and no pain, but also no joy, and no love. It is a place that transcends human emotion, a place where one goes to simply exist. But what is existence without joy? What kind of existence is it to not know the difference? To me there is no point to existence without joy- and joy is implicit with love. And oh, I have love. At times it is on fire- blinding heat. At times it is an insatiable force, that is voracious, and tenacious. Other times it is mild, sweet and temperate. But it is a body of its own. I only dare to keep it safe.
 
Life is improving. Now that I am going to the support groups, I have a better frame of mind. I finally know people my own age living with this disease, who also experience the burnout of dealing with it, who feel limited by its restrictions and the financial weight. I have people who are so much better at managing life with it than I am, who admit to having been where I am with it- but also don’t judge, and are understanding and incredibly supportive. I’m currently in the beginning stages of finding an advocate to fight for me to get an insulin pump. I’m a prime candidate. It would be nice to just have $6800 laying around. John is so supportive of me. He comes to all of the appointments and meetings, even to the support groups, so he can meet other diabetics and their spouses. I met Olympic Rower Chris Jarvis, who is super nice, and a hell of a guy. He introduced me to TuDiabetes, which is an online network (like Facebook) for diabetics to connect and share resources and ask questions. He has also invited me to join in on a day hike the next time he’s in town with a small group of diabetics in the area. He’s also encouraging me to do the Canadian Diabetes Association’s Running Room Walk, Bike or Run Marathon in Vancouver. But there’s finding time, finding someone to go with me, and finding the $100 entry fee. I would love to, though. Just got my bike back this week. 🙂 I’m also looking at joining a dragonboat team in the harbour this summer. The hospital is looking for people to join one for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. I wish there was one for the Canadian Diabetes Association, but chances are I will end up on the Shaw team (I know so many people at Shaw).
 
I don’t know if I’ve said, but due to unresolved conflicts, I am currently living with my Mother. It isn’t really between John and I, but it is up to him to solve it. Unfortunately they are issues that aren’t really portaining to me, I simply got caught in the crossfire. I think it’s good, for now, though. I have my own space, and I think I needed it. Life has been unkind lately. I have some fairweather, judgemental friends, ontop of no income and an illness to get under control. We’ve also made the discovery that my weird emotional personality shift in the evenings is entirely blood glucose related. I have panic attacks. I’ve noticed in the last week that I’m having them during the day also, even when I’m enjoying myself. At first I thought they were just cramps, until they started getting so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack. It’s confusing, because things really could be a lot worse. I’m taking a lot one day at a time to get things sorted out. My plate doesn’t feel terribly overloaded. I am having nightmares, though. Old stuff. I’m looking into taking care of that, also. As of today, though, I’m out from under one creditor with only one more to go. And it really is miniscule. I’m glad that I never let the money I owe to people get very high. I hate owing people things. Even after 6 weeks, my overdue bills were totally manageable. It really is just rent and my diabetes supplies that are the issue.
 
But, SET has put me through all of my aptitude tests, now. I’m sitting down with my consultant after the 8 weeks has expired, and looking into going back to school. So far, it looks as though I have a high aptitude for almost anything. Though one lifetime irritation has been explained. I have a learning disability! Not surprising, really. But I have Dyscalculia; which is the inability to perform numeric reasoning. I can do practical math, like adding and subtracting, and I can fare rather well as long as I have a calculator. But even trying to talk about math stresses me out. When people apply a mathematic explanation to anything that comes naturally to me, it upsets me. But I’m aware that is simply because I’ve struggled with numbers my entire life. However, in all other areas of aptitude, I scored off the charts. I have a 164 IQ. I have a higher intellect and aptitude for things than most college and university graduates do. It was also nice to be told that I need to get out of customer service before it kills me. Stef has told me that the kind of work I’ve done since high school is without a doubt a major contributor to my being sick all the time. Stress. I can’t hack it. However, there are a great number of careers I can do without being terribly in contact with people. I am an INFJ. And those careers are usually very high paying. It was so cool to have someone tell me that if I wanted to, I could be a doctor. Very, very cool.
 
In other news, John is applying to join the Army Reserves here in Nanaimo. He’s looking to become a Comm Officer. He would be leaving shortly after our first anniversary, for two months of combat training, in Alberta. The great thing is that if he does this, he can transfer to CFB Comox when we move to the valley. I don’t know if he wants to fully join at any point (I’m fully supporting him- he’s an army brat from a military family, and it means a lot to him), but the purpose of his going reserves was so that he could be in the military and not have to leave all the time. He wants to be here for me, and for Gillian, and our baby. Our baby! I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but we’re planning for one that summer. To conceive one, I mean. Mom is really nervous about me having children- she has voiced her utter displeasure at the idea over and over since my DKA. But my nurse says there is no reason to think I can’t have one, even if I lost a kidney. At that point, I would have to be on the insulin pump whether I liked it or not, which is one of the reasons I’m trying to get onto one. I also would not be allowed to work after the first trimester, and I would likely be on bed rest for most of the third trimester. The risks are mostly in that diabetics tend to have enormous babies, that are upwards of 9lbs at birth. Kidney related complications are not as common anymore. My biggest worry with anything surgical at the moment is the post-surgical adhesion I have under my laparascopic scar. The scar tissue keeps growing onto something inside my abdomen, and when I stand up straight, the tissue tears apart. It is amazingly painful, and apparently very common with laparoscopies. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen often, as it takes a long while for the new adhesion to form.
 
Ahh, and last but not least, I ran into Sarah today! After like, a year! I felt horrible having not spoken to her in a year, but the last time I saw her, she’d lost her job, lost her roommate, and had retreated to depression so badly that her apartment was a dump, she had no food, and she was actively refusing to leave her apartment. She was smoking an intense amount of weed, also. She was in a dark place that I could not save her from. Since then she has started her own company: Healamint (she invented and patented a naturopathic topical cream), moved, started modelling for a friend, is looking for work, and quit smoking altogether. She came over and spent a significant portion of her day with us, watching The Watchmen and 8-Bit Dr Horrible. She was also diagnosed with Hypoglycemia. She was pretty anemic when she got here. We had to feed her, poor thing. I should get her to take some iron.
 
Anyhoo, that’s that for now.
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/10/2010.

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