From Your Lips She Drew The Hallelujah

Good weekend all.

Don’t know why, but the fingers are itchy. Watching The Watchmen with my friend, Sair, and my fiancee. The love scenes are definitely blush-worthy. I’m a big Malin Akerman fan (not because of the sex scenes, hehe), and it’s nice to see (if one has to) a woman in a sex scene who isn’t stacked like Pamela Lee. We women with little boobs need all the support we can get. Though I must admit, they make her boobs look way bigger in her hero costume than they actually are.

My fiancee and I are both fans of female characters that kick ass.

Interesting few days. I joined TuDiabetes, a facebook-like online network for diabetics and people effected by people with diabetes. It has allowed me to have regular contact and feedback with other people who experience the symptoms and treatments that I do, and who also have experienced ‘burnout’. It’s good for me to have the contact, because I’ve never had contact with people who’ve had a day in my shoes, who don’t treat me like a whiner, or a failure. It’s amazing how sensitive and understanding, and compassionate other diabetics are- and encouraging!

Upsetting as it is to admit, because until this point I’ve felt like a person leaning on a crutch, people who don’t have it and haven’t much experience with it think that I’m complaining about something small, inconsequential, and blowing everything out of proportion. It’s really lame. My entire life I’ve been labelled a drama queen because of my mood swings, and moments of self-pity. But none of them have handed over half their paycheque, every cheque, for years, just for the right to wake up every morning. They haven’t had to face a paralyzing needle phobia in order to inject themselves four times a day. They don’t have to set alarms every three hours in order to remember to eat. They haven’t had to fight with bosses, and get fired over mandatory breaks, because without food they’d become dangerously ill. They haven’t had to force down gravol to fight chronic insomnia in order to get to sleep to avoid elevated blood glucose levels. They haven’t had DKA, or taken metformin (which makes you feel like utter crap), or had people accuse them of being a heroin addict for injecting. People living without have not had thirst like I have had- have not been drinking 6-8L of water a day. They have not become comatose.

Whatever. I’ve digressed. What I mean to say is that most people are uninformed and insensitive. I actually came across a few websites about Nick Jonas the other day that sickened me. I’m not a Jonas Brothers fan, but I have respect for Nick Jonas. He found out he is a diabetic this year, and began fronting awareness ads and is a spokesperson for many diabetes products, like blood glucose meters. It’s really cool that someone so popular to kids, and so publicly available is doing his part to raise awareness, and to acknowledge that it is a growing and difficult disease. These websites were calling him a “fatty” (because apparently, only fat people have diabetes- that’s utter crap), and telling him to shut up and stop whining because he has “diabetes, not cancer”.

For anyone reading this living without diabetes, who may be unaware, who may believe that it is a known disease that is minor, and occurs only in the obese, I have some things to tell you. They say you can control your diabetes or let it control you. Diabetes always controls you. You can treat it or you can let it kill you- that’s the only difference. Everywhere you go, you have to consider when your next meal is, where to get it and how much it will cost, what the nutritional value will be. And meals! Meals are torture. Not only is the kind of food you have to eat expensive, it definitely isn’t instant, and it goes bad quickly. Certain foods, you can’t even hope to touch, or the portions are so little that having any is like torture. And you get to sit there with your greenfeed and watch someone eat something sinfully tasty. I can’t even eat two pieces of toast with a meal if it contains any other starches. There’s sugar in everything- fruits, vegetables, drinks, desserts, sauces, spices, medication (that’s right! I can’t take NyQuil!) You have to take your pump or your insulin everywhere with you all the time, even if you’re just leaving for five minutes. You have to have a constant eye on the time, have your blood glucose meter with you so that you know what your blood sugar is. You can’t really drink, and if you do you have to make sure you’re with people who know what to do in an emergency. You have to consider your blood sugar before, during and after exercise. You have to consider whether or not people who invite you over for dinner will make you anything you can eat. Most of the time, you have to make your meals separately from everyone else. You have to take your medication and sleep at the same times every day. You live within the very strict and serious constraints of diabetes all the time, every second. And if you ignore it, or try to make it wait until you are ready- it will quickly teach you a valuable lesson. It is also a completely financially unsupported and unrecognized disability. Two years ago, a man in the city I lived in, fell into a diabetic coma on public transit. People thought he was a junkie that passed out. They left him there all day, and all night. He almost died. After a single day.

Moving on!

Visiting the other house. It’s awkward, but getting less so. I’m glad, as I wouldn’t want the two months to pass and move back in with the way things are. I just want everyone else to get their crap sorted before I introduce a new ingredient to the dish (me), you know? Obviously I complicated an enormous mess and made things difficult to address. I’m in no position to get screwed up in someone else’s anxiety.

No idea why, but even when I’m enjoying myself, I’m finding that I’m having latent panic attacks. I’ll be having a really good time, in high spirits, and then the twisting chest pain starts and I can’t breathe. I find it aggravating and confusing.

Money is finally coming in. Not as fast as would be convenient, but whatever. I paid off my entire cellular bill, after being threatened by my carrier, like a coward at the mercy of a violent loan shark. I’m really upset about it, because I’ve been with them for 5 years, and have a reasonably acceptable record of payment. I’ve owed them at least twice as much, if not more, than I owed them for outstanding payments this time. After six weeks of no money coming in and nothing but owed expenses going out, it was hard to pay them. I would have at least paid them something, without even asking them to restore my service.  With one day of notice (and not even that, as their customer service closed before I could even get it dealt with) I was told my contract would be cancelled and sent to collections. I felt like they were holding me out a window, trying to shake me down for change. Pfft. Oh well, I paid it- all of it. I’d only been paid yesterday. One less bill weighing me down! Yay!

Fortunately, my only other bill is $50.

My advice to everyone: Make sure you have extended medical- either independently or through work. Get what you’re entitled to. Have an annual physical, including eyes. Get your dental checkups. I have a really awesome track record of being JUST into the red when in comes to circumstances required to make things work. I’ve had to learn the hard way to make sure I have my ass covered- and it has been a steep and expensive learning curve.

Anyhow. Thatisall. Until next time…

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/09/2010.

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