I’m Holding Out For A Hero

Today: "Today is a neutral day, where things will flow smoothly without any great effort on your part. However, over the coming few days the conjunction of Mercury and Jupiter could tempt you to take risks or speculate in such a way that would almost certainly bring failure. Just because you think that you’re lucky doesn’t mean that you are. By all means take a few chances, but chances not risks. You may misjudge your situation and see things in the future that are not really viable. So, by all means move forward, but do so with moderation not rashness."
 
Tomorrow: "People speak a lot about ‘doing the right thing’. Politicians, in particular, are keen to let voters know they can be trusted to make the correct decisions. It is, though, very hard to know if a decision is right or wrong, until you have taken it and made an effort to see it through. Often, it turns out that the right thing to do is to recognise that you have inadvertently done the wrong thing and then try to put it right. Don’t be too proud, this weekend, to rethink an old choice in the light of new information. It is not too late to fix an error."
 
After a few days of allowing myself to mull things over, I know what my problem is. When I blog, I haven’t always given myself time to simmer or relax. Sometimes I am at the height of my confusion and ill-equipped to understand how I feel. I erupt. Writing is my outlet. So when you read, don’t make assumptions just yet about who I am or how things are. Chances are, you’re wrong.
 
People have never seen me as being vulnerable. For some reason people associate vulnerability with weakness. It isn’t weakness. My inability to be vulnerable to others in the past has been my weakness. Putting a wall up all the time in the name of self-preservation isn’t always a good thing. You end up cutting yourself off from worthwhile things in life. Somewhere along the way, it became obvious that the more I wanted to let my guard down and be vulnerable to someone, the less opportunity there was to do so, and then I found myself wanting to be vulnerable to someone who was too vulnerable to protect me. And as my desire to be vulnerable to this person grew even more, they desired to be vulnerable to me. Eventually I became the beacon, the protector. I find myself stuffing down my true weaknesses, unable to let them show, or accept my deficiencies, or lean on anyone else to help me where I know I fall short. In turn, I find myself becoming more insensitive, colder and less understanding. I find myself turning to stone.
 
I’m not allowed to be weak. I’m not allowed to fall short. There is so much pressure on me to be everything I know I’m not that I feel like I have to be two people with the resources of one. Cliche or not, sometimes I want to be the princess in this scenario, with someone who sees me as being sensitive, too, who recognizes when I’m in danger or I need help, someone who will jump into the fray for me, someone who will defend my honor. I have never met a man who would allow me that. Why does everyone I meet think I’m Xena: Warrior Princess? Warrior women have no time for love. Why do you think they’re always alone, pushing away the men who love them? With so much war to fight and nobody but me willing to fight through it and solve the conflicts, I don’t have time for love. And that scares me.
 
I will never be her. I will never the the woman who made him feel like a White Knight. And that is where my resentment lies.
 
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 03/04/2010.

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