Past Sins (Words, Words, Words Will Never Change My Mind)

"You refuse to see you’re denying me
the cross I bear, but you don’t seem to care
I’m sorry if you can’t stand the naked truth
all you see is how you want it to be."
 
I’m feeling depressed. These days my mind wanders and I consider the past more than I should be looking forward. When I get depressed, things boil to the surface and I can’t shut it out. I don’t have a hard skin, like people think. I can’t force it down, or shut it out. It haunts me, and I am not doing well. Looking back at my life plagues me. What did I ever amount to? What was it all for? A certain woman emailed me today. We’ve spoken, and even on good terms since she nearly destroyed my relationship last year. But my mind still wanders. There is still a deep chip in my heart over it. People will tell me to let it go. I’m not sure if I’m really hanging onto it. I haven’t thought of it, really, in a long time. But I know it’s an avenue that must be walked down in order to reconcile it in my heart. As I poured through four years of my fiance’s blogs, it dawned on me that he has only ever written about me twice, and only once positively. While he gets such a rise out of the fact that I wrote about him the day we met, in a truly positive way, he did not write about me. He didn’t write about me before we dated. He did not write about me when we started seeing one another. He did not write about me when we got engaged. He wrote once, to apologize to me, and once to show a photo of me on his motorcycle. That makes me feel so inferior. I’m just an attainathon, I guess. There is one woman he has written dozens of blogs about. Will I ever forget that I am a distant second best?
 
Once he wrote about her as being someone so interesting that with her, his mind was never bored. Smart, and just cynical enough to endure the bullshit of daily life. He said that conversing with her was time well spent, that her brilliance held bounds so high that the average bystander would be stymied by her. Time with her was a möbius strip- the more time he spent with her the more emotionally invested he became, and the more he felt for her, the more time he spent. And then the melancholy of her always being with someone else. His pining over how lucky the men who actually got to be with her were, and how upsetting it was to him that they did not appreciate her as he did. He went on about his virtues in the ability to remain her platonic friend, and recover from knowing that would never change. Only it did. When he was so interested, he even acknowledged that withholding his feelings about things was to be self-defeating. He has never broken from defending that same quality in himself for a single day with me. He’s far away from me. I feel disconnected.
 
He held such romantic notion in that their mutual loneliness somehow bonded them in like. He talked about himself as if he were some galant hero on the way to her rescue. He wouldn’t even know to save me. I would die before he would notice. He does not see me as being that kind of woman- someone to take care of, or care for, or protect. If I left my safety in his hands, I would die. Knowing that he could never see me as romantically as he sees her, in that way, I could never trust him enough to look out for me. He can’t even defend me. He won’t. I bear that wound.
 
"Can I save her?"
 
He wrote of working together with her, but feeling helpless and lost to save her. "Brilliant, and unpredictable, Strong and fragile, powerful and delicate, beautiful and intimidating – all of these." He stated that if he were to lose her, his life would be tragic, and he would never recover. "Often had I dreamed of her." He wrote of pushing down his own feelings to be the friend and confidant she needed. But she found out about his feelings. Suddenly the blogs of the sun disappearing behind the ever-endlessly reaching black forest ended, and he wrote of sudden sunshine- an excitement for every next moment that made his skin tingle with thrilling awe- peace and purpose for the first time in his life. But he also wrote of pain, because she had a barrier up that kept him out when he found himself inevitably falling. "When she is ready, if she wants some company on the path through life, she is welcome to join me." Oh and that is a sword in my chest, slicing into the core of my heart. Those were the words he used to ask me to marry him. It was a 30 day dream, that too, burnt to the ground.
 
But his despair returned. He wrote sensual things about her pulse between his teeth, her neck against his lips, how she had skin softer than he knew it could be. How gratifying her gasp within his arms was, how she made herself fall into his arms vulnerably. This is a thing he has enjoyed with me- a bite, I’m sure, that has never failed to disappoint. In her he said he held a yearning desire, a "hunger that will not be sated. With fingers intertwined, I have felt her nails dig into the flesh of my palms so they almost broke the skin – I can never be the same."
 
I dare not spill even one more millimetre of my soul to his eyes or ears. He is intoxicated by being needed… but not by me. The scars on my heart throb and ache, and second thoughts spill out like blood from my veins and breath from my lips. "I WANT her in my life. I crave her presence. The way she inspires me to be a better person. She brings out the best in me." Subdue the beast. Clear your thoughts. Forget her scent. Deny desire. Fuck my fucking life.
 
His ears still perk like a happy dog when he is allowed to consider her- his curiousity is unavoidably obvious. So I push it all away- me, him, everyone. Everybody walks away. I’m the fool for believing it could be any different. Funny- how he said he’d only written of her a few times in 2006. Entries as far back as 2005- at least a dozen, and many that he deleted when she made her magic reappearing act. "It seemed she was happy. I wish I had known." If even one thing had been different, he would not be with me. I’m not insane enough to deny that it is through sheer stupid luck that we’re together. And I can’t fight what every fibre of my body knows to be true anymore. Fucking run, Kassi. Never make ties anywhere- never seek shelter or comfort in another. Never trust. Never believe. You are your only true hope. Don’t try to save me- not you, not anyone. That time is over. Those opportunities are closed. If you try I will fucking kick you where it hurts. I don’t want your second-rate, two-bit last-consideration excuse for being saved. Just let me fucking go like I was supposed to two years ago.
 
Sometimes I feel alone in a million crowd / An outsider wandering alone without any words to say
They can’t explain the desire to overcome the pain / Feel the breath that’s always getting away from me
Am I dreaming it all? I will never be afraid
I’ll survive in this nothing, leading nowhere / I survive, feeling strong for how much longer?
I’ll survive in this nothing leading nowhere / I survive
A voice inside of me that keeps on teasing / As sweet as like a whisper from the lips of pain
And so many steps that I can’t make / I can’t take the chance, release the brake
And the breath just keeps on getting away / Am I dreaming it all? I will never be afraid
I’ll survive in this nothing, leading nowhere / I survive, feeling strong for how much longer?
I’ll survive in this nothing leading nowhere / I survive

 

-You are repeating death in me-

I wake up to a smoking gun / The evidence in your head / There’s no proof of guilt or innocence
I’m finished with you taking me through a line of questioning that feeds you
I must confess I’m here to kill the pain / To kill the pain
What can I do? / How hard I fight / No matter how / How long I’ve tried
The sword of justice in my hand / You cut me down, sharp like a blade
You make me want to never trust again
I’m finished with you dragging me through more lies and deceit that feeds you
I must confess I’m here to kill the pain / Doesn’t matter, if it mattered
I would never have tried to save us both from losing our minds
Doesn’t matter / You shatter me now / I have to get away / The rain comes / The rain comes
Nothing gonna buy you time / The rain comes / The rain comes / You know its gonna come

K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 03/01/2010.

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