Questions, Problems, Answers: I’ve Got None
Saturday: "Playground or prison? Which word, please, more aptly describes your world? Life will always confront us with rules and restrictions. When, though, we start to feel as if we are being perpetually punished, we lose more than a sense of joy. We lose the plot! We start to think that this is what our existence is all about. Somehow, this causes us to face an even bigger set of limitations. It’s time for you to make a bid for freedom. Don’t allow yourself to have a bad reaction, this month, to a situation that reminds you of past problems. Treat each day as a new day, full of hope. And be ready to benefit from a very special friendship."
Sunday: "Some people make us feel good when we are with them. We feel edgy or uneasy when we are with other people. Those feelings tell us plenty, but they do not tell us everything, Sometimes, we learn and benefit more from time spent in ‘challenging’ company than we do when we’re around ‘easy’ folk. Sometimes too, when we think too much about what we feel and why, we tie ourselves up in knots of confusion. Be aware of your feelings this week – but don’t be a slave to them. Coming up soon is an encounter or experience that makes you feel truly, wholly excellent. About that, there can be no doubt. About all else, keep an open mind."
People need to shed their preconceived notions of me. I’m not a person you can count on all the time to be consistent and reliable. I give that impression- because sometimes I think I’d like to be that person… but before long people bring me back down to Earth and I realize that those kinds of people are largely taken for granted and taken advantage of.
For some reason, the nightmares are back- about pretty much everything. Stupidly, I dreamed that my ex tried to prank call me and that opened a door I wasn’t willing to have open. I wish I could just erase him. I’m good most of the time, but someone’s digging into my life last night sort-of reopened that topic. And despite my reopened dialogue with whats-her-face, I will never trust her. I know I said I hoped to, but she justified her actions to the end without seeing that her opportunity was long over- that she was trying to take from someone else’s time. Though in the end, they both apologized- in that triangle before, they both saw me as the outsider- the new person who didn’t really and truly belong where she was standing (or supposed to be). Unfortunately I feel like that a lot- like I don’t belong; like I simply can’t compete or hold a candle to these people. People I care about seem to always try so hard to tell me they can do better.
Things are just compacting. Especially now that I know there is a 95% chance that I will be spending the first 2+ years of my marriage living apart from my husband. I’m seriously tired of other people’s bullshit. And though I am supposed to start work tomorrow, and called to make sure, I haven’t received my start date yet. I’m counting on EI now, and that is a position I seriously did not want to be in.