Something Is Slipping Away, Sometimes It Feels Like You Don’t Have A Body

Today: "You cannot believe all that you are being told, nor can you allow yourself to totally trust your own opinion or explanation. You are biased in one way; someone else is biased in another. What you sorely need is an objective appraisal of a critical situation. You need to talk to someone who is far enough removed from the drama to have a clear view, yet not so far away as to have no understanding of the detail. Such an individual exists. Even if you don’t want to take their advice, you ought at least to hear it. Seek advice, insight and inspiration this week and you’ll eventually end up making a priceless discovery."
Tomorrow: "If we didn’t have friends, we couldn’t have enemies. We’d have nobody to fall out with – nobody to disappoint or feel let down by. Who would we do favours for? Who could we go out of our way to help? Who could we tell our secrets to? Who would we have to blame when those secrets were then passed to someone else? Friendship is a mixed blessing. So is love and so is wealth. The problems they bring are, by and large, worth having. A drama now puts an emotional involvement in the spotlight. If you’re confused, talk to someone outside the situation. And, no matter what you’re going through, just trust. It will all be OK."
Stay away. I don’t know how many warning signs I have to put up, or how hard I have to work to drive everyone away. I don’t know why people won’t just listen when I try to warn them that no good will come of me. You know what? Don’t argue with me about that right now. How I feel isn’t wrong- isn’t that what you all keep telling me? That my feelings aren’t wrong? I’m ready to start getting rid of my stuff and living like nowhere will ever really be "home". I’m ready to accept that my life was meant to be an existence short, and free of ties. I’m ready to accept that I am not the kind of person people know for long- and from now on I have no plans to get attached or let anyone else get attached either. Fuck it all. I’m tired of being disappointed, I’m tired of hating myself.
One day’s drama gives way to another. Why is this my life? I wish I was a guy. I don’t even know how I slept last night.
Well, I’m back living with my Mom. We’re in the process of moving my things back in- though, as I said, I’m starting to think that a life without it might be a fucking relief. I hate moving. I’m trying to find the blessing in it- but I’m not sure there is one. John and I are still getting married, but I think a huge part of me is waiting for that to just be one more fucking thing that falls apart and I don’t get to have. If it disappears, I doubt I will be surprised.
Since I moved in with John, Chris has been a constant sore spot. At first, everyone was worried that my being over there all the time was going to irritate him, so I backed off. And then people thought that since I spent so much time over there, I should move in. People were talking about moving into my room before I’d even had plans to move out. So somehow, it was decided that I was moving in with John. So I did. I’ve always been wary of such things- especially in recent years. I didn’t force myself into it- I was afraid. I was apprehensive. I let everyone else tell me where home was. It’s a harrowing thing, knowing that my life was a lot more simple when I had the room and the permission to be selfish, and self-reliant. Sometimes I’m not sure that things should be the way they are- stuff was a lot easier to keep, to keep a grasp on, and to aspire to when they were that simple. Every time I try to drive towards something I want in life, for some reason it gets so complicated that I lose my direction and my desire- or rather- it loses desire for me. I don’t know if anything is right. Sometimes I think it would be best if I was alone and nobody had to "deal" with me.
Forgive me. I’m fucking weak.
I wake up in the morning
and I wait for him to leave
just like I used to with her.
All day I fight the fear of my rapidly ebbing freedom
as the hour of his return draws near
just like it used to.
I dread coming home to the inevitable pulling aside
to hear how I fall short and what else I’ve done wrong
Just like I used to.
Now I’m out on my ass, as I always seem to be.
The common denominator
is me
How do I relive this equation over and over
and not see
when every other factor seems to change
but no matter what it ends up this way?
Stay the fuck away from me
I was bred to ruin lives
especially mine
so stay out of it- I don’t want you either.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 02/06/2010.

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