The Things That I Did Wrong, I’ll Bet You’ve Got A List
Friday: "Most people fall in love at some point in their lives. Some remain in that state for evermore. Others find that, for one reason or another, the experience does not last so long. Even the most romantically inclined would have to concede that you can’t permanently sustain the electricity of an initial encounter. Love, deepens, mellows, ripens. Some people are so enthralled by the thrill of the new that they feel cheated when it wears off. Wherever, though, there has been true love once, there can be true love again."
Today: "You can read a book, do a Sudoko puzzle, take a nap, draw a picture. These are all legitimate ways to distract yourself when you are travelling by train, plane or some other form of long-haul passenger transport. What you can’t do is force the driver to speed up or to change direction. Nor, for the time being at least, can you disembark and board some other vehicle. That’s all you need to keep in mind. You’re on a cosmic journey that simply has to have a happy ending… eventually. Meanwhile, get comfortable and make the most of what’s good. A crucial process should be given just a few weeks longer to unfold."
Days run into each-other. Fatigue comes and goes- mostly, it goes. At least once a week I stay awake for days, until my body runs into complete exhaustion and I pass out. I’m anemic and suffering dehydration and electrolyte deficiency. My resting heart-rate some days is 100-130 bpm, but my blood pressure is 122 over 65. No matter how hard I work to keep it all up, it just gets away from me. My doctor is worried that my kidney may be worsening. I choose to remain skeptical. I think that I’m simply used to being on a routine schedule, and I’m not taking well to the current disarray of things. I’m having to resort to small doses of gravol to put myself to sleep at night, because I just can’t get there on my own. I am kicking caffeine, though. I’ve completely stopped drinking energy drinks and caffeinated diet-drinks. I am trying to mostly drink herbal teas (though admittedly I do still drink Earl Grey- but only about half a pot a day- and I do have decaf to switch to once its used up), and if I have coffee at all, its either dark roast (1-2 cups a day) or decaf. That’s turning out to be much easier and lessening my dehydration problem.
I’m having a serious fight with my pharmacy right now, because they’ve outright refused to dispense the generic insulin to me. It costs about 50% of the cost of the brand insulin I have been prescribed, but as I’m not working, it’s better than taking nothing. They’re legally required to dispense the generic if I ask for it, but I’ve been told that it a) doesn’t exist and b) even if it did, I would need a brand new prescription for it and c) it is not the same as the insulin I’m taking and isn’t used to treat the same things. That’s a load of bullshit. Synthetic insulin and naturally occurring insulin are virtually the same, except for a few minor differences. The dosages are identical. The long-acting (NPH) is administered in a half dose at the beginning of the day and again at the end, as it is only effective for 12 hours. The generic (Toronto) also takes longer to become effective and needs to be taken another 15 minutes earlier than the brand insulin (Humalog). NPH is also a suspension, so it must be "turned" (NOT SHAKEN!) so that the settled suspension once again becomes properly mixed. I have the pens specifically for the generic (NovoRapid), that were given to me by the hospital. I have taken it before, I have been prescribed for it before. In fact, I have the boxes and the prescriptions to prove it. I am sick of undereducated, inept fucktards telling me what they think they know about treating a disease I have that they don’t. Excuse me pharm-assistant, go back and get your GED.
I had an interview at NCO on Thursday, that went well. I have a secondary interview on Monday as an overview to my application and interview information. They will be letting me know whether or not I have it then. If I get it, I won’t be starting until March. In the meantime, I am hoping that I get hired elsewhere, just for the month. The greater chance is that I won’t tell them whether or not I will be leaving for NCO. I have a right to do so within the first three months without notice.
In other avenues, I never feel like I ever have any time. No matter what I’m doing, or where, or at what time, someone wants me to be somewhere doing something, and if I try to do anything, someone else expects me to be where they wanted instead. No matter what I do, I’m being pulled in another direction. I grew up an only child in my household, for the most part. My parents were almost never home and I was left to my own devices. I’ve been surrounded by other people for months with little to no privacy, with nothing but hands directing me on where to go and what to do. It has become this mindless game that I have had an increasing opposition to, and it’s driving me nuts. I want my DVD player back in my room so that when I lay down at the end of the day to pass out but my brain is too busy, if I fall asleep I don’t get bitched at the next day for sleeping on the couch. Sorry, but I lived in the lower mainland on a major traffic artery for a long time. The silence here is enough to ensure that I never sleep again. The sound and distraction help me sleep, and once I’m out I don’t have to worry that the 6am risers are going to wake me up.
I am tired of being shuffled around like an old box. No matter where I shuffle to in this place, someone is complaining about it. And people wonder why I tend to be a bit antisocial at home, stick to myself, dial in remotely to my computer so I can be in my private sanctum and build my private temple. I am not into feeling like a stack of old books. I’d rather leave the rest of the house to the people who think they own it and mind my own business where I apparently belong: in storage. I did warn certain individuals whose idea it was to be rid of our second couch that to do so would create a distinct lack of seating. I was overruled and it was decided that a three-person sofa in a three-person house would be enough. I lived in my own apartment for almost 4 years. I’m not used to living with other people, especially people with larger-than-life personalities. If I had it my way, I’d have my own kitchenette downstairs, and a way out without going upstairs. Like a mole.
We do have plans to make our downstairs area more like a suite than it is now, and today we are making strides towards that. I’m looking forward to getting our lives a little more segregated. I appreciate that Chris lives here too, and that at some point, he’d like to have a new romantic relationship also. It isn’t unfair of him to want, but I can’t see him involving himself with another woman who just so happens to be another great friend of ours, and who, in turn, will be comfortable with our living arrangement. It may be more manageable for this potential girlfriend in the future, but I doubt it would be the way things are. If Chris wants to bring girlfriends over and have the right to ask us to shuffle off, then we need our own space. That has become pretty clear. It sucks, because I walked into their lives, and it has really changed the dynamic of the house. But John and I both feel impacted by living here. In many, many ways, we’re unbelievably grateful, and in others, we feel helplessly weighed down, and trapped.
Feeling antsy, and emotionally drained a lot, lately. I keep feeling déjà vu- something I can’t explain. It isn’t so much that I feel like I’m repeating something, but moreso that I feel like I remember a feeling I used to have all the time, an atmosphere around me. Like I’m remembering me from a certain point in time. It always leaves me unnerved and unsettled. I’m not sure what it means.