You Think I’d Leave Your Side, Baby? You Know Me Better Than That

Today: "’You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time…’ So sang Elvis in his memorable rendition of this Leiber and Stoller hit. The lyrics are not exactly rich, varied or complex, and nor are the emotions that they express. There are, though, times when we can all identify with the spirit of the song. You are fed up about someone or something at the moment and you don’t feel especially inclined to make allowances. It is, though, going to be a long and unproductive weekend, unless you can find a way to see a little more in the situation."


Saturday: "We all understand that life is short; yet some weeks, it seems, are far too long – when we want a story to have one ending yet it seems determined to have another. Or when we’ve got to spend time with someone we don’t like hanging around. That’s when we get infuriated or become perplexed. It’s when we start feeling frustrated or we stop seeing sense. As we do, the magic and pleasure of simply being alive fades faster than a politician’s promise. All you need, to be happy right now, is a greater sense of ‘flow’. How do you attain that? By being less emphatic and insistent about which way everything ought to be flowing!"

Things aren’t a lot better. I’m still looking for work, as is John, and the time gap is closing. The whole thing makes me very nervous. Christmas is on, giftless, but on. We promised each other that in lieu of everyone being so financially down, that being together would be enough. I’m hoping that when and if we have time with the Bean, we will be able to scrounge together money for a small gift. We were considering getting her a simple music player, and now you can get them for pretty cheap. I have my concerns that she is still too young for that, but I may be cynical.

I’ve realized something rather important. Deanne isn’t making our lives difficult because she’s reaping revenge upon John- maybe that’s a nice side-effect, but intuition tells me that making his life so complex is a scare tactic. All it does is make me stronger. I have the power; and she will have to pry that out of my cold, dead body. If she plans to make my life hell, she’ll be getting one hell of a return on her investment- just not in the currency she’s hoping for. I explain- this sounds horrible, even vengeful, but it isn’t without justification or reason. I won’t create conflicts, I won’t create ways to make her life difficult. I plan to simply be happy in the place she wishes she could stand, and absolutely revel and glow with joy while she writhes with jealous self-hatred.

Ultimately, what I would like to have happen is to remove the shit she hides behind by laying this all out on the table. If there is no facade, she can’t hide behind it while she schemes her intrigues. I would love to rip away her comfort zone in one fell swoop and see what the woman is really made of when she can’t feign rehearsed innocence and civility. I’m good under pressure. I’d love to see her lash out and show her true colors. Every time she does something nasty its behind our backs. I want her do take a stab right where we can see her.

I’m optimistic about things… just apprehensive.

K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 12/11/2009.

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