The Ugly Truth

Welcome. This is my new blog, and I created it, in part, to write with some kind of anonymity without hiding what I need to say. Sometimes I need to censor what  think even from the people with whom I share almost everything. I am a fairly confident person. I’m an extrovert who is spontaneous, but organized. However, on some things, I find myself second-guessing myself. I doubt things about myself and about the way the world works.

Some might call me naïve, or an idealist. Perhaps I am, and who knows where that quality even came from? I come from a broken home, I was raised (at least in part) by single parents. I jumped homes and schools a lot. Until I was a teenager, my life was pretty rootless. I’ve lived with philanderers, scumbags, alcoholics and drug abusers. I have no illusions about the way the world can be.

At some point in my life, I decided that these qualities were undesirable in people- they were fatal flaws. I lead myself to believe that they needed to be eradicated in order to create the perfect world. Maybe I see the world through the eyes of a child. But even as an adult, daily, my beliefs are proven ineffectual and pretty useless, as I am exposed to the way that most people live. Have you ever woken up and realized that the word you live in isn’t the one you belong in?

I was cheated on by my last boyfriend, who I was with for 6 years, and common-law married to for four. He’s a dreamer who wanted to be in film, and a total control freak who hates his Father for his being a control freak. Ironic, isn’t it? I loved him. I loved him a lot more than I openly admit to now, mostly because the memories hurt. I don’t love him anymore, and I am getting married to someone new, who is my world. Cheating is a huge source of contention for me in life, as I was cheated on, and as my fiancee has cheated on previous girlfriends. That has been a hard fact to deal with in our relationship, because my fear is so intense.

My ex cheated on me with a 17 year old girl over the course of several months. The physical cheating was actually only present for a week or two before our relationship ended, but he was slipping out of the house hours early for work claiming to need to do laundry at work on a daily basis. It turns out that he was meeting her at the mall. My ex was 24 years old when he started sleeping with this 17 year old girl. She was the age that I was when he and I started sleeping together, and we were so much alike. Part of me hated her, for knowing what she was doing to me and not caring. Part of me feared for her because he was going to take this girl from her abusive parents (and they were) and chew her up and spit her out, just like he did with me. I destroyed myself and my life trying to make him happy. I didn’t even realize he was abusive until it was over, and I was still flinching at everything, the way I used to, waiting for his reaction.

I’m not sure people can be faithful to each other. I think that there is just me, and it hurts. Last night I fell asleep on the couch with a friend of mine (Mark), while watching Castle. Only I know that he likes me (he said so), and would be open to the idea of sleeping with me. He and his Wife (that’s right) are in an open, polyamorous marriage; which is something I only suspected until last night. Last night, when I went to my room to change, I overheard my roommate (Bailey)’s common-law husband (Tom) having sex with Mark’s wife. I’ve always been uncomfortable with the weird switch-a-spouse sleeping arrangements that go on in this house when we have guests. Bailey has previously told me that she doesn’t care about infidelity, as long as her spouse still wants to be with her the next day.

I’m not sure if she knows whether or not Tom and Mark’s wife are having sex. I think she has suspected it, because Mark and his wife being over all the time has been the subject of many off-handed remarks on Bailey’s part. Something inside tells me that it bothers her more than she would ever let on.

Anyhow, I went back to the TV room to continue watching Castle, and let it slip how happy I was for Tom and Bailey that they were finally having an intimate night together, since I hadn’t seen evidence of anything like that in more than 3 months. I got the sleeping arrangements confused, and Mark came back into the room terribly amused, and informed me that it wasn’t Bailey in the room, it was his wife. He looked like he thought it was funny. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t killing himself over the idea of his wife sleeping with another man, on a weekly basis.

Mark wants to sleep with me. I never will. I love my fiancee. But the more I witness these common transgressions in other people’s lives, the less hope I have that any man could be monogamous. Am I stupid to have these fears? When so many of my friends are cheaters themselves, or are having casual sport-sex? Are we really emotionless animals? Is it all a sham?

Today I am second guessing my faith in my future.

FYI: To men that cheat, here’s a breakdown on why it’s wrong:

1) The lying. If you can’t tell your spouse that you either want to or are sleeping with another woman, it’s wrong. Furthermore, if you aren’t okay with your spouse sleeping with other men, it’s really, REALLY wrong.

2) Most women who pursue married (or committed) men will tell you that it’s a thrill-ride because it’s so exciting to know that the man is more attracted to her than he is with his own wife. No wife wants to be second best to some slut when it comes to her husband.

3) The reasoning is evenly split for women who sleep with married men. Half of them want no-strings sex with a man who is desperate for attention, who will spend too much money on bribe gifts, who is willing to fuck up his life and lose everything just to sleep with her.
The other half are counting on the man to leave his family to be with her, and are hoping that marriage is in the picture.

My faith is visibly shaken.

K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 12/04/2009.

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