I Didn’t Think You’d Sell Me Out, Now I Know What You’re All About
Today: "The older we get, the more we tend to draw on experience. Usually, this is a part of what makes us wise. Every so often, though, we can end up feeling as if we have ‘seen it all before’. You are now looking at an option or a situation that seemingly resembles a problem with which you once had a bitter encounter. Your initial emotional reaction is, consequently, an urge to steer clear. But in one key way this new development is very different. Consider all that you face with a more open mind. Draw on your past experiences of grace, serendipity and good fortune as you make decisions in the coming few weeks. There are more big changes happening next month, get ready to meet the challenges and cope with Christmas."
Sunday: "’Even if you’ve got poor eyesight, you can still help to guide a blind person.’ You may not have all the answers you now need, but you have enough. The trouble is, recent events have shaken your confidence. You can remember mistakes that got made, problems that got stirred up and worries that kept on getting worse. So you don’t feel like taking charge of any situation. You’d rather let someone else have that responsibility while you just go along with whatever seems easiest. But like it or not, you’re the person best qualified to make a decision now… and your choices are likely to work out best for everyone."
Things are tough. Things have been tough for a long time. I’m not sure they ever stopped being tough. I keep trying; I keep fighting. I have fought for myself, and I have fought for others. A lot of people have this incorrect notion that everything is going really well. Things are going alright. Some things are going terribly. The point is that for some reason, people think I have it all together- that everything is handled and I have the solutions. I don’t. I’m fumbling along day by day, praying that things will work out. One problem solved has always managed to give way to another bigger problem. So forgive me; I am most certainly carrying a load of resentments. I know that some of them may not be fair, and a lot of them are based on uncontrollable circumstances in my life and the lives of people I love.
As it stands, if John and I don’t find some money (and by some, I mean nearly a grand) in the next four days, we are going to lose our home. We were expecting a payment from EI that didn’t arrive when it was meant to. There is a chance that it was postponed until Monday, but if by Monday it is not in our account, we won’t be getting it. Our next mortgage payment is due on the third. If it isn’t paid by then, the bank will foreclose on our house.
Don’t you dare give me some bullshit lecture about how when you were my age, you were poor. Don’t give a poor person a lecture about being poor. TRUST ME. I know what it is to be poor. I live in an age where nobody can afford to buy a home anymore- when even renting an apartment costs more than paying off a 40 year mortgage. Don’t lecture me when I don’t make enough to even help my fiancee make mortgage payments or contribute to bills; when I have to eat throwouts from work instead of buying groceries to get by and have enough left over to buy my own wedding dress (which, by the way, is a bridesmaids dress because I couldn’t afford to buy a wedding dress). Don’t lecture me when I know I don’t have money to pay for my wedding or my reception, when I’ve sacrificed the whole damn thing to the point where my honeymoon is going to be a one-night campout in a tent in my in-laws’ yard, after the potluck (because we cannot afford to feed our guests) reception at their house. Don’t lecture me when I have pinched my pennies to the extent that I couldn’t afford to travel to the mainland for even one day to have a physical with my family doctor in order to keep my driver’s license. That’s right, folks, I’ve had my driver’s license revoked because I have a disibility.
People keep asking me why I’m planning my own wedding pretty well by myself. My question to these people is if they see anyone else stepping up to the plate to help (aside from Jan and Sarah, who are doing what they can- long distance). I have a Maid of Honor, who these responsibilities would normally go to, however, she is in Vancouver, in school full time, and unemployed. Expecting her to do any of it is completely unrealistic and unfair. And while based on that, perhaps I should have picked someone else for the job, I don’t want anyone else, and nobody else is or was available to do it either. Not even my own parents can contribute to my wedding. It makes me angry that I didn’t decide to get married before now. I’m starting to worry that I will have to choose between getting married and keeping a roof over my head. And it isn’t fair.
I’m so, so angry that my own family doesn’t take me seriously, that my wealthy grandparents offered to contribute to my wedding and then retracted their offer almost immediately and followed it up by suggesting that I go to Value Village. Enjoy Cuba, you fucking assholes. You’ll be lucky if you ever meet any of your Grandchildren. I don’t even know why they come back from their 8 months of annual travel. They must feel like they’re really slumming it when they have to come back to their pathetic home and their even more pathetic family. I’ve seen what they’ve done to the rest of my family. I gave them the benefit of the doubt and held my faith in them. They let me down, and I have lost all of my respect. I can respect the inability to afford things- their value to me was never financial. I loved them. But they held their money over my head and tied a string to it. I was wary of accepting their gift, even though I couldn’t see the string- I knew it was there. But I tried to have faith, and I dared to consider accepting their help, even graciously. The truth was a hard slap in the face… and it hurt. After everything there was between us, they think no better of me than all of the other money-grubbers in my family. Everything they could ever offer me is a trap. I want nothing from them. Not even their "love".
Forgive me if I’m angry. I’ve spent my life fairly decisive, ambitious, knowing what I want. I was never confused. I always, ALWAYS had a goal. I knew where I wanted to go to school, I knew what I wanted to take. But it wasn’t soon enough for my Dad. Instead of going to a University that specialized in my dream career, he wanted to me go to community college, taking something that has no ability to further my potential, just so I could say I went. And now that I have to pay roughly $6720 a year out of a $28,000 income just for medical supplies and prescriptions… that’s a pipedream that I have to permanently lay to rest. That doesn’t factor in food, bills or periods of unemployment. And it sucks and even hurts when everyone I know is telling me about their bachelor’s degrees and their new apprenticeships in career-making jobs they love, and I get to tell them that I work at a corner store.
I want something I want out of my life. Something. I don’t think I’m asking for much. Does my whole life have to be struggling to be happy? To accept what a fucking blatant disappointment I am to everyone I know? People keep suggesting that I take out a student loan, but I can’t even afford to pay my MSP bill. And every day I choke down how hard it is, how hard I work, how disappointed and worried and stressed I am, because there is no room for it. I am surrounded by so much of everyone else’s despair, that if I wasn’t holding the world up it would collapse and crush us all. That’s been me my whole life; fucking myself over one step at a time because other people couldn’t or wouldn’t make the sacrifice.
I want to get married, and I want it to be worth remembering. I want one, beautiful, happy day. I’d like to have a honeymoon. A lot of people I know have had several, one to go along with each of their marriages. I’d like to have a baby. But God robbed me of the only one that wanted to grow inside me. I’m choking on it all and I just don’t have any more in me. Every day, another challenge. I want my life to be simple. I want to survive. I want ONE, good, long-term job. It doesn’t have to amaze me or change my life. All I’m asking for are steady hours, a decent pay wage and benefits. I want an affordable home with my husband and our two children. I want one car with four seats for us to all use. I’d like to have the money to buy a gym membership.
As it stands, I have a hard time explaining to a pharmacist why I can only buy 15 days worth of insulin at a time. It’s embarrasing and makes me feel ashamed of myself to have to tell her that I can’t afford $300.00 worth of insulin. The light at the end of the tunnel is disappearing. The backbreaking, overwhelming, choking despair is starting to set in. I can’t breathe, and I’m not sure if it would be better or worse not to wake up. I’ve suffered. And if everyone is content for my whole life to be that way… I’m not sure I want it.