Say Hello, Remain Close To Me, Where You Used To Be
Today: "Don’t even bother trying to set the agenda now. You haven’t got the freedom you need and, if you try to fight for it, you’ll only upset those you owe a little something to. Go along gracefully with what’s required of you, smile sweetly at those remarks that make you cringe and consider it all an exercise in self-discipline. A little chance to enjoy a moment of pure pleasure will turn up just when all is looking most dire. And where there’s one such moment, another can never be too far away. Your planetary outlook may be challenging, but some strongly supportive celestial factors will ensure (eventual) success. Meanwhile, take your time and trust that you are safe to take it!"
Monday: "Discussions don’t produce agreements unless all parties secretly want to make a deal. Requests are never granted unless the person being asked has a reason to act generously. If you want to make progress in your dealings with others this week, you have to employ all that you instinctively understand about the psychology of motivation. Think about the best way to phrase things. Be sensitive to people’s prejudices and preferences. And if you really can’t think of a strategy, just take a wild guess and trust your instincts."
Reflecting. It’s something I do, in the 45 minutes each way, to and from work every day. I think back on the last 19 months, and I know without doubt that moving here was the best thing I have ever done for my life. I remember the bittersweet optimism, the slow-blooming hope I had building for myself when I first moved here. It yielded some amazing new beginnings and friendships. Some of them remain, some of them are tenuous at best.
I think that one of the most important memories I will ever have was a day in July 2008. I made a confession that I wasn’t sure I was ready to make, to someone that it seemed wanted me to make it. I leapt, and it backfired. I wasn’t ready for my newly launched pidgeon to be shot out of the air- to have my flight cut off so abruptly. I lost a lot of tears that day, and someone I’ve grown to love was a shoulder for me. Something he said caused everything that came after it. If someone out there is looking for something to blame, it was that day. I’ve watched life pass me by, and I’ve let opportunities slip through my fingers so many times. I was asked to take a chance and risk it all. We were both the ones that always took the risk and got to bear the pain of losing. I’m the one who had the fortitude to jump into the fray, yet again, in the name of finding something real. I cried on the shoulder of someone who it hurt to see me cry over someone else. It was his reaction to my tears, the way he wiped them away, the way he wanted to take the hurt and snuff it out– that started all of this. I can’t say it wouldn’t have happened any other way…
… but to this person, I thank you- because without that day, I wouldn’t have this one.
I take with me, to my last day, the memory of my fiancee’s smiling face looking up at me from the bottom of the stairs at my front door. He looked at me like it was the only good thing that had happened to him in the longest time. Nobody had looked at me that way in such a long time.
I don’t know what you think of the choices I’m making, or why you would agree- or disagree, if that’s the case. I feel like a lot of people are talking to me indirectly, in some code that I’m supposed to understand. Forthrightness is all I can deal with, now. If there is something you need to say, say it. If there is something you want me to know, tell me. The decisions I am making are solid, they are permanent. They can’t be nullified when the time is too late.