Feeling This Tension Inside Of Me, Pressure Is Presently Pushing Down On Me

Today: "You’re not at all sure that you are looking forward to November. Each day recently, seems to have taught you something new about yourself. You keep having to review a lot of the assumptions that you once clung to for support and security. As this happens, you find yourself changing your mind about what you want – and you feel confused about what you can get. You’re not sure if your situation is good or bad. You’re not even sure whether to feel happy or sad. That tells you something. Give the benefit of the doubt to what’s going on; then the month will yet give you the benefit of a happiness that’s beyond all doubt."
 
"You can’t hold your world together now
And everyone sees who you really are
When your castle crumbles at your feet
Don’t you run to me."
-3 Doors Down
 
It’s nearly 2am. I’ve been up since 5:30am- that’s right… …yesterday. Don’t get me wrong. I’m exhausted. It’s the knot in the pit of my stomach that keeps me awake tonight. I don’t know why old doubts are reentering my sphere. I think with the way I’m feeling- so overwhelmed- that I have no room left to accomodate the time or energy it takes to rule out any of my fears. Halloween. It used to be a good thing. It used to be important. Tonight I spend it alone, on my computer, as I did this same time two years ago, in the same way- while my significant other spends the night with someone else. No matter what that ultimately means (which is moreso that he is not spending it with me), I have this unsettling feeling brewing inside. A sure sign that something is really off. I’m starting to feel like every avenue of my life is totally out of my league.
 
Today was actually quite warm in comparison to recent weather. That should have been the early warning sign that it was going to rain. But then, this is the wet coast. When does it stop raining?
 
I think I’ve put a finger on what it is about the strength people see in me that I hate so much. Somehow, people perceive my strength as a license to do what they want because I can deal. People in my universe seem to unanimously ignore what I need, or what I want. Okay, so I don’t NEED someone to take care of me. But for a change, it would be nice to know someone wanted to try. Fuck it. Nobody is ever going to do that. It’s one of the things that’s so "alluring" about me. There’s no responsibility. Nobody has to handle me, or care for me, or answer to me. Nobody has to consider me at all, because I can do that for myself. I’m so easy to be around, because being around me is like not being with anyone at all. Well fuck you all, too. Let’s see how you like it. Eye for a fucking eye, user. Climb your own mountain, build your own fucking foundation, till your own fucking grave and lay in it. You won’t get any sympathy or help from me. It’s time everyone started to learn a little bit about fucking fortitude.
 
That’s right. I mean you.
 
Sometimes being strong means saying the shit that really sucks, not because it sucks, but because it’s true, and someone has been carrying you through on bullshit and dayreams. I won’t be the patch. I won’t fix your life, won’t help you heal, won’t lend you a hand or help carry you through. Why? Because I’m fucking busy carrying me through the day. Deal with it.
 
The plan is to try and get some sleep, rise as early as possible, and find a way to not be home until I absolutely have to. The alternative is to get up, go out for a few hours, and then come home and get as hammered as possible in the shortest amount of time possible so that I can pass out until Sunday. Happy fucking Pumpkin Day.
 
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 10/31/2009.

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