Even When I’m Alone I Hear Your Mellow Drone, You’re Everywhere Inside Of Me
Wednesday: "Mercury, the ruler of your sign, is just about visible in the pre- dawn sky, right now. It is close to the horizon, forming a little line with Saturn and Venus. There are several interpretations you can place on this picture. But all would imply an entitlement, on your part, to relaxation. You don’t have to fight as hard, run as fast or worry as much, as you might think. Go easy on yourself and be especially lenient wherever you feel that you are letting someone else down or failing to fulfil an expectation. You are being asked to do something impossible. It may have seemed as if old problems had returned as a troublesome opposition of Saturn and Uranus became briefly more powerful than the healing alignment of Jupiter, Neptune and Chiron. But this rare, positive ‘triple conjunction’ was still at work in your personal chart. Prepare for the calm after the celestial storm. Discover when your life should change forever, for the better."
Thursday: "If there is something you really can’t do, it must be because it really can’t be done. You are more than willing to try every technique and explore any avenue. You are quite happy to think creatively or take a roundabout route to your destination. The more you hurry, the less inventive you will become. You can only engage imagination through a state of relaxation. Don’t worry about what others may think – and resist the temptation to put yourself under pressure. Whatever needs to come next, will come naturally."
I miss the way I used to open up to you. Strange, but I find myself missing the moments of unfolding, where I was allowed that inch of integrity, in which I was entirely free. I’m an emotional being, and a lot of people have seem to think that doesn’t amount to much. Somehow, when I am disconnected from it, I feel more alone than ever. I never thought I’d find a friendship like this one, one in which I could say anything, be so vulnerable, and it would have another person glued to their seat. Suddenly being myself, who I really and truly am, became important, and nurtured. We were both searching for something. For awhile I had hoped I’d found it. And it’s okay that the way of things led me to I find it somewhere else, at another time. It seemed to me that you wanted it that way, so I hope you feel it is okay, too. For so long I worried that I had broken some unspoken agreement, that all denials and retractions were made out of apprehensive fear. I warned you once that I am someone who dives headlong, who risks all, who is voracious and has tenacity. I warned you once that inside me there is unstoppable fire. You were so afraid I’d burn you. But then, I was willing to be the burning houseboat atop the tumultuously stormy seas of your moods. I always felt so much more honest when I could be true to my feelings, without shame. RISK was not a term with which you wanted to be familiar.
I listen to a song on my iPod and months of life are stripped away. I remember feelings that left me long ago, so vividly, like a blind man remembers the vividness of color. I remember how sad, how hopeless (and in other moments, how honest, and bittersweet, and optimistic) I was. I feel connected to every compartmentalized cube of time I have lived, like every box has been opened, and every instance of me throughout time is present in one place. It’s overwhelming. In one song I am that woman on the couch that day, texting madly, wondering what happens next, like her life has become the page-turner she can’t put down. I remember all of my fear, and every excitement. Coming back to the basics of who I am, and being responsible for little more than finding my true self again was one of the best times of my life, and I can never thank you enough for adding yourself to the memory of it.
I miss the way
the words between used to
freely, when life moved nice and s l o w . . .
There is a part of me that is waiting to emerge again. Somewhere, she is in here, lost to life’s daily routine. She is in here. She is waiting. She is very much alive. Whenever life gets too full of lists of things that need to be solved or taken care of, making sure that I’m okay, that I’m connected, seems to lose its importance. All I have are the moments alone, in the middle of the night, walking down the street, or sitting on a bus to somewhere, being moved by the melodies that travel through my earphones into my head. (Yesterday, I listened to one that reminded me of how ready I am to marry the man who put this ring on my finger- and I couldn’t stop laughing. The happiness was too great). Don’t misread what I’m saying- I’m not unhappy. I have good and bad days just like anyone, and for the most part, I am thrilled. There are things that I would very much like to get out from under, but everyone has them. You taught me something about the value of keeping life simple, and it’s something I love about my fiancee. He likes simple, too. Sometimes he forgets the importance of dealing and doing away with complicated in order to maintain simple. Simple makes time for spontinaety- which, as I’ve discovered, is a huge part of who I am. I love not having every moment of my day scheduled and spelled out.
So here it is. I am never shy about saying what I think, and how I feel. I never lie, though, sometimes I tactfully edit. But I’ve been endlessly honest. I’m not sure what it is you’re trying to say- what the goal is. It seems like there is a purpose to it all that has nothing to do with me, though I can’t seem to see it. There’s always a bush we seem to circle when it comes to understanding what you want from me, and it’s important to me that I know what you’re trying to say. Sometimes I feel like you’re trying to save me, and I’m not entirely sure why.
John and I are having a steampunk themed wedding. Brandy is sewing my dress and John’s tux. I am going to be wearing a custom white corset with REAL boning. I think I want one that hooks up the front, though (that way I can put it on by myself 😀 ). If we can find the fabric, I want it to be alternating vertical stripes of white matte and shiny/satin. The skirt will be the same, with some bustling in the back. She is making me a white velvet bustle coat and I get to make the top hat. Now all I have to do is find white goggles to put on it. 🙂 I know I keep talking about themes, but we decided this one was cool, and it was a condition of Brandy sewing our wedding. I actually quite like the idea. It was very similar to the original look I had chosen. The idea came from my steampunk inspired necklace and Brandy’s love of the style…