I Breathe You In Again Just To Feel You Underneath My Skin

Thursday: "We forgive our friends a thousand faults; yet if we see so much as a single flaw in a stranger, we become inclined to keep our distance. We like what we know, we know what we like and we know (or think we know) what we are never going to like. You are being dismissive now of a proposition that seems unacceptable; yet can you not level similar criticisms at many of the factors you encounter on a daily basis, as part of your current lifestyle? Nothing is perfect, but there is hidden merit now in an offer that you are tempted to reject. Jupiter; the biggest (and luckiest) planet dominates the evening sky till December when it repeats a rare triple conjunction with Neptune and Chiron. Soon, this powerful alignment will release energy with the potential to help improve your well-being, your love life, even your financial outlook."
Friday: "Manufacturers generally know the weaknesses and drawbacks of their products. They take great care not to draw attention to these in their advertising. Can you imagine a package or promotion that lists the reasons why you might not want to purchase a particular item? There is nothing new about this, the US Supreme Court coined the phrase, ‘caveat emptor’ or ‘buyer beware’, nearly 200 years ago. It is tempting to believe what you would like to believe about an offer or proposition this week. That may not be so wise."
Saturday: "They say: the brighter the light, the darker the shadow. From time to time, we all think dark thoughts. We can’t help it. We can, though, decide whether to transform them into dark deeds. What passes through your head is private. What comes out of your mouth matters more. But what matters more than all that is what you do. Somewhere in your world, there is a bright light. Don’t look away from it in October. Be guided by it. Ignore the negativity, confusion or trouble that’s being stirred up. Just let love into your heart and wisdom into your mind. Whatever else you need will then come naturally into your life."
Okay, so an update is in order. My job is going well. The work is a lot more than I’ve done in a long time, but I find it strangely satisfying and rewarding to be doing a job in which I am never tempted or able to crack a book or write poetry on scraps of receipt paper. I never find myself lacking for either physical or mental stimulation and I never have people complaining at me that their job is so hard and unrewarding and that they are never paid what they are worth, I never have people whining at me that they are so much more financially hard done by than any other person could possibly be, What people are financially responsible for and what they make doesn’t really ever come up, and it shouldn’t. I truly appreciate my coworkers. I get along with them all. They are all friendly, they are all resposible. For the most part, they get their work done all  time, and they are completely accepting- without question- of following orders that I give them. There is a strong cooperaton morale.
Lately I’ve been mastering the paperwork. I’m mostly done with the data entry part, and now we’re onto the actual cash counting and reconciling financial variations part. That can be quite tricky, but I’ll get it with time.
In other news, John and I are finally on a much better legal level in our battle against De. She decided to write a threatening and defamatory letter about John to Chris, who is not and should not be at all involved in child maintenance affairs that are not his responsibility. Since Deanne dated, hand wrote, signed and snail-mailed the letter, we have her for harrassment and libel (yay!). We’ve been waiting for this break, and at this point, I am really glad that we said nothing until she got so angry that she made a huge mistake. I so can’t wait to see a lawyer.
John finished his last day of work last week. He tries not to show it but I know he’s sad. He wasn’t ready for it to be over. He wasn’t tired or bored of what he was doing. He liked feeling like his job was important and served a purpose. He liked his work environment and his coworkers. Even if it wasn’t his passion- I think he would have been happy having that as his career. I really do, Potentially it could have been an answer to a lot of inconsistencies in our lives. I think he will really miss the stability and stucture. Most days he tries to have a positive outlook on things. But we have to be financially tight until he finds something else. We’re both feeling a bit of despair. We’re not trapped under a rock. We’re not even trapped under a pile of them. We’re trapped under a mountain. Our problems seem endless and unrelenting. Where one is resolved another soon follows, or the same problem resurfaces with new conditions and requiring an entirely new solution. Sometimes I wonder how I have the room or the freedom to breathe. My plate is always so full and I’m expected to have the tact, civility, morality and fortitude enough not to exhibit even a moment of weakness.
I wish I had an easy button. I wish I had the ultimate answer- the ultimate solution. I wish I could be his savior. I wish I could be the destruction of all that plagues him.  How do I become that?

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 10/02/2009.

3 Responses to “I Breathe You In Again Just To Feel You Underneath My Skin”

  1. I completely know how you feel. Wherever I turn lately there seems to be something wrong, something looming on the horizon. I really hope that things get better, I hope that you can at least find a clear break somewhere along the way. *hug*

  2. You really did nail how I’ve been feeling lately, particularly with the trying not to show it. I think I explained it before when I said I wan’t to be the level-headed one in a crisis. Like when the zombies attack. I won’t be the one freaking out about our neighbours trying to eat our brains, I’ll be loading the shotgun and planning the escape route. Huddling in the corner freaking about the undead hordes doesn’t solve anything. But you know inside I’ll be worried as hell – like I am now about real-world concerns. But letting others know how worried I am isn’t productive. I just have to keep my eyes open for opportunities and keep my network of contacts strong. I’ve got friends keeping their eyes open for both of us – just in case something amazing comes along that you might be interested in.

  3. Honey, I think we all feel that way about the ones we love, like we want to be there and shoulder it all, find the solutions and make every burden easier. The more compassion, love, understanding and empathy we have, the stronger we feel these feelings. Maturity teaches us, that every person must bear their own, in order to grow and learn, but, how those around us, help hold us up at times like these, is the measure of the love and compassion, and empathy in our world. You are so loving, so empathetic, so strong in your loyalties and honour for those that you care about. I love that so much about you. It is good that you try not to show it too much, because it would just stress John out more. Also, I love that you blog it all, so that those around you will know how you feel and want to come and hold you up with thier love and empathy too, and that John is then aware of how scary you feel all of this is. Ultimately, I know, that you will be able to do all of this, although it is very hard. I love you both so much and wish that I could share your sadness with hugs, cooking something for supper, watching a movie, and lighten a few hours of the weight of your sorrows. I am so glad that you have your new job to look forward to, and enjoy, as this helps you so much. John is strong, intelligent, and resourceful. He will be able to find something to help your financial situation soon. With his experience, personality, and talents, In his heart, John is a warrior, a strength of purpose holds him up now, and that is you and Gillian. I know he will be ok because he has your love, and Gillians, plus the love his friends have for him:) In the meantime, I am so glad that you can draw strength and love from each other. Have a great week. I hope to see you soon my lovely daughter.

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