Can You Still See The Heart Of Me?

Monday: "As you journey down the highway of life, you seem to be approaching a fork in the road. One path is lit up like a neon sign displaying a bright clear message: ‘This way to the fantasy you have always longed to explore’. The other path is little more than a track. On a battered piece of wood, you can just pick out: ‘This way to a safe but humble shelter from life’s constant strife’. You may be offered such an option again but not for some while. Choose carefully over the next few days and don’t be seduced by empty glamour."
 
Tuesday: "People who work in the promotions industry soon learn that hyperbole boosts trade. Claim that your product is the latest and the greatest and you will get plenty of public attention. Merely say that it is pretty good and it will probably do the job, and few folk will show much interest. Deep down, we all know that little in life is as thrilling or exciting as we might wish it to be. This doesn’t motivate us, though, so we excite ourselves by painting glamorous pictures in our mind’s eye. A realistic option today, though, is all you need."
 
Merry fucking September. Should I be intimidated by the fact that my horoscope always seems to know what I’m doing with my life? Honestly, I don’t feel like I have a choice, here. I was given the choice to stay or to go a long time ago, and I chose to stay. I chose the easy, safe route and where has my life taken me? What opportunities have I had? There’s nothing left for me here. All of my opportunities lay elsewhere, calling my name. I think that in some ways, we are all doomed to ask ourselves "what if" about certain things. But all I can do is say that I kept my options open, invited opportunity into my life and provided the incentive for other people to come into it. If they didn’t walk through the door I left for them, then there is no alternative to consider. Other people are an inconstant factor that I cannot change.
 
People this week are being painfully sweet to me. The "I’ll miss you"’s and hugs are kind, but somehow it feels too familiar. People do a right terrific job of taking me for granted and then get themselves all distraught and misty-eyed when I’m gone. Apparently I am "beautiful" and "talented" and "addictive" and "sexy". Funny how I’m only all of those things once I begin the transition out of people’s lives. I have often felt, throughout my life, that the only time anyone has ever really cared for me was in the moment before I left their lives forever. I still feel like that about a lot of the people in my life.
 
I flipped out this morning. Blame it on PMS, I’m sure it’s at least partly responsible. But I have a severe hatred for the word Bridezilla. I hate any insinuation that I might be one. As of this morning, I feel pretty unwelcome to be a part of planning my wedding, and at the moment I barely  want anything to do with it at all. Tell me where to be and what to wear, otherwise I don’t give a flying fuck, don’t talk to me about it, I have no fucking clue, ask someone else.
 
I am really frustrated about a lot of things. I am still so on edge in so many ways, so touchy and apprehensive and some days when I look back, I find myself thinking:
What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What do I do? …Run.
 
It seems the only thing I truly have any faith in is momentum– whether forwards or back.
 
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 09/01/2009.

One Response to “Can You Still See The Heart Of Me?”

  1. You are not a Bridezilla (what a fucking retarded word anyway). And people that insinuate that you are are being ignorant. *hug*

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