You’ll Always Be Mine, I Know Deep Inside All That’s Done’s Forgiven

"You are rapidly changing your outlook on life. Ideas and arrangements that seemed, a while ago, to be highly desirable, now seem shallow or redundant. Relationships, too, are starting to alter. You want more from a situation than you suspect it can bring you. This much, you know. What you are not so sure of is whether you should try harder to see what’s possible – or go off in a different direction entirely. It may take a little while yet to reach a clear answer but that will be a process well worth going through. You need to open your heart and the best way to manage that, is to begin by opening your mind.
In September, it may seem as if old problems have returned as a troublesome opposition of Saturn and Uranus becomes briefly more powerful than the healing alignment of Jupiter, Neptune and Chiron. But this rare, positive ‘triple conjunction’ is still at work in your personal chart. Prepare for the celestial storm. Discover when your life should change forever, for the better."
 
 
I was late for work this morning. Something prompted me to turn off my alarm at some point in my sleep. I didn’t know I was a somnambulitic cellular user, but apparently, it’s true. Upon waking, I proceeded to throw on clothes so quickly that some of them were not placed in the orientation for which they were intended, and I accidentally managed to break open a bottle of nail polish in my new purse. Fortunately, I have the faith that the limited damage can be fixed. However, when I got to work, I was duly informed that we will not be paid until next Saturday, and as we are supposed to be paid on Friday, and my Saturday shift is from 8am-4pm, I have exactly one hour to get from my work to Rutherford in order to cash my cheque. Otherwise, I am royally fucked until Tuesday (which is also a work day, by the way) since Labour Day is on that Monday. The crappy part is that I’m moving on Labour Day, and will therefore require some financial cashflow. I’m up to my eyeballs in the bullshit. The laws that people think they can circumvent for their own convenience. READ THE FUCKING LABOUR CODE! I NEVER SIGNED A DOCUMENT THAT ALLOWED YOU TO BYPASS MY RIGHTS! Not to mention the fact that the people I currently work for and have served notice to are cheap, ungrateful fucks who don’t appreciate a single thing other people do for them.
 
Strangely, on mornings that are started off in a particularly shitty fashion, I get really reflective, and for some reason, really sad. I’m about to make this huge life transition again– my life is a myriad of beginnings and endings (though now that I’ve said it, it is pretty true of all life). Recently, it has been a lot of little deaths and big new beginnings. A new home, new roommates, new job, new marriage, new kid. It’s a scary thing to be pushed headlong into life. Something that I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older, is that I have learned to discern for myself what stability is. I tend to have very brief encounters with people who tend to attract the unstable or practice it themselves. And it isn’t that flying by the seat of one’s pants isn’t exciting, but it’s also terrifying, and a life from which not a lot is required of us, and we are not held accountable for the collateral damage we cause. Strangely, I am and always have been more attracted to an existence with purpose. I have spent the better part of the last 12 years (yes, believe it or not, my great soul search began at 12 years of age) digging deep, asking myself the hard questions, seeking my purpose, my desires and dreams. A job is a job is a job. It will never define who I am. I may get good at it, I may enjoy it, and it may represent a part of me in some way– but my job will never be who I am- not even if I get to be a great musician or artist. There is too much to me to be defined by a single aspect- no matter how great. The point is, that I tend to gravitate towards people who’ve managed to keep their act pretty clean, and steer clear of people who have no path, and no will to find or clear one for themself. I live and breathe and act with purpose.
 
I’m about to move away (though not particularly far) from my family again. I won’t see my Mom often anymore (not that I do, as she is out discovering herself once more, but at least prior to next week, the option has always been immediately there), and I won’t see Tori, who is also entering a major life transition: college and marriage. Who knew that the middle and youngest sisters would be going through it at the same time. Part of me hopes she waits for awhile, though, until school is over, and they have lived alone. I learned through great trial and error that these things are important. And last night, as I stood in the bathroom with my hubby, as we did our nightly grooming rituals (which I always found rather ungraceful, and completely mystery-busting, yet somehow comforting) I realized that they are more important than I ever gave them credit for. If you can watch someone scrub the crap out from between their teeth and still want to kiss them every second of every day, you’re likely going to be okay. But I wish I could be there for my sister while her life changes… to be someone who understands when the veil falls away and things really suck, and adulthood is really scary. I’m afraid for her. She’s always held a false idea that it was easy, and all the people who have a hard time are just lazy or stupid. With her attitude as it has been, I’m scared that she’s about to have her world totally rocked.
 
The last two years has been truly defining. I learned in a very abrupt manner that you leave this world alone, and in the end, the only one you can truly count on is yourself. I also learned one of the most valuable life lessons there is about companionship. I would rather have one friend I can say I trusted with my life, than have dozens of people in my life who afforded me nothing but the illusion of friendship in order to get what they wanted from me. "I just can’t find the strength to pull you up and keep you taut." I was very much like someone I love once, wherein I thought that I could fill an empty void and give myself a sense of purpose all in one shot by being at the beck and call of others in my life- by making them happy since I wasn’t. As it turns out, I was actually just being taken advantage of, and was too insecure to see it. Now that I have responsibilites and a life of my own, the people I used to provide for, in one way or another, don’t seem to think that I’m entitled to have my own problems to deal with. These people are not in my life. I am not a personal barbie doll to anyone.
 
I get tired of being ganged up on for my closed mindedness. It isn’t being closed minded. It’s being sure of myself, and isn’t that something that those same people gang up on me for not having enough of? Self confidence? I have it in spades- though it may not be the kind that people expect, or hope it will be. I find that 9 out of 10 times, the people who rag on me for not being more open minded about casual sex are just upset because they know that my rules mean they will never get into my pants. Maybe it’s those people who are closed minded. I’m a rape victim, people. I’ve been used. I’ve been the ultimate "use". Sorry, but there is no casual sex encounter possible that could ever give me what I can’t do myself. If you can’t please yourself, you’re doing it wrong. What I get out of a sexual experience is the fact that I have always been in love with my partner, and they with me. I’ve had that ability to experience love beyond words, and I haven’t ever cheapened it by handing it out like a handshake alternative because I got all lusty on someone. I’ve seen men lie, cheat, steal, kill, and rip apart the lives of those they presume to love for sex that "meant nothing." I don’t need to make nothing of myself to know it’s not for me. I’ve wondered, in weak moments, I’ve even considered. I’ve gone on dates with really good looking but painfully stupid men that I had nothing BUT sexual attraction to, and at the end of the day, I always went home alone, and to bed alone. Why? Because I find the call of the groin a pretty big turn-off. I’m not a free hooker. You want to get laid without strings attached? Quit being so cheap. Men who are all id and superego, thinking that every woman wants them, they always squirm in their panties when they get near me because they see how little I care about things like that. And despite their machismo and cockiness, they always turn out to be the most self-conscious men I know. Hey there! You pot, me kettle.
 
As for the hard months this year… the memory will be there for a long time to come. I can’t promise that I will ever forget. I think part of me needs to hold on to knowing that there is no person who will never hurt me. Some people might see that as being rather pessimistic, but I think it makes me less naive, more prepared, and a little bit stronger. In fact, in some ways, it makes me happy to admit it, because I know now that I’m not with someone safe. I’m with someone I truly want, despite what happened, despite the danger it puts my heart in. Sometimes it seems to me that I’m the only brave one, in a world full of vacant cowards.
 
All I have to say is that I won’t be the one people hurt all the time for the rest of my life. And if I have to walk away from and cut out every last one of you- so be it. People are transitory. I know what I want, I know what I need, I know what my standards are, and if I can’t live with the things that you broke, then you will have to live with them on your own. Know that I am open enough to admit that when hurt, I can be a vengeant person, and a force to be reckoned with. For the first time in years, in the last 12 months, I was hurt and lied to and deceived so entirely by the people I afforded my trust, by the people I begged not to hurt me, that I started self-mutilating again, which was an addiction it took a long time to quit. I began to seriously consider suicide options. I won’t forget how I begged for their honesty, for their fidelity, for their loyalty, and how they pretty much pissed on me whilst I knelt, begging at their feet. Now they spend their time dangling in peril. And I’m not sure I’ll ever set them down.
 
K.M.
 
 
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/30/2009.

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