I Can Cut My Heart Out And Suck The Life Out Of It Just Like You Do

Friday: "’Slow down, you move too fast, you’ve got to make the morning last.’ The message of Paul Simon’s classic song is timeless. The title, though, has dated. You would have to go a long way, these days, before you found anyone willing to confess that they were, ‘Feeling Groovy.’ It can only be a matter of time, though, before the phrase comes back into fashion. And, meanwhile, we all feel (or aspire to feel) the same thing, but we call it something different. Slow down, this weekend, and you too should start to feel that way."
 
Saturday: "Which, of these two hypothetical people, is more fortunate? The one who buys a lottery ticket and wins a million? Or the one who goes out, trips over and breaks an ankle? The answer of course, is, ‘We don’t know’. We don’t have enough information. Maybe the lottery winner has a poorly dog. Maybe they’d rather have a healthy pet than all the money in the world. Maybe the one with the broken ankle got it by tripping up and falling down a hole. Maybe they were incredibly lucky that they didn’t break their neck. Be similarly wise when assessing your own luck this week. Despite superficial appearances, it’s better than you think."
 
 
I couldn’t sleep last night. I suppose I should give myself a pass on that one. There’s so much change happening this year that it’s hard to see my feet on the ground at all sometimes. I think we’re all reeling from the changes we’re going through. I feel badly for some, wonderful about others, and completely trapped by whirlwind circumstances. Admittedly, I am very much intimidated by what is coming.
 
I got a new job yesterday. It’s a little bit whelming, because now I have to serve my boss with notice, and I’m unsure about how to go about it. I want to do it diplomatically, but things for her have been difficult, and I’m compassionate enough to want her to have a reasonably easy transition with my leaving. At least the way I’m doing it, she will get her vacation. Sometimes I feel like I’m using them as my stepping-stones, but what am I supposed to do? Be complacent with a crappy dead-end job that has shitty hours and shitty pay and means I don’t see my husband for 5 days a week? What kind of future lies in that? A job where nothing is ever really expected of me? Am I supposed to be grateful that after being ignored and overlooked for months, now Maria wants to train me for the job I was hired for? And even so, I’d be making a dollar less an hour, fully trained. My trained wage at my new job will be almost a 50% increase from where I am now. And there are benefits at this job. Finally, though it may not be the most glamorous thing in the world, I’m working towards something better, setting a precedence in my work history. This could develop into good things for me. And am I supposed to apologize for aspiring to more? For not wanting every move in my life to be an awkward stumble into another accident? Shouldn’t I want good things for myself on purpose?
 
But this pulls me away from my family- all of my family. I am going to miss them. And I know that no matter what happens, it can’t last forever, can it? Not with our daughter and in-laws living four hours away.
 
All day, all I’ve wanted to do is plug in my iPod, grab a bottle of water and go for a jog. My brain is sussing out in freak-mode as it always does, pre-major life transition. I’m hoping that the distinct advantage as living in the same city as so many of my good friends again will be an improvement on the cons. I really should consider minimizing. It is becoming clear that I may be living quite a mobile life. Oh well, I do love to travel…
 

 Not That Big                                          download album here.
Temposhark (feat Imogen Heap)
The Invisible Line (2008)
 
I can’t wait to come around to raise the stakes
I truly love a fight that’s won before it’s started; so much fun
I can’t stay in case I read your inner page
Don’t tell me I’m a right that’s wrong
I’d better put my jeans back on
‘Cause you’re not big in my life, Not big in my life
Not big in my life at all
And I’m not big in your life, Not big in your life
Not big in your life at all

I don’t ask, for everything we’ve done has passed
Who cares if we will meet again? It’s obvious that we’re not friends
I daren’t speak of what I’m wishing uselessly
My stupid vision clears to see a sugar mountain melt in me

‘Cause you’re not big in my life, Not big in my life
Not big in my life at all
And I’m not big in your life, Not big in your life
Not big in your life at all

I can cut my heart out just like you do
And I can suck the life out of it just like you do
I’m gonna pick myself up and pull myself together; never revel in recovery mode
For when commitment is a dirty word
You can’t afford to ever slip or let down your guard

‘Cause you’re not big in my life, Not big in my life
Not big in my life at all
And I’m not big in your life, Not big in your life
Not big in your life at all

(You’re not that big, You’re not that big, Oh not that big, You’re not that big)
***
 
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/14/2009.

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