I Say If The Future’s Been Drawn Out There’s No Point In Living

Monday: "Something (or someone) is now making you feel anxious, upset or even angry. Hard though it may be to ignore the ‘trigger’ for this reaction, you need to be aware that the root of a problem is buried beneath a set of superficial circumstances. Dwelling on these will make you no wiser and no more powerful. But, if you stand back, take a wider view, and have some faith in the healing gift that time brings and show a real willingness to hear someone else’s argument. Rapid, major gains will soon put you at your ease."
 
Tuesday: "If patience is a virtue, does it automatically follow that impatience is a vice? There are times when we are well advised to be edgy, restless and even tetchy. We can’t just sit around, staring into space, idly drumming our fingers while things that sorely need to be done are left undone. Or, rather, we can do this but it doesn’t do us any good! Mars is in your sign now. You’ve got a mountain to move. You are not going to shift it by just sitting around and congratulating yourself on how virtuously calm you are keeping."
 
Sometimes I am feeling so many things that it truly is hard to tell what I’m feeling at any given moment. One moment I’m fealing confident and beautiful, and excited knowing that I’m going to keep waking up pumped and ready for the next adventure. In the next moment I am feeling mellow, wanting to listen to really dreamy ambient techno while I paint or read a good book. And then sometimes my mind is on fire, aching for new information, insatiable. Sometimes I am scared, and paranoid, and feeling full of doubt, so unsure. And on some occasions, though rare, I am feeling nostalgic and sad, unable to let go, constantly looking back, worried there was something I should have done or said. Inside, my heart is a constant conflict of all of these things, flashing and fighting in a big melting pot.
 
Interestingly enough, today I was listening to Made Of Honor on my iPod, and it got me thinking. It isn’t the financial aspect, that isn’t it, because I totally get it. But nobody seems to understand. I’ve grown up being dragged to people’s weddings- sometimes, two or three of their weddings, believing that one day, it would be me. I’ve been to a lot of them, seen a lot of movies, been around people all my life who are married (and most of them happy). Now that it’s my turn, just like everything else, I don’t feel like people take me seriously. I want to be excited, I want to be able to fixate a little bit on it, be allowed to be celebratory with the rites of passage that all of those brides got to have growing up. But I don’t get to have any of that. The reception of the engagement announcement was almost unanimously a "That’s nice." I’ve had days where I am so angry at the people who are supposed to be happy and here for me that I haven’t wanted them to be there when it happens. Sometimes that has included my family. Someone even told me that I really need to let it go, because celebrating marriage is just not something people do anymore. And I want to know why people are being like this!
 What I hear when people say things like that to me is: Please stop talking about it, because if you haven’t noticed, I really don’t care. All I have to say to these people is that if they ever get married, count me the fuck out, and fuck you all. I’m seriously considering putting elopement on the table, because I’m so angry that I would be almost happier to take off for a weekend, buy a nice dress I can afford and spend the money it would take to have a wedding, having an amazing weekend with my husband, instead. I feel completely unsupported most of the time, which makes me feel really inconsequential, and I literally want to punch the people who make me feel so small when they tell me I’m important. This has also caused me to wonder how things would be different if I had stayed on the other path.
 
People are too proper, and hold their tongues out of courtesy. Maybe they shouldn’t. Their actions act in the deafening roar of their silence, and that means more than what they with-hold.
 
I miss my best friend. I really wish she was here, I feel like I need her, and I can’t even be selfish enough to do anything about it because she has so much in her own universe going on right now, even though I’m completely sure she needs it, too. I don’t know how it’s been this long and we’ve gotten through it.  I miss my friends in Vancouver, they were so much more supportive of me than anyone here is, and hence, I’ve been getting extremely homesick, and twitchy.
 
And to top it off, even though I disconnected the internet from my cell phone, I’m still getting browsing and msn charges to my phone bill. Fuck Telus, I want them to pay for my cancellation.
 
First Train Home                        Download here.
Imogen Heap
Ellipse (2009)
 
I’ve got to get on it. I’ve got to get on it. I’ve got to get on it.
Bodies disengaged, our mouths are fleshing over.
It’s just an echo game, irises retreating to ovals of white.
The urge to feel your face, and blood rushing to paint my handprint.
A Frisbee one by one; your vinyl on lamanent, just prefer some kind of contact.

First train home, I’ve got to get on it. First train home, I’ve got to get on it.
First train home, I’ve got to get on it. To Catch, to catch, catch-catch, catch.

First train home, I’ve got to get on it. First train home, I’ve got to get on it.
First train home, I’ve got to get on it. First Train home.

Temporal deadzone where clocks are barely breathing.
yet no one cares to notice for all the yelling, all night clamor to hold it together.
I want to play–don’t wait–forms in the hideaway
I want to get on with getting on with things
I want to run in fields, paint the kitchen, and love someone
And I can’t do any of that here, can I?

First train home, I’ve got to get on it. First train home, I’ve got to get on it.
First train home, I’ve got to get on it. First Train home.

So what? You’ve had one too many.
So what? I’m not that much fun to be with.
So what? You’ve come silly hatter.
So what? I didn’t want to come here, anyway.
What matters you, doesn’t matter, matter to me.
What matters to me, doesn’t matter, matter to you.
What matters to you, doesn’t matter, matter to them.
What matters to them, doesn’t change anything.

Got to get on it. First train home.
Got to get on it. First train home.
First train home I’ve got to get on it (I’ve got to get on it)
To catch, to catch, catch-catch, catch. (First train home)
First train home I’ve got to get on it. First train home. (First train home)
***

 
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 08/11/2009.

2 Responses to “I Say If The Future’s Been Drawn Out There’s No Point In Living”

  1. People are assholes and I miss you too! So much! Next chance I get I’m visiting!

  2. I’m holding you to that. I miss you. Hopefully if I am in Victoria then, everyone will be okay with a visitor.

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