I Can Fit Your Whole House In My Swimming Pool
Wednesday: "We were talking, yesterday, about the bill for existence. ‘The world,’ they say, ‘is like a hotel.’ We do not stay here forever. So what if, when we check out, we were presented with a list of charges incurred for all the services we had enjoyed? Does the Creator take American Express? And do the card companies extend credit to those in the next world. Even here, in this world, there are some things that we still don’t (yet) have to pay for. Don’t be so sure that you can’t afford the thing you need most in life, right now. Jupiter, Neptune and Chiron are now forming a rare, powerful triple conjunction."
Thursday: "Egyptian pharaohs were entombed with their worldly wealth. They did not just have money to pay for the ferry to the next world; they had enough to afford a comfortable existence – by the standards of this world, at least. Yet, in recent years, the crypts have been opened and those that were not raided by robbers have all the treasure still intact. Clearly, in the afterlife, money is not as big a deal as it is round here. Actually, even in this world, it matters less than many folk think. It is not what you need now. Faith is quite enough. Jupiter, Neptune and Chiron are now forming a rare, powerful triple conjunction."
There is a person, that for the last three days, has made their presence known to me, disappearing out of sight the moment my presence becomes apparent. It’s all bullshit and headgames. I was breakable and weak the last time this person was in my life, easily hurt, paranoid and afraid. Not this time. I should have threatened to walk the minute this person came into my life. And trust me, I will. This time, I am ready, and all that cross me will pay with their blood. I will fucking punch, slap, punch, pull, kick and bite the whole way, and if I don’t have secondary backup when it happens, this person will be lucky. But they will leave with a significant piece missing. I HAVE LEARNED THAT I AM CAPABLE OF A N Y T H I N G. Don’t underestimate me. This person thinks that they are the one who has been slighted and is justified. All that wish to join forces with this person better pray to their God that I don’t find them.
The insomnia is back. On the trip it all but disappeared. I’m beginning to think my lifelong career with insomnia is stress-based. And it’s fucking sweaty-hot here and our house has no ventilation.
My Mom took me to Manzavino’s last night for wings and greek salad. It was actually really nice. One of the things I like about being up at night is that it’s cool, and my room is cool so, when I sleep in in the mornings, I’m avoiding the heat. I wish we had a pool. I’d live in it like a hippopotamus. We sat around with a guy from Open Mic (who also doesn’t go anymore– fucking Guy and his ruining our place to go) and chatted about music. He plays Techno Jazz, if you can imagine. His influences are far more indie than mine, though I have a few. Strangely, despite that, he’s not a big fan of older music. Mom kept horrifying him with her country songs.
I don’t think I could go back to my old life, now, even if I had nobody to want to stay for. I’m not the same. My friends and my family matter so much more than they used to. A lot of the burning desire to be a Mother has been solaced by what I lacked once. I do want to have a baby, but now, because I genuinely want to be a Mother, and not because I want to fill the emptiness. I can wait. I’m in no hurry anymore.