You Don’t Want To Reach For Me, Do You? I Mean Nothing To You
Friday: "No matter how well positioned your wing mirror may be, there’s almost certainly a blind spot somewhere. Just as we have to be careful, when we are driving our cars, we have to watch out while we are leading our lives. It’s all too easy to miss a crucial fact or overlook an important matter, just because it is not directly in our field of view. You seem to be working this weekend, on the basis of an assumption. It suits you to believe that something is true. Maybe it is. In that case, why be reluctant to perform the appropriate checks? Jupiter, Neptune and Chiron are now forming a rare, powerful triple conjunction."
As it turns out, there is always more. More to experience, more to go through, more to deal with, more going on, the well is always deeper and it has no bottom. There is simply no end to the bullshit, is there?
I’m poor. This isn’t new news. But some people seem to think that its an easy thing for me. They don’t realize how I’ve managed to stay afloat– the dangerous chances I’ve had to take in order to keep my head above water. Here goes:
1. I postponed my wedding for 12 months
2. I took a job in Nanaimo and have been begging for hours, often sacrificing my only time with friends and family to work
3. I cut out one meal a day
4. I take maybe two injections a day, sometimes less (I am 4 months overdue for buying more insulin)
5. I haven’t bought test strips in almost a year, because they cost more than $75 a month
6. I reuse needle tips over and over to make them last longer
7. I burn stocked old candles instead of turning lights on
8. I sleep with a pile of blankets instead of turning the heat on
9. I minimize showers and laundry so I don’t accumulate hydro and utilities bills (I sponge bathe using my sink and a cloth)
10. I usually don’t flush unless I have to, to save on utilities
11. I have taken home the ends of rolls of toilet paper just to have some
12. My Mom has bought me breakfast, dinner and groceries on numerous occasions
13. I don’t have a car, or even a bike. I don’t take the bus. I literally walk everywhere.
14. The last cool thing I bought myself was a camelback so that I don’t dehydrate on the bike.
15. Sometimes a meal is a strip of jerky or a pepperoni stick and a pack of Mr. Noodles
16. I haven’t bought my pills for my kidneys in 6 months because they’re about $100 a month.
Now, apparently my sister and our roommate made plans behind our backs for her and her boyfriend to move into our half of the house. Yes, that’s right, the half we live in. Without speaking to us, they decided that John and I were either moving upstairs or moving out, and made arrangements for that to happen. John owns half of the house, he pays half the mortgage, pays half the bills, and I contribute, too. So we’re paying $900 or so a month for half of the house. We get our bedroom, a third of the spare room downstairs, part of the downstairs foyer, our own bathroom (which is the size of a walk-in closet) and a section of the Garage for storage. So we don’t even get exclusive use of the downstairs, and we’re paying nearly a grand.
Tori and Ian (her bf) want to rent out the downstairs for $500 a month plus bills, and they want exclusive use, which means that NO ONE ELSE is to have ANY stuff down there, and aren’t to go down there unless they need to go into the garage. That would be $400 a month less than we pay and they don’t even own it. The logic has been totally lost by these people. I pay $200 a month in rent and I don’t even have my own room. John pays mortgage and bills and he is only here for maybe 6 days a month, if that. John and I moved downstairs because we’re getting married, and there is another 4 years left on the mortgage. So we’re going to be living here, married, with roommates, for at least 3 years. We want to have space and privacy, because we’re going to be the only marriage within the house. We need space and privacy in which to bicker, fight, argue and be loud together. I am also a serious insomniac. I often go to bed just as my roommates are getting up. I don’t like the concern of having to be totally silent when I can’t sleep because the upstairs bedroom has glass french doors. The bulk of the wall space in the upstairs bedroom is also taken up by two very large picture windows, which means there is nowhere to put shelving or furnature that goes above the window sills. Thats incredibly impractical for people who own stuff and need to find a way to orient it within a small space. We spent a good amount of time and money buying supplies and arranging things so that we could actually start using the space downstairs. Now they want to kick us out of it? We haven’t even had the chance to get comfortable down there yet! Why can’t Tori and Ian take the upstairs bedroom?!
We have our own little kitchenette down there, with a makeshift pantry. We’re putting shelving up in our room. It’s nice and cool during the summer, and not too difficult to heat in the winter. Though people upstairs make noise above us with their feet, we can handle the noise, whereas John and I are both night owls and we’d be keeping anyone downstairs up all hours of the night if we were upstairs. $100 of my $200 is going to Chris, which I find absurd, because I’m paying that to live in a space that John is already paying for. We’re totally being fleeced and now it feels like I’m not even welcome in my own home. I’m seriously troubled about this. John’s condition for us moving back upstairs would be to veto my rent entirely, since I don’t get any of my own space as it is. That means that Chris would be getting exactly what he gets right now. No matter where John and I live, upstairs or down, the actual take for him, financially, would be the same.
This, on top of all of the other stress I’m going through. I’m scared. My engagement was largely ignored, and nobody thinks that people celebrate engagements anymore. So I don’t get to be happy and celebrate something that to me, is a wonderful thing. I really resent a lot of the people who got to have theirs and don’t think I should be allowed to have my day. A month into that, a bunch of stuff started going seriously wrong, and continued to for the next 4 months. At the 6 month mark of my engagement, it all came to a head and I’ve been terrified ever since. I got really hurt, and it’s been hard to try and get through that. I’m also being pulled through a court process as a result of some stupid evil bitch’s vendetta, I can’t go to Open Mic anymore because it’s totally scrubbed. Guy is using and drinking and the whole thing totally sucks now. Now I hate going when I do go. I won’t go back, and I loved it. So the one place I had to go and express something I love to do is gone. I had to postpone my wedding, which sucked and hurt. I have slaved, and waited, and put up with being fucked over and overlooked to get a position at work that I was originally hired to do, and now I don’t want it. I’m finally working more, though, still not enough, and the sacrifice is that now the only two days I got to spend with my fiancee every week, I have to spend working. This also means I never get to see my in-laws or my step-daughter. And at the end of the day, it still only just gets me by. I can’t even afford to save up to buy my fiancee his wedding band.
I don’t sleep anymore- not restfully. It’s near impossible for me to get to sleep, so I barely sleep at all. When I do, it’s short and largely interrupted by constantly waking up. I have nightmares every single time I fall asleep, so when I wake up, I don’t feel rested. I often end up oversleeping and wake up more tired than before. I feel sick and dizzy most of the time, because I can’t afford to eat properly. A lot of that is stress, too. I have migraines all the time. I feel nauseated, so I don’t want to eat, but I have to, only I can hardly afford to. I feel angry at everyone all the time. I try to outsleep my roommates so that nobody is home when I get out of bed. I feel like everyone is coming at me from all sides all the time. Everyone wants something from me but I have nothing to give them. And I am so afraid to let any of this show and put more on my fiancee, that I hide it, shove it down and pretend everything is perfect so that he doesn’t have to worry about it. But then I end up exploding anyway and I feel so guilty. I feel like I feel too much, that what I feel is overwhelming, even for me, and that I need to withdraw and take a step back. I think about running away from my life all the time. I’m scared that I’m overhwelming everyone and causing too many problems. I feel lonely, and alone, because nobody can understand how I feel or what I think. And I feel like a fucking freak because of it.
Today I freaked out at work when one of my coworkers asked me to work the only few hours this weekend I will have with my fiancee. I flipped out and burst into tears. She complained that she couldn’t work 6 days. I’m ALREADY working 6 days, and again, I won’t see my fiancee except for a few hours after work, as I am scheduled to work right through the weekend. I screamed at a customer. Fortunately he was outside and I wasn’t. Still not good. I feel like a wallet that people have been mindlessly shoving more and more shit into and now I’m bursting at the seams. I am at the very fucking edge, clinging onto it for dear life. I am seriously fraying at the ends and freaking out. I am not fucking okay!
WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE DEAL WITH YOUR OWN SHIT?! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU?!
I am sick and tired of having to burn out, freak out, fall apart and end up getting really sick for people to listen to me when I tell them that it is just too much for me to handle. DO I HAVE TO HAVE MYSELF WILLINGLY COMMITTED?! People are always piling enormous amounts of stress onto me because they think I can take it, and then I end up in the hospital for weeks because the stress has fucked with my health in a major way.
I feel like I can’t physically handle this much stress anymore, I feel sick all the time, I feel tired all the time, I feel right fucking angry all the time, and I know what the warning signs are. If this shit stays like this it is going to put me in the hospital. I know it. I’m 100% sure that it isn’t far off, now.
I’m S C A R E D.
…please listen to me…