All You Ever Wanted Was Someone To Truly Look Up To You, And Six Feet Under Water I Do…

Saturday: "A remote, heavily guarded fortress may help to keep enemies at bay, but it soon turns the occupant of the castle into a prisoner. A tough, cynical attitude may reduce your chance of ending up with a broken heart, but it will also reduce your ability to be sensitive. There’s always a price to be paid for protection. Sometimes, that price is too high. It’s better to be soft, vulnerable and ‘truly human’ than to be hard, sharp and short of compassion. Ideally, you need a balance. If in doubt this week err on the side of open heartedness. You can raise your defences again if you need to. But you really may not need to."

Sunday: "Good teachers never give up. If their students won’t grasp a point, they show it to them again and again in a slightly different way. The cosmos is, in essence, a teacher. Is it a good one? Well, it had better be… or we are all in trouble. We humans, though, make poor students. We talk about being at the University of Life, but often we don’t even realise when there’s a class going on. Why do you think the same scenario keeps cropping up in your life? Someone is trying to show you something. Be less defensive and more willing to make a discovery. And you’ll yet learn something that proves to be most profitable."

Wednesday: "The world is full of people who don’t seem to think very highly of one another. They are forever criticising, carping and complaining. Faults are too frequently found. After all, none of us are perfect. All of us, though, have merit, value and an intrinsic ability that deserves respect. You can now see much that is wrong with an idea, an arrangement or a standard of behaviour. Point this out by all means, but be aware of the frailty of the transgressor. If you seek improvement, demonstrate a willingness to understand. Jupiter, Neptune and Chiron are now forming a rare, powerful triple conjunction."

Thursday:  "You are wrong. You are mistaken. You have misunderstood something. How are you enjoying this forecast so far? Is it filling you full of enthusiasm? Can you hardly wait to see what comes next? Well that’s my point. Nobody likes to be criticised. Or made to look foolish. Our diplomatic skills are amongst the most important we possess. It is not an argument that you need to win today; it is a heart. Be magnanimous. Or if you can’t manage that, at least be polite. This will get you where you want to be a lot more quickly. Jupiter, Neptune and Chiron are now forming a rare, powerful triple conjunction."

Chris says my insomnia is unexpressed passion. My Mom and I stayed up until 3:30am talking about how lonely it is being us. How I feel inside… I’m beginning to think it’s too much- too much for me to hold in, and too much for anyone else to take. I have moments when I wonder if I am overwhelming the people around me, asking them too much… and whether or not I need to walk away (for them… or for me… or both of us).

It’s a long, sad road knowing you can feel something as intensely as I do, knowing there isn’t a living soul who could ever understand, even come close to touching the depth of emotion I’m experiencing. At night in the arms of my husband… I’m not sure he even knows what I feel- to be honest- I’m sure he doesn’t. It’s heartbreaking knowing that you were given this ability to feel something with your entire being that nobody else will ever know. You can’t share it with anyone, talk about it, make sense of it, because nobody else knows what it’s like. It’s like being given wings in a world where physics makes flight impossible. Like I’m trapped under a giant glass jar, and there is no flight- not even air.

I have nightmares every night, now. Last night I dreamt it was my birthday. I was at my Dad’s house, and so many of our friends were there. And so was… …well… someone from my past. And he brought her. In my dreams I remember telling him that I said he couldn’t bring her. When I freaked, I started screaming and yelling and telling people to get the fuck out- and he said that someone had told him I didn’t even come close to dying and he believed it. In my dream, I remember wanting to vomit, and I fell into my Dad’s arms and sobbed.

…There really is no safe place…

People call me strong a lot. I resent that analysis. I’m not. What choice do I have but to go on? I still wake up in the morning. And what am  to do with that? Roll over and will myself to die? Don’t you think I’ve tried that in the past? It doesn’t work that way. But I still hurt. I’m still vulnerable. I still break. And most of the time the people who use that word: "strong" are the ones who hurt me with it. For a change… I feel like I’m the one who needs help. I might be afk for a long time. I haven’t felt much like touching my computer lately. Mostly I just sleep. And I feel like I’m in the way, making everything worse, getting in too deep. I wish I could call a time out and take a vacation from my own life. I’m disappearing.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 07/08/2009.

2 Responses to “All You Ever Wanted Was Someone To Truly Look Up To You, And Six Feet Under Water I Do…”

  1. I know the feeling of being in the way. I’ve been having a lot of that lately, I feel like I’m keeping people from places they want to be and things they want to do. *hug* I do hope things get better for you. If you ever need a place to crash, I’m here for you.

  2. Thanks babes. If I need, I may take you up on that.

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