You’re Not Gonna Break Me Down Again

Today: "Sometimes we take our eye off the ball just for a moment and the next thing we know the ball has left the arena. Sometimes the ball doesn’t even wait for that; it disappears, right in front of our eyes. There we are, in the middle of a playing field, trying to look purposeful, yet there is nothing left for us to play with. So we try to play a different game, or to watch another ball instead. Then, back into our field of vision, comes the objective we were chasing after in the first place. Never mind why what’s happening is happening, just be glad. The Solstice this year is due to have extra special potency. Be ready for several months of amazing opportunity."
 
I wish I knew what to do. I wish there was a definite answer in the universe. The jury is so split on a verdict that they’re about to call it "hung." And then what? I’m still hurting. I want to forget it all, but as it has been clearly laid out for me, I’m not the first victim. I’m terrified. My heart has been broken so many times by so many men, now. "Have faith." It seems like such a novelty. I am worth a good man. I deserve one. I deserve to be treated like a gift. People treat me like they’re so mistified over how I don’t see how wonderful I am. What was wonderful worth all the times I got crushed? Daily I falter a little, and I try to pick myself up but the tears start coming. Every day I falter.
 
I wish I knew what everything meant. I wish I knew whether or not the button-down male from my recent past means more than he says. There are questions about that. I wish I knew what was genuine and true and what is not. I feel like I’m in someone’s gunsight right now, and I’m scared. I’m scared to try again, scared to give up. I need the man I chose to stand up and be grown up with me- to be a husband and a father. I need it. My heart hasn’t unbroken yet, and I feel it some days more than others. It gets harder when people tell me I’m making a mistake.
 
I remember when this all started. Mr. Button-Down passed me by, and I was hurt by that. But I chose to see that as being his loss. I embraced my oneness, decided that it was right for me to go it alone for awhile, while I was happy. And one day, thoughts of John started slipping in, in unexpected moments. He’d be a feature role in a dream. I found myself wondering what he was up to. So I called him and asked him to a movie. I’m not sure if I realized what a big step that was at the time. I hadn’t thought much more of it than being platonic, but I fell hard that day. He showed up at my door with a smile that could have eclipsed the sun. Nobody had ever looked at me that way. And we both fought it- the fear of the consequences, the fear of breaking the barrier that only we thought existed. The whole date, I just wanted him to kiss me. But he never did.
 
There was so much tension by the time we shared that moment that it was like someone had torn a hole in time and existence as I knew it was being sucked into it. I forgot everything. His fingertips on my arms electrified me. Nighttime meetings that ran into the wee hours of the morning, walks that I never wanted to end… all that time. It was like a wonderful, untainted daydream. Finally I was falling for someone I could share my pain with, who swore so sincerely that he could never hurt me. There was an innocence to that love– a pure faith. And I miss it. I want back the belief that true love, true, unadulterated love, exists. I’m not talking destiny or fate or soulmates. I’m talking true, real love. The kind that doesn’t hurt. I’m not asking for it to be easy- it’s never easy. I just want it to be real. Please let this all be the truth, now. Give me something to believe.
 
A question I’ve been tempted to ask, is if you regret the timing so much (and I can’t say that you do), why not just be out with it, Mr. Button-Down, and just tell me, even if it changes nothing? Are you an honest man? Why not just say you can do better?
 
I beg you. I beg all of you for the truth. John… if you don’t completely mean it all, that you love me, that she is forever cast from our lives, that I am the only one in all your scope, that I can trust you… I beg you to hurt me now and tell me the truth. It will destroy me if you do it later. I beg you. If you’re going to hurt me again, do it now. Tell me everything, leave nothing unsaid. I don’t want a life of deceit. I want a chance at true happiness. I don’t want to live an illusion or a lie. I want to be a constellation of rainbows. I want to be more. I’m breaking apart, babe. Tell me you know how to hold me together.
 
I want to believe you. Tonight, the truth is lost.
 
 
 
All I Need
Within Temptation
The Heart Of Everything (2007)
 
I’m dying to catch my breath. Oh why don’t I ever learn?
I’ve lost all my trust though i’ve surely tried to turn it around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place, give me something I can believe
Don’t tear me down
You’ve opened the door now; Don’t let it close

I’m here on the edge again, I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away from turning around
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place, give me something I can believe
Don’t tear it down: What’s left of me
Make my heart a better place

I’ve tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away
Don’t break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don’t tear me down

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place, give me something i can believe
Don’t tear it down: What’s left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place

***
 
K.M.
Advertisements

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/17/2009.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: