When You Walk Away I Count The Steps That You Take

Today: "They say, ‘You can’t judge a book by its cover.’ Many professional librarians would disagree. If you have been working in a particular field long enough, the likelihood is that you will have gained a great deal of inside information. The smallest hints would be sufficient to supply an almost encyclopedic amount of information. There may be many areas of life in which you still have a lot to learn, but in one subject at least, you are a world-class expert. Don’t waste precious time doubting and debating your own judgement."
 
Tuesday: "When you have to spend a great deal of your time running round after other people, you soon forget how to take care of yourself. Those sacrifices take their toll on your sense of identity. Even if you get an opportunity to meet your own needs, you may feel so beleaguered and beholden, that you can no longer remember what you actually want. Yet once, in a ‘previous life’, before you became so caught up in someone else’s drama, you were clear about where you ought to be going. Remind yourself of that today. Now is the right time for you to take an in-depth, up close and personal look at your life."
 
My horoscopes are becoming increasingly accurate again, in the scariest way. Funny, but I’d say they’re bang-on, upwards of 80% of the time. Only on the odd occasion do I feel that they’re inaccurate or irrelevant. And when I say they’re accurate, I mean accurate. They aren’t at all vague enough to be coincidental. They’re usually extremely accurate and touch on whatever is bogging down the majority of my mental and emotional resources from day to day. A lot has happened in the last few days. Wild, wonderful, scary things.
 
It’s taking time, to mend. But I believe that it will get better. A thing that I have asked is: "What have you learned?" But today, the question is: "What should I have learned?" It’s a toughie, and I can’t seem to figure it out. If any of you think you can take a crack at answering that, I wish you would. There are so many pessimistic answers to that question that are all implicated by what happened. There are also positive ones, though there are far fewer. And does that question have multiple answers? I wish someone would tell me what I should have gained from this experience, if I have gained anything at all. I want, more than anything, for this to bring us closer together instead of remaining this cataclysmic event in our life together that pulled us apart. Given time, I’m praying that we both just forget about this. I’m trying to be positive. It isn’t hard to be affectionate, to be the person I was with him before. When he’s with me, it all seems so much easier to overcome. A lot of it is this waiting game. Part of me is scared that we won’t get married if we wait. After all, waiting this long has provided enough time for some fundamental mistakes to be made, and the wedding almost did cease to exist.
 
As for the other thing, which is also painful and being intentionally veiled… I haven’t cried yet. I’ve gotten misty-eyed and felt the knots in my stomach and the rising in my throat, I’ve felt the emotional pain inside. But I haven’t cried, and I don’t feel it coming either. The fact that I haven’t cried is upsetting to me. What if I never do? What does that mean? And alternatively, what if there is a dam waiting to burst, and once I start crying, I don’t know how to stop? I feel like I’m in shock. I don’t know what it means. John’s reaction to it was surprising, and overwhelming, and it scares me. The pain he expresses when we speak of it never subsides. It comes on almost instantaneously, and every time he grieves about it, it is always the same. His pain about it hasn’t lessened by even an iota. I don’t know what it means that I have expressed the desire for what happened, and would have been surprised, unprepared but completely overjoyed by it, whereas he has expressed apprehension and fear at the very idea of it in any type of immediacy, and he can’t hold himself together at the merest mention of it whilst I can’t even shed a tear. I don’t know what it means. I’m also still experiencing some mild pain and discomfort, though it seems to be fading gradually.
 
John: I want to marry you. I want to recreate (someday) what we lost last week. I want that life with you. I think you learned some things about me that you didn’t know before. I am strong. But I am also sensitive, and fragile, and the ones I love can (and usually do) hurt me the most. I’m praying right now, to whatever greater power there is, that my fears, my doubts and my apprehensions fade away eventually. Any time you feel bad about yourself, any time you feel unworthy, any time you feel like the underdog, or the underappreciated… think of me. You never had to convince me that you were worth loving. I just did, and have. You never had to earn me, you already had me. You don’t have to tell me all the things about yourself that you are proud of for me to see them, I see them already. You don’t have to try so hard to do things for me to believe in you, I already do. I’m not the women in your past who have rejected you, and teased you, and ignored you and hurt you. I’m the woman that through all those experiences you wished existed. So please, appreciate me. Don’t undervalue who and what I am and disregard that fortune because it was simply handed to you, and you haven’t had to work for it. Don’t take it for granted. You want my faith? Here it is: BE MY HUSBAND! EVERY MINUTE THAT GOES BY I AM TINGLING WITH ANTICIPATION! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU MORE THAN I WANT ANYTHING IN THE WORLD! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!! I treasure you. You fill my heart up past its brim. I feel I am overflowing with love. But now you know that you can hurt me more than anyone else. That wouldn’t be possible if my feelings for you were not that immense. Don’t break my heart, John Boyes. Protect my heart. Promise me that I don’t have to worry about your fidelity, and mean it this time. In my heart, I am already your wife. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me what I am. I promise to be now, all the things that a wedding is meant to vow.
 
Yesterday John took me out for a ride, somewhere a tad remote. We went out to a VI Bridge and found an open hatch entrance underneath the south side of the bridge. We climbed up inside it using a rope that someone else had put there and it opened up into a massive room that spanned the length of the bridge (about .5km) that was separated into quarters by 3 concrete doorways sitting above the columns that support the bridge. Above the columns were three locked hatch doors (that we assume opened up a descent to the bottom of the columns). Surprisingly, it was relatively free of bugs. It was just very dusty. It wasn’t even really dirty, so much as dusty. There was grease spatter in certain areas where lubrication had seeped out onto the floor. In some places it was large enough to park a cessna in. We walked the entire span of the inside of the sectional bridge and back. We found evidence that other people had been inside (an empty can of Black Label beer, and a kids toy, as well as two grafitti tags from 1998, when the bridge was constructed) but we can’t say how long it had been since someone had gone inside. The cool thing was that at the very south end, I was singing rather quietly and it reverberated through the entire length of the bridge. The echo seemed to last forever, and it was so pretty. I kept thinking of brilliant ideas for wicked horror stories, joking about vampires and zombies. I was truly inspired by this place. We’re going back sometime this summer with the truck, and we’re going to camp inside it. We’re also going to try and record the sound in there. In the middle of the day it was loud with vehicles passing overhead, but at 2 or 3am, it might be pretty haunting. Don’t spread this information, we don’t want people going inside and throwing raves, or for it to be taken over by homeless people. This is a gem of an urban find, and we want to keep it as hidden as possible!! If any of you on the Island want to come check it out, let me know, and we’ll discuss it. If it becomes a known place, they will lock it and make it inaccessible. PLEASE DON’T SPREAD THIS INFORMATION.
 
 

  
Break
Shinedown
Us And Them
 
Let go of the misery and retrace all the steps where you’ve been
And forget all the history and start over again
For as you can see it’s up to me
For as you can see it’s all on me


I can’t erase it because it’s with me every day
The strangest feeling that never goes away
Now I have to face it because I can’t walk away
And every I go until I break

Let go of all confusion and forget the hate in their eyes
And convince yourself it’s illusion
Find a reason to survive
For as you can see it’s up to me
For as you can see it’s all on me

I can’t erase it because it’s with me every day
The strangest feeling that never goes away
Now I have to face it because I can’t walk away
And every I go until I break

So maybe I can’t be you but I choose not to be
And maybe I don’t need you to show me how to see
But what if the sky fell and time slipped away
If there are my last words then here’s what I say!

I can’t erase it because it’s with me every day
The strangest feeling that never goes away
I can’t erase it because it’s with me every day
The strangest feeling that never goes away
Now I have to face it because I can’t walk away
And every I go until I break
Go until I break, until I break
Go until I break

***
 
Things are looking up. Things are getting better. This has been an emotionally draining experience and I want to believe that things really are getting better. I need something to believe in, and I want it to be him. *You bring me to life!*
 
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/08/2009.

One Response to “When You Walk Away I Count The Steps That You Take”

  1. I’m very glad that things are looking up for you. *hugs* That looks like an awesome place! A little creepy, but only in the best possible way (if that makes sense)

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