One Thing Is Certain, I’m Good At Hurting

Today: "So, that light ahead of you in the long dark tunnel. Is it the sunshine of the long-awaited exit? Or are you looking at the headlamps of an oncoming train? Don’t be suspicious. Don’t worry that something seems too good to be true. Don’t shy away from an invitation that you ought to be running towards with open arms. You are understandably apprehensive, but your astrological outlook insists that you have got something really encouraging to look forward to. Think positive, act positive and all will turn out to be positive after all."
Saturday: "Lately, you have been watching developments in the life of a companion or a group of people with whom you are linked. There’s been a real cliffhanger of a will-they-or-won’t-they saga. By now it’s clear that, whatever else may transpire, the real moment of maximum intensity has passed and the rest of the drama is going to be light by comparison. All of which means that you can take some of the attention you have been pouring so avidly into someone else and think for a change about your own personal needs. Happily, that’s just in time this week, for you to take up a real opportunity that you richly deserve."
Trust. It’s a concept that I have to relearn now. Once you’ve lost it, life becomes a series of nonstop suspicions that never seem to end- a vast expanse of constant fear and paranoia laid out before you, with all former truths demolished in your wake. You wonder if you ever had trust at all, or whether it was always an illusion. I’m bottling right now. I have to. I have to make the attempt to let John tell me the truth, always. If I decide before a word has left his mouth that it will be another lie than he will never have a chance to fix (or, rather, renew- as this new trust will never resemble the one it is meant to replace) what he broke.
One day at a time. I’m trying not to be so self-conscious. I realize that it was more damaging than I ever intended it to be, but as if that should surprise me. Things have to get better. I believe they will. I’m sad, though, that now there must be a scar where once I felt there was a smooth, unflawed surface. I keep wondering how I end up on this same treacherous path and I cannot for the life of me figure out why.
Things that I am grateful for… the chance to do this right this time. The second chance is something I never got last time and I wanted it so badly. I cannot offer up any good reason to throw it out this time when I have it, when in comparison the evil deed was so much less. John was inappropriate with someone- and broke some fundamental rules. But Steve… fell in love with someone outside of our common-law marriage. The betrayal factor is enormously different. Trust can be rebuilt, and hopefully now that we know where it is weak, we can fortify it and make it stronger.
Cutting Mandi out of our lives was a necessary thing that couldn’t be circumvented. She lied to the both of us, and daily we are learning she manipulated both of us, and it was a matter of certainty that eventually the rift she would cause between us would be uncloseable. I am glad that in the years of my life I have managed to build a backbone and some confidence. It took a lot for me to confront this. I won’t try to justify the deceit I committed in the process of ending this. It was Machiavellian and hypocritical. But we’ve called that a draw. I remain remorseful, nevertheless.
Things I am afraid of… John is smart. I will never underestimate that. If he was not worthy of my trust and continued to carry on with Mandi, he’d find a way to do it, and I’m sure a way that would make my finding out an immense challenge. Now that some of my methods are known, it would be easier. All the same, he is pragmatic and logical, and his emotions run so deep that he is a hard person to touch or read emotionally. What he has learned from this eludes me. He says it was so hard and so stressful to hide it all from me, only to be caught anyway that he has learned that he simply can’t hide things from me and therefore won’t try. What I wish he had learned is that you should never have anything to hide from the woman you are about to Marry. If you do, you shouldn’t be getting married. From what little on this subject we have discussed, he has learned about consequence. All the while I’m wishing he was just the kind of person who could never do something like that. Drunk, when you have little self-control, perhaps I could see it. But stone sober, choosing to betray and weaving the web of lies to cover up completely sober, sane, willing decisions you have made that were deceitful…
I’m going to need time to know what to believe. But there was something emotionally painful that I cannot divulge that we both went through only a day or two after this all transpired… and his reaction, however painful, was encouraging. (My Ryleigh…). I need to believe that I am just afraid and apprehensive, and that everything he says now is really true. Part of me is paranoid that despite his compliance, at least in part, he is somewhere else. A broken heart is a hard thing to put back together again. Especially when it has been broken so many times before.
Let it go, Kassi. And let it mend.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/06/2009.

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