I’m Giving In To You, I’m A Hurricane
Monday: "It’s easy to have all the right answers. It’s harder to come up with all the right questions. It’s harder still to accept that some questions simply don’t have answers while others have several, each equally appropriate. You now seem to be looking for an ideal outcome. An agreement that suits everyone. A solution that makes perfect sense. You would be better off looking for a way to start looking at things differently! It’s not a matter of what you know, now. It’s a matter of what you know you don’t know."
Tuesday: "The world is full of people who are not allowed to say, ‘I don’t know’. Politicians, for example, sales folk or religious leaders. For many doctors, legal advisers, even teachers, it’s a tricky phrase. The world, it seems, expects them to know – and none of us like to disappoint. Though, sometimes, when we don’t know, we say we know. Then, others don’t know that we are only saying that. Somewhere in your world now, an assumption needs to be questioned. Find the courage to confess what you don’t know, and you will discover what you need to know. You haven’t got a ‘problem’. You have an incredible opportunity."
The last few days have been a welcome improvement on things. Day after day I’m starting to feel more confident,and in a direction of confident that I am comfortable with, not one that feels like bull-headed veangence. I neede to be angry for awhile, and I’m not gong to deny myself the right to be when I need to. I’ve discovered that anger is a necessary emotion, though one that needs to be properly aimed. I was really confused emotionally, and the stress that everything in the last few months put me through tied me into the thickest of knots. What Mandi has failed to understand is that she jabbed me right in the sucking wound in my chest and expected it not to effect anything. When you intentionally hurt someone where they are most vulnerable, what do you expect other than that it will cause them to come completely undone? Her attack on me was supposed to go unregarded and yet she cannot manage to return in that manner. I’m above the behavior I’ve witnessed. I won’t sink that low, and I hope she rises above. Needless to say, I’ve reached angry there. I don’t care how it hurts. Don’t stick your finger in the socket if you don’t want to be electrocuted. All know is that if she shows up at my wedding without reopening a line of dialoge far in advance, she’ll be leaving more wounded than she’ll be upon arrival.
All good things come to those who wait, huh? Well, okay. But I’ve been waiting a long damned time, and good is still on its way.
I’m curious (likely uselessly) about a few things. A few of my male friends stopped speaking to me after my engagement announcement. I’m not talking about them suddenly becoming extremely busy and keeping communication limited to monosyllabic texts and ims, or abbreviated emails, or stoic phone calls. I’m talking about a complete blackout of communication, a gaping void where once there was substance. With my Vancouver friend, this was to be expected. Though nothing had blossomed between us (I used to like him, but he is so busy that there was really no time for it) he had very recently declared lingering interest in pursuing something, despite the distance issue. But my other friend, with whom I spoke often and at great length just disappeared. I received one piece of communication before it died out completely, and at the time it made me sad. It was just one word: "Everything." I’ve encountered such a phenomena before when I’ve made a commitment to a relationship. Fortunately for me, this male friend managed to rise above his feelings about it and we’re friends to this day. But that was a long time ago, and I’m starting to wonder if the two are connected. Since my relationship began, no blogs, no emails, no ims, no facebook messages… nothing. I’m sad that our friendship, which I always regarded higher than the short span of time for which a relationship between us was even vaguely considered, did not endure. On the other hand, if my perception of the friendship has underestimated his feelings, than maybe it is better that contact has been severed. If his presence in my life could only serve to provide temptation outside of my engagement, and create tension between myself and John, then maybe he is doing the right thing by staying away, the thing that she-who-shall-not-be-named should have done. It’s a sad state of affairs, though. My hope is that any of those feelings that were had then have long since dissolved and that I am incorrect and can hope to maintain a purely platonic friendship in the future. However, if they haven’t, if they still thrive on, then I apologize to this friend for the difficult decision he had to make, and extend my understanding and great thanks for his sacrifice. I would and have done the same thing. That said: it simply underlines and emphasizes how we need to stop keeping what we think and how we feel a secret. Eventually it is too late.
John is getting me into GuildWars. I think I am actually really going to like it. I’m glad that I’m not getting suckered into World Of Warcraft. I would outright refuse to play it, purely for the subscription fees. It’s ridiculous. Wheres with GuildWars, you buy the game, you play the game. It never expires. You do, however, have to also pay on top for the expansions, but there are only 3 games total, that make up one world. I have two characters: A ranger named Irina Amalthea, and a mesmer named Yvaine Pania.
Anyhow, I’ve successfully managed to stay up all night, so it’s time to go.