I Won’t Be Mourning The Loss, Not Gonna Bear It Like A Cross
Monday: "Healing, helpful influences are at work now. You may not have all that you ever wanted – but you have seeds which, if carefully planted and lovingly nurtured, will eventually produce a bumper crop of rewards. It is, though, hard to plant anything at all if you don’t feel able to give a commitment to the land. As Mercury slips out of your sign this week, you are better off setting out to turn an empty field into a glorious plantation than embarking on a quest to find some mythical meadow full of happiness, ready to harvest."
Tuesday: Just a couple of weeks ago, we were all getting ready to combat Swine Flu. We were making plans, preparing strategies and changing arrangements with a view to handling the imminent threat. The world looks a little different now. Most of us have other priorities that are more pressing. What effort and upset we could have all saved ourselves, if only we had been more relaxed. Now, what drama looms large on your current horizon? Does it really warrant as much care and concern as you feel obliged to give it?"
Monday: "Rise to the challenge. Show some nerve, some courage and, yes, some infamous foolhardiness too. Be the fool who rushes in where the angels fear to tread. Be the twit who sticks a head above the parapet while everyone else is diving for cover. Demonstrate a dreadful lack of decorum, diplomacy or pride. Do it because you feel that it has got to be worth a try. You’ll catch flak, of course. But you’ll get a result. It will be a worthwhile result. And one that was attainable in no other fashion. The sky is urging you to be strong."
Tuesday: "Never mind what your head says, what does your heart feel? What does it know? What does it recognise? What does it yearn to express and explore? Where have you become stuck? How have you become stilted? What compromises have you made for the sake of so-called common sense? And what good have these really done you? What would you do now if you felt that you really had the freedom? Why are you not free? What stands in your way? Can’t that be changed? Would it be so bad? Or would it be wonderful?"
My life has been an uphill battle- just a series of personal wars
I’ve been left so urged to just be understood, but I know you never can.
I never have had much sleep- the moon has been a constant friend
I keep time by the sweet sound of your breath and the rise and fall of your chest.
My attempts to slip beneath your skin and give you the advantage of getting inside my head fall forever short
and I know I desire more than I have the right to expect.
I’ve been lost behind the faces of what others have made me
behind the façade of what (not whom) they expected to see.
But underneath it all, buried deep, I’m screaming
"THIS IS MY LIFE! THIS IS ME!
THIS IS WHAT I WANT AND THIS IS HOW IT’S GOING TO BE!
THIS IS MY LIFE, DAMN IT! I’M A ROCKSTAR AND A WIFE!
I AM A CAPABLE, PROFESSIONAL, AMBITIOUS WOMAN
I’M A DEDICATED, LOYAL, BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, PASSIONATE LOVER!
I’M POWERFUL AND WONDERFUL AND SOMEDAY I’M GOING TO BE A GOOD MOTHER!"
All I want is for you to really see
I carve me own path now and this is who I decide to be.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2009
Someone today told me that I looked sad. A lot of people have been telling me that lately, and I really wonder why everyone is so confused. The time has come where I know I need to talk to someone, to seek out some help. I never did see anyone about coping with everything that has happened to me in the last 18 months. The social workers and police told me that I needed to seek counselling about the psychological abuse, and everyone is right– it has been affecting me. I need everyone’s support and understanding right now. A lot of deeply wounding shit happened to me that I thought I could handle and never sought help for. That said, I’m acknowledging something that someone else I know thinks is full-on bullshit. I’m acknowledging that I’m not perfect, that I have a problem, and that I need help. A new, but very dear friend pointed me in this direction recently, and I know she’s right.
I’m afraid. I am a strong person, and I have braved worse, but it is true. I’m afraid. This engagement has put me back on the highwire I was trying to balance on before. Only this time, I know what it is to fall, and some days all I can see is the ground under me, and the complete absence of a safety net. I expect myself to succeed and I expect it so much that I’m absolutely petrified with the fear that I will be the disappointment- not you. I try to live up to what standards I feel I’m supposed to meet for you, and underneath I’m hurt that I can’t bring myself to believe that who I really am is all you expect- all you want. And it’s true– you haven’t been the sole force of my feeling that way. So much of it is my baggage- the last time I thought that who I really am was good enough, I really wasn’t. But that isn’t us, that isn’t you.
I’m going to find someone to talk to, and at some point, I want you to come. This feels like what I’m supposed to do, some heavy lifting for you, too. All of this apprehensiveness and insecurity needs to end, whether my feelings are justified or not. I need to find a means to rise above the people who are messing with our happiness. They’re external. They’re outside, and they’re completely irrelevant. It’s time to learn how to ignore them. I love you. And I believe that you do love me, only me. I believe that you are ready to get married. I believe that we will be great together. Being with you feels so right. ❤ I BELIEVE YOU, JOHN BOYES. AND I BELIEVE IN YOU. But know that falling in love with you and not running away, being engaged to you, living with you, has forced me to stare my absolute worst fear in the face. I’ve been a brave soldier for you, and I hope you know that. That said, I’m also told that I need to not sit on how I feel or what I think out of fear. Some days, I regret to admit, my position in life isn’t enough. I need other people to acknowledge the importance of it, also. If I’m going to be your wife, show that to other people. Despite how you’ve been able to behave with people in the past… it goes without saying that behaviors have to change when you dedicate your life to someone else. It means drawing a line and defending it. I deserved to be stood up for every single time Mandi made a suggestive comment. I wasn’t so much as acknowledged. If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to see or hear it, it has still fallen. Hence, even if I wasn’t there to see or hear it, it should have been considered that it might bother me, or even hurt me. I’m not jumping into this blindly. I hope it is the same for you. The entire thing with Mandi hit me right where it hurt the most, and new problems (though mostly external) have only compounded upon that initial stress. Nobody took my feelings or problems into account, so colour me selfish, but I’m not about to do so for her. No matter how I got here, I know it needs to be fixed, and I’m taking the initiative to do so. We’re both learning. You’re not alone in that, and I hope you know that I always knew that. We’re both bound to make some mistakes, even ones we didn’t know we’d made. But I am forgiving, and I can take responsibility.
You came into my life and became an enormous complication. There were so many times when I just wasn’t prepared to fight you, when I felt like what I wanted to defend wasn’t mine to do so with. Your existence within my personal world was enough to shake me down to my bones, and I prepared myself more than once to just hand over the man of my dreams to you. So many times I felt like he wasn’t really mine to give to you. Some days, it felt like he was always yours. I became so afraid that he would not be able to acknowledge the times when you advanced yourself to him (when you already knew about me) with a declaration that your advances were neither wanted or acceptable. Sometimes, I know that to be true. My future husband should not have to take a cold shower because of any other women but me. You’ve wondered why I’ve thought you were a bitch. It’s simple. As you’ve never met me, and you loathe my relationship with the man you fell in love with too late, you’ve chosen to try to entice him on numerous occasions, with the series of suggestive photos you sent, the suggestive sexual comments about yourself, the rehashing old emotional history. It’s all a manipulation. You counted on his comfort with you and trust in your friendship, and you took advantage of it. And by allowing any of it, by not putting you in your place each and every time, by not redefining your friendship in the now and allowing it to fall back into where it was when any of that was okay– he basically gave you permission to walk into my relationship and take a shit on it. Joke or not, some things are not appropriate to say to a man who is about to marry someone else, friend or otherwise. Don’t be so surprised. I’ve been manipulated a lot, and yes, enough to know it when it happens. That life isn’t yours to persue. Move on. You chose Kari. Like it or not, you chose Iska. You made your bed, Mandi Boyd. Now lay in it. Stop expecting John to fix your fuck ups. Sorry, but if you’re even on his list of priorities, considering what they are, and considering his life, now- he’s already lost me. That said, I know you will still be his friend, and I continue to extend the attempt to be one also. I can forgive. But your "block" on me only proves to me with each day of silence that you are out for nothing more than what you’ve denied. Only the guilty run away. You are not the solely all-important person in pain that you think you are. Life sucks sometimes for everyone. The difference is that the rest of us are strong enough not to lay in our own mire day after day. It’s time to end the self-obsorbed, inconsiderate, ignorant pity party and stop wallowing. It’s in you- find it. Use it. All I have left to say, is that if you really do just want to be a good friend, then maybe you need to take a step back and evaluate whether or not you qualify for that title, and take the necessary steps to ensure that you do.
Now is a time of recognition and healing. I have some problems with ME that I need to address. And I rightfully expect the people who should to understand, practice patience and be supportive. I warned everyone that my days of suppressing myself were over, and I continue to plan to follow through.