An Ode To Home On Mother’s Day

Saturday: "Tomorrow is going to come. You can’t just sit around pretending that it won’t. There will be a day of reckoning. There will come a moment when you have to account for yourself. If all you are doing, but putting something off, is shifting a source of pain from the present to the future, you are not being wise. But where there is a genuine chance of making an investment that makes tomorrow sweeter than today, you really ought to hold on for a while and review some options. Mercury is retrograde. A phase of reflection, followed by a decisive step will ensure that when you do alter everything, forever, it is in the right way."
Sunday: "Some people like making controversial statements. They get excited when they see a chance to introduce a contentious note into a conversation. Most folk, though, are meek and mild. They exchange bland platitudes and avoid meaningful dialogue, just in case it may create conflict or cause offence. This week’s big question is not which type are you, for we all know the answer! It is, ‘how far can you trust what you are being told?’ Mercury is retrograde. There’s some information you don’t yet have and a need to think more carefully about what you already know. The time to be bold and brave is when you’re sure of all your answers."
 Sometimes I’m not sure I like my horoscope… and sometimes I wonder what it’s veiled meanings are meant to actually tell me. There is pain coming. I have yet to determine the source. I’m trying not to think worst-case-scenario, here, because I think everyone knows what that would be. Perhaps unreasonably, I’ve been pushing a little bit for an elopement. I really don’t want to wait. I know how selfish I’m being, but I have the same apprehension that most other people have about it: if we wait, it will never happen. I want to marry John, so very much. I really have a one-track-mind these days, about it. It is almost all I think about. I feel a lot like I’ve pushed away something that used to take my breath away and sweep me off my feet, because of something that is never really going to subside. I’ve postponed a lot in life because of my financial standing. Money is controlling my life, and it has left me wondering if maybe I want too much, or if I need it to be everything that I need that money for. And it leaves me wondering if I want to then jeopardize a good financial situation (one I’ve worked towards my whole life) for a single day. Getting married will be one of the best days of my life, I can guarantee that, no matter how much or how little I decide to spend. But at the same time… it can’t be one of the best days of my life if it never happens. And then there is this chain reaction where because I haven’t married, I’ve automatically eliminated the possibility of some of the best days of my life: my honeymoon, my first anniversary, the birth of my first child…
This morning I’m reflecting on a lot. A dear friend helped me to really put some concentration on the real problems, and they’ve managed to surprise me. I feel unsupported. I feel inadequate. I’m acting like a martyr to ensure that someone takes responsibility for the current shortcomings, even if that person has to unjustifiably be me. At the same time, I feel like I’m asking for too much. Sometimes I genuinely do feel selfish. The people that I am used to are very open, and very forthcoming about their thoughts and feelings. This arguement that men are not "sharers" is quite untrue. I know a great number of men with whom I have an unmarred, brutally honest, open dialogue. Previous experience has taught me that men in relationships are lying cheaters who are incapable of real love, who cannot and should not be trusted, under any circumstances. I’m not limiting myself or my emotional availability because of that experience. I don’t treat everyone based on that impression I’ve been given. I’m being unduly and unfairly colored and treated by someone else’s previous bad experience.
Next summer is really, really, REALLY far away, and if I’m feeling impatient right now, the next 12-14 months are going to be longer than any you have ever experienced. I could use a serious distraction right now– like a band. I need something else, something big, that will distract me from this. Any of you out there who know me well must have noticed that I let myself get more amped emotionally than ever about this. I let myself get extremely excited, and until about a month and a half ago, I still believed that I’d be getting married in the next few months. Now we’re even farther away from that being a possibility, and have postponed it for an entire year. People have spent so long telling me that this was my time– why do I feel like I’m still waiting? And I’m trying not to feel hurt by the fact that I want to marry him more than he wants to marry me… Is it horrible to wish that it had taken longer to fall for him? Maybe I’d have more patience if that were true. It sucks wanting something so much that you know is so far away.
I am homesick today. I read some of the paper and I really miss Vancouver today. Life was simple then. Perhaps I was not the happiest I have ever been, but I was sure of myself. The future, however uncertain, held its certainties. At the moment, I feel I have neither. It isn’t so much that I feel myself faltering, not in the sense that I have previously, but I suppose that I am currently victim to an untold amount of doubt. I can never seem to enter into a project, enterprise or situation without it becoming quite complicated via other people’s issues. For the first 3 months of our relationship, life was practically an oasis (despite John’s having to be in Victoria most of the time– though difficult, I always found that a necessary and survivable sacrifice, especially since neither of us expected that to last so long). Things felt a lot simpler. I felt so very wanted and appreciated then. Most of you will probably tell me that it was just the flawlessness of the infatuation stage. But my heart still leaps up into my throat, I still sway and sweat and breathe deeper. When I see him, I still cannot stifle the world’s biggest smile. I have so much love and so much passion for my fiancee. He makes the rest of the world melt away.
In that knowledge, I have come to an understanding of myself that I never held before. I am completely alone in so many ways. I will never fill his eyes the way I fill mine with him. He will ever see me as I see him. And I don’t believe that anyone ever can.
I miss the electric hum of the skytrains pulling into and out of the stations, the three tone chime that preceeds the arrival announcements. I miss the sight of the Georgia Strait as I pull away from Waterfront Station into the vastness of the city. I miss the blinking neon lights and the constant go, go, go. Always something to do and something to see. I miss feeling like an insignificant spec when drowning in the endless sea of faces, like the personalized version of a ‘Where’s Waldo?’ book. I miss Lauren and Chris. I miss Rachel, Mike, David and Messay. I miss my beautiful Nieces and Nephew. I miss, I miss, I miss myself. I miss so very, very much the excitement of showing people the city, all the while trying to show them that I am really showing them myself. I have never felt more home in my entire life than I have in that city. If any place could be home to me, it would be Vancouver. So much of what I am is there.
I’ve spent most of today thinking of my trip to Granville Island, last year, with Lauren, Tim and Bonnie. We knew we were leaving already, then. But we were determined to go out with a bang. I hadn’t been to Granville Island since I was a little kid until we went together. We had so much fun watching the pigeons, trying to conclude which was the dominant male in a particular flock, admiring the shining green of their feathers. There is a lot from that life that I will miss. I won’t be racing across the lower mainland to see a friend flying through YVR during their layover anymore. And just when I had an excuse to look like a million bucks! I just fucking miss you all, especially since Lauren and Tim are back in Van. ***pout***
Some up news: John and I have had several days together, as I swapped a day this week with Levar and went to Victoria. It was the first long-distance ride I’ve had on the bike. It was fun, but you get really cold as it gets dark, and really stiff after about an hour-ish. It isn’t so bad on the highway for stiffness because the road is pretty straight and smooth, but on back roads, that are winding and haven’t been well-maintained, they’re bumpy and your ass gets SO sore. I had saddle-seat so bad when we got home last night. But I had a fantastic time. I applied to a few temp agencies while I was there, and am hoping to make the transition from Nanaimo to Victoria. I’ve been very tempted to quit entirely and just go there, jobless and look for work. I think I’d have greater motivation if I were to do so. At the moment, I am feeling a tad faint of heart where that is concerned. I’m so worried that if I get work in Victoria, John will soon after be dismissed by the Office of the Attorney General. We should know by the absolute latest whether he will be made a permanent staff member by September, but that seems like a dangerously long time to wait. If he sticks with this on the off chance that he may be offered something with permanence, he may miss the opportunity for an equally good job in Nanaimo, with benefits. And then I’d have to transition BACK to Nanaimo.
Anyhow, while there we went for several really great bike rides out along the shore– there are some pretty incredible homes out there. I fell in love with one in particular that was finished stained hardwood panels, with tinted floor-to-ceiling windows. It was likely 3 storeys and had a rooftop patio. It was right on the water. Gorgeous. When we went along the shoreline, we caught some hang-gliders just riding the wind coming in from the ocean. They were barely moving, and when they were, they were just hovering 20 (or so) feet off the ground, gliding up and down the sea wall. It was pretty incredible. We got some footage of it on our cell phones. We’re going to have to start a youtube channel for ourselves! We also went to see…. STAR TREK! A must-see, and a great follow up to having gone seen X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Both were incredible… but Star Trek was amazing. I’m officially a huge Zachary Quinto fan (if I wasn’t before). He did an amazing job as Spock. I can’t wait to see if there is a follow up. I’m already a massive JJ Abrams fan (and there were so many actors from other JJ Abrams shows in it) so I was really proud. They also managed to make the original Enterprise sound effects sound really cool. The awesome part of going to the Tillicum Premiere was that a ton of people went in full Trek Regalia. (I have pictures. **grin** I was ‘enson’ed by the Captain in my lineup for buying him his popcorn combo. He gave me $10 as a thank you tip. :P)
On the way back, yesterday, John took me to Butchart Gardens. I’ve never been there, and he hadn’t been since he was with Juanita, like 10 years ago. He said this time it felt right. And though I am FANTASTICALLY broke, I managed to buy him a temporary hematite/jade engagement band while we were there. Okay, okay, so it’s a cheap placeholder for the real thing (what I want to get him is a titanium wedding band with the infinity symbol brushed into it) but he said regardless, it suits him (he’s pretty simple) and he likes it. I’m glad. We had originally planned to marry in Butchart Gardens in the Sunken Garden, but we discovered that it was $800 to reserve that area of the park for a day, for only 20 guests. We definitely couldn’t afford that. But it was a nice dream. We got some fantastic pictures and had a damned good time, though.
And last but not least: To my Mother on her special day: I love you!!! Though 12 years kept us apart, I’m glad that with new eyes I got to know you. I love you dearly. Thank you for the years we salvaged. Enjoy the sun on the day of your celebration. SO MOTE IT BE! ❤ ❤ ❤
Everything in good time.       (…RIGHT NOW!!!)

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/10/2009.

3 Responses to “An Ode To Home On Mother’s Day”

  1. At least I’m closer than I was when I was stuck in Penticton. We at least have more of an opportunity to see one another. That’s what I disliked about Penticton, that no one I knew went there, like ever. At least in the city I can see people. *Hugs* I miss you so much! Loves Laurenge

  2. *imissyootoooooooo!**skwee!*You are, indeed, closer. For me the trouble is either getting the time off, or having the time off but no money to cross as a result. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, snuggled up against a double-edged sword, living a true catch-22. Ja noe?!

  3. Oh totally, I’m all but broke at the moment, we have money for bills and food and that’s about it (and only for the next couple months). 😦 I’m just worried that when I do find a job all of my free time will be taken up. But I do at least have 2 week breaks between quarters, so maybe sometime around june. Tim’s had some pretty decent bites for jobs, so we shall see. (I hope I can visit sooner!) HUGSESESE!

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