I’m Cool, I’m Calm, I’m Gonna Be Okay

Monday: "We all subtly limit one another’s aspirations. And if there’s nobody around to do it for us, we do it for ourselves. We feed false fears and, in the process, miss the sweetest fruits on the tree of life. Indeed, right there, in that analogy, is the essence of the problem. The very first tale in the book of creation is a salutary (if sexist) story about apples. It is almost as if we take some strange perverse primeval pleasure in declaring some fruits forbidden. A tempting proposition is on offer now. What’s wrong with that?"
Tuesday: "Mercury is stationary. To look at the sky from night to night, you would think it had all but ground to a halt in its journey round the zodiac. As well as being the ruler of your sign, it is the universal symbol for education and communication. It kind of fits really. A communicable disease seems to have stopped in its tracks, whilst governments around the world have made faltering progress in their effort to teach us all how to sneeze. Somewhere in your world is an enterprise that once seemed urgent and now looks irrelevant. That’s a good thing. Now is the right time for you to take an in-depth, up close and personal look at your life."
First off: tonight I may be a little extreme. I’m not sure yet. I may be less severe tomorrow. What I feel tonight and express right now may be exaggerated or inflated. I don’t know. I make no promises.
Secondly: I am fucking angry. It’s about fucking time, too.
Thirdly: it is my turn to get what I want, and I’m not making any compromises this time. Not for ANYONE.
And lastly: you want me to believe in myself? Stick up for myself? Feel important enough? Worthy enough?
You got it.
I need to start disregarding the past. I make a lot of decisions based on things that cannot be undone. Okay, so I’m one more at the end of a long list of lovers. Why should that make me feel irrelevant? Why should that make me scared? After all, they’re the ones who should feel jealous and afraid of ME. I suppose that part of me has feared that since the end of all but one of those relationships (or non-relationships, as the case may be) was John’s decision, that maybe he grasped onto me because I wanted him, too. He wasn’t left holding the pieces of his heart like a damned fool. I’ve feared that perhaps he’ll discover he just wanted to be wanted, but not necessarily by me. That’s a huge fear to conquer. That said, it’s time to conquer it. In light of the realization that others have been more right about my being insecure than I have credited them for, I’m making a strong proposition. Mandi… if you’re reading this, it’s time to close the gap. I firmly believe that you can’t really know a person until you’ve met. The internet is too impersonable. I am going to be John’s wife, and I refuse to be discriminated against, or segregated because of my impending marriage. If your intentions are pure, if you are advancing as a friendly agent and nothing more, if you have no hidden agendas, as you have so adamantly put forth… then come visit. You will be welcomed. You will be wanted. I want you to see me for who I am, and not this biased opinion you’ve formed. I have my flaws, and so does everyone else. You have no right to be my judge. So, you want John to be happy? Stop being a conflict and start being a solution.
I’m tired of being so afraid. I am worthy. I chose to be with John because it was what I wanted, not because my choices were limited. I cast this stone out into the water, hoping the ripples will come back. Nobody seems to want to take any responsibility for how they’ve made me feel. Nobody addressed the issues that I brought up when this all began, nobody resolved the issues I was having, even when I BEGGED for a resolution and told them that the fear was starting to kill me. It was allowed to snowball no matter what requests I made. I was not considered a priority and my cries for help fell on selectively-deaf ears. Nobody defended ME. I’ve explained and exhausted my position. Nobody thinks I have a right to my feelings, or that my feelings are right. To them, I’m wrong, no matter where I turn or what I say or do. So it’s time to fight them. It’s time to be brave. IT’S TIME TO STOP COOPERATING! TIME TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING COMPLIANT! It’s time to stop caring so much what people do, say or think– because it’s not like any of it really matters. It’s time to be the warrior (as I have always had to be) and forge ahead. But know this: future traitors will be executed under my blade. If justice does not find them, then as warriors have always done, I shall meet sacrifice for my inability to maintain honor.
…Sometimes it’s just nice to hear what I should already know…
…That you have been waiting your whole life…
I must warn everyone, that any time I have felt confident in myself, it has made me more confident in all aspects. In dress, in speech, in behavior. I become less afraid to say what I think or do what I want. I consider less what other people would want me to do. In order for me to be confident, sometimes I have to put myself first. Some people may be left dissatisfied that I couldn’t comply with their requests of me. I may be less amenable to demands, as I may stand up for myself and what I want, if said demand/request conflicts with what I want, just a little more. I may put my foot down and decide for myself and everyone else when it is my turn to refuse to bend- and I will refuse. I may not even take your criticisms into consideration. If that’s a problem for anyone… too bad. Nice, pushover Kassi is gone. "Be careful what you wish for" is something that perhaps should have been considered, because you’re about to get what you asked for. If you thought you knew me, you might be very wrong. People did used to call me "bitch" a lot, after all. That attitude you think you see? You’ve never even tasted it.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/04/2009.

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