Every Move I Make Feels Lost With No Direction, My Faith Is Shaking

Wednesday "What really needs to be said now? There are many remarks that could be made, or comments that could be passed. Some might pour oil on troubled waters, others surely exacerbate an already tense situation. Before you decide, consider what you are responding to. Someone in your world is making a misleading statement. If you can be clear about what they really mean it will be much easier to know what you need to say or do next. Go beyond the obvious and be generous, though not extravagant, with the benefit of the doubt."
 
Thursday "Natural story-tellers are more persuasive than folk who find it hard to tell a tale. We all like to hear an interesting explanation. If there is a bit of colour and drama in a description, we become engaged and interested. Even if a proposal is far-fetched or unrealistic, it will gain a much more sympathetic hearing if it is put forward in a disarming, intriguing way. Are you now being told a story? Are you inclined to buy into it, just because it appeals to your imagination? And to what extent are you carefully shaping a story of your own? Don’t ignore the truth today."
 
John (Thursday) "We all have eyes, and ears. They may not always work very well, but they provide us with, at least, some window on the world through which we can view our surroundings. If we were given these facilities by a generous Creator, why were we not also endowed with an automatic ability to distinguish right from wrong? Or good from bad? We have what we think is a way of telling, yet we often find that we get ourselves into the greatest trouble when we trust that mechanism too fully. Think again about the best way to judge something or someone now."
 
I resolve to do and say what I believe is right. They tell you in life, to follow your gut instict, to listen to your deepest and most honest of intuitions and believe that you know what’s right. At times, I’ve been encouraged to completely disregard these things, to ignore what I know is right, and try to have faith in something I don’t believe in. It is in these defining moments that my life has proven to become the most difficult, to put me in my worst places. It is the result of this willful ignorance that I have ended up at rock bottom, despondent and hopeless. It is in these moments that I have lost everything through the sacrifice that I have made – out of love and trust. I’m   beginning   to   realize   that   perhaps   it   is   not   me   that   is   faithless.   Perhaps   it   is   everyone   else   who   has   no   faith   in   m e.
True, it hasn’t been unheard of for me to be stubborn, to be definite, to be absolutely concrete. But at least I know what I want, know what I believe, know myself. At least I’m not constantly questioning my actions, constantly unsure of who I am. At least I have those answers most of the time. I am not held helplessly victim to others who would use scapegoats and excuses to hold me hostage, and prevent me from living my life. I get to choose who bends my will. Nobody chooses for me. I choose my future. I’ve lived a lifetime of living moment to moment constantly held under the sway of everyone else’s choices. I carve my own path, now. I know when to cut people loose when they begin to carve it for me, in a direction I dislike. People who can only serve to ruin my life are expendable. That said, people make mistakes, and certain individuals will always have room to make them. I have a certain level of forgiving for those I love. But my love is also earned– and unfortunately, due to what I have lived through, it has conditions. Unconditional love is a harmful, abusive thing.
 
There’s no coming back from everything that’s happened. I got it wrong. The time for redemption is long past. Everyone has concentrated so hard on my redeeming myself, when it should have been both ways. I dismiss those people, and their supporters. Fuck ’em all, straight up. I have no support, and now not only don’t I expect any, I don’t want it. I’m walking the plank with your knife to my back and I feel like I should be listening to my initial instinct more than ever. Fight or flight? Fight or flight? I fought. So… fight or flight?
 
 
 
…but…
 
The Climb
Miley Cyrus
7 Things (2008)
 
I can almost see it: that dream I’m dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying "You’ll never reach it."
Every step I’m taking, every move I make feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying, gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing, the chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but no, I’m not breaking
I may not know it but these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong. Just keep pushing on.

‘Cause there’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle, sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb!
There’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle, somebody’s gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb!

Keep on moving, keep climbing, keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith

***
 
I recently read an article someone sent me about the differences between men and women on a neurological level. I’m suddenly reconsidering my sexuality, and considering a nunnery. Hoping to cry to you from the bottom of a bottle…
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/29/2009.

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