Decisions Been Made So Obvious, So I Will Return Where I Started, I’ll Stay There

"We all know what other people want us to say to them. Or, at least, most of the time we do. Sometimes, we only think we know and our guess is wrong. Some of us really don’t like to be agreeable and we say what we feel like saying, regardless of the impact it may have. Such folk only make agreeable remarks when they inadvertently say the right things, albeit for the right reasons. Most of us, though, try very hard to be amenable and reassuring even if this causes us to say what we probably shouldn’t. Watch, today, for a troublesome misunderstanding."

Just for starters, I am happy. Things have been so good lately. But all the same, willfully ignoring a serious problem would be neglectful of what I want from my life, more than anything. And strange as it is after all of this past, I think I finally figured out, at the core, what the most important part of the problem is- the part I can’t ignore. It isn’t irrational, it isn’t really even complicated. It makes sense. It’s simple. I’m not even really mad. I’m just really frustrated. The root of it all has been ignored, and I’ve been complacent. It is easier to hope that the mountain can turn into a molehill if you don’t look at it. But to be honest, the boat is definitely going to sink if you ignore the breach that is taking on water.
 
Communication needs to be worked on. I share how I feel and what I think, and to be honest, sometimes I feel that the one-sidedness of it is a detriment. I’ve been urged to put the wall back up and stop sharing, because it hasn’t done any good. I am often left feeling even worse, because not only did I bare my soul, as I was encouraged to, but it didn’t matter. At least when I didn’t give any of it a voice, it could not matter out of ignorance. Now it just doesn’t matter at all. I become invalidated. I never had much validation, and I don’t get it, really, when I feel like I need it. And I’m not asking a crowd of horny men to give it to me. I’m asking only one man– THE RIGHT man. Even that seems too much some days.
 
I try to be forgiving, because I realize that his plate is full. But when I’m feeling emotionally weak, when he jumps to the attention of others who want from him that are not me, I feel maybe I am too much to be on his plate at all. I feel like a persisting problem some days, and I can think of only one way to remedy that. Tell yourselves whatever you need to, chances are, you agree with me anyway. This is a problem, it needs to be resolved, and I have every right to ask for that. I’m ASKING for that. I NEED that. I MUST have that. Don’t expect me to do and be more than you’re capable of. I’m sick of being held to a higher standard than people hold themselves at. I’m human, too. I need, and want, and hurt and survive much like everyone else does. Putting me up on a higher pedestal so that you can pile your shit up higher around me isn’t fair. It sucks.
 
I hate to be cynical, but I see the same old pattern behavior in this same old game, and I’m not sure I want to stick around and continue to be a spectator. History repeats itself. It’s a vicious circle. If this dance isn’t over, there is only room for two. I won’t be a third wheel to my own husband. Not now, not ever. I’ve had to compromise, make changes in my life, recognizing that it isn’t just about me anymore. Marriage requires a serious change in priorities. I’ve decided what is important to me. A lot of what I’ve worked on, what I’ve felt or said or done, has remained largely unreciprocated. I’m left to feel like I only hear what others HAVE to tell me, and only what they think I need to know. Maybe it is all true, then. Maybe I will never be the one.
 
Grim. A customer told me just that, too. "In the 11 years I’ve been married to my Wife, I can tell you that the most important part of making marriage work is communication. Even if it’s hard, don’t leave things unresolved. Find a way to work it out. Do what you have to if you love each other. If you need space, ask for it. Communication is the most important thing there is. It’s key. It can’t work if you don’t have that."
 
The sad thing about the failure to compromise, or the failure to sacrifice, is that the scale must be weighed. An immovable demand on one side requires an immovable demand on the other. There is a cost to all demands. Sometimes, I fear that the price is that I become a hollow void in someone else’s chest.
 
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/28/2009.

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