The Truth Is Hiding In Your Eyes, And It’s Hanging On Your Tongue…
"…Just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can’t see what kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out on my own."
"How lucky are you? How graced, how blessed and how privileged? Are you not exceptionally fortunate, just to be who you are, and to be a part of it all? You are, of course. And you know it. It’s amazing how quickly, though, we all forget the obvious. We think about what we don’t like. We focus on our fears or resentments. When do we stop and say, ‘wow, I’m alive. I’m really, truly, here. How amazing is that?’ Something today, will remind you of the deeper, wider, truth. Will that pay your rent or solve your problem? Oddly, it may help."
Life goes on. Just when I’ve been talked into thinking that I’ve been really unreasonable by the people with differing opinions, someone comes along and tells me that I’ve been far too agreeable about things that I have every right to be bothered by. Either way, I do appreciate the patience that those I care about have afforded me. It isn’t easy tiptoeing around someone who seems like they’re ready to break. But to be honest, stress effects me differently than it does other people. It turns slowly, into the weight of the world, because I try so hard to please everyone by just bearing it and not putting my foot down enough when I know something I’m being forced to agree to is fracturing the foundation of something that means the world to me. So I desperately begin to try to patch what has begun to crumble underneath it all, hoping I can save something that I didn’t break. The point is, that better people than I am would refuse to have let this bullshit continue. It would have been a definite "Hang onto your past, or hang onto me. You cannot have both." I have risen above those people and allowed something that made someone happy. But don’t be fooled into thinking there wasn’t a price to pay for it. Everybody sacrifices. It won’t be me forever. I’ve already sacrificed everything for someone. I nearly killed myself trying to make someone else happy. As it turns out, very little is worth the cost of my life. If you take away what matters to me, then I have nothing to lose. That makes me a very fucking dangerous person. So my advice? DON’T. FUCK WITH ME. I am NOT a person you want to piss off.
That said, nobody is trying to fuck with me right now. Good. The conversation struck a nerve and I’m left feeling quite agressive.
Some absolutely awesome news (though I do have my apprehensions about it’s legitimacy)! John and I attended a Bridal Exhibition several weeks ago that Amber and Jeanelle took us to. Well, if there was anything to sign up for, in terms of draws, then I did. I got a phone call from Table Charm (sounds froufy, I know), and they told me to call them back, because I’d won something. The last time I got that call, it was from Herbal Magic for some kind of weight-loss treatment, so I wasn’t expecting anything except some discount offer. Well, they called me again the next morning, so I called them back and they told me that I won a 3 Day Trip to one of 11 Destinations around the world. They told me that no purchase of anything would be necessary, and that the only thing I had to do to claim it, is to attend a 90 minute seminar on Thursday, with John. If it turns out to be something we can actually do, then we’ve narrowed our choices down to Orlando, Florida, Anaheim, California or San Diego, California. YAAAY!
*sigh* I need to play music with people who have more experience. Seriously. I go to open mic and fish for a guitarist, and even though they can play, they can’t make sense of amateur chords, or tabs, and I’m wondering why I should be impressed. Not to be insulting, but my passion for music is a foot into a career, not a hobby. I need a guitarist who can play a song he/she has never heard, without complaint, and do it well. Dave does very well, he just had to leave early. But then, Dave is a professional guitarist. The only poor part is that rock isn’t his genre. Classical is.
Anyhow, my body is telling me that it is time to go and unwind, before I catch a wind.