I’m Looking For Inspiration, And I Think I Found It In Your Heart

Tuesday: What must not be missed? Be careful how you answer! When it comes to deciding what’s crucial, we all tend to reach conclusions that can seem highly debatable in retrospect. We look back and realise we have prioritised passing shows or distracting dramas at the expense of deeper, more meaningful engagements. It’s easy to get carried away on waves of worry or clouds of excitement, not so easy to steer yourself back to the territory you truly need to explore. Aim for the right target today, though, and you’ll hit it bang on!"
Wednesday: "Many sports require a sharp eye and a keen aim. Technology, though, now offers us machines that can line up our targets for us. Laser sights and infra-red cameras allow pinpoint precision in any activity that involves movement. Still, though, no device in the world can help us decide what we really ought to be reaching for. You can now get what you are after. But if you are not sure what you really want or, worse, you are sure but you are somehow misguided, you may waste a precious opportunity. Think hard."
*sigh* Another week. Schedules are filling up quickly, and I’m looking forward to the next two weeks being virtually Johnless. I’m not keen about that, especially considering the time that we had together this last weekend. We had a wonderful time together, that I really feel like I needed. I know it’s nobody’s fault, but the distance, and the constant pull of feeling held apart has had a serious impact on me, emotionally. I’ve felt pretty depressed lately, and needing some extra attention– both are qualities I dislike, especially in myself. Just having some time together, not constantly counting down the moments until we’d be apart again was… amazing, and yet still too short. John made an investment that I hope to be able to return at some point: I now have my own motorcycle helmet. I think that’s pretty amazing. It has bluetooth, so I can connect it to my cell-phone, or to John’s Bluetooth headset. It also connects to GPS systems, satellite radio, any MP3 player, and directly to other bluetooth helmets within 30ft. I believe it has an intercom system that will pair two helmets within 250ft. It’s full-face, so it doesn’t open the way John’s does, but I think I actually prefer it that way. Anyhow, we spent a good deal of the day out together on the bike. We rode around a lot, and then went to see Monsters vs Aliens 3D. I had a total blast. It’s been a long, long time since John and I have had the time to just get out and enjoy ourselves. We’ve always had to try and cram things in to the fleeting moments between prior engagements.
This time has also given me a lot of time to reflect on my behavior. And there is someone out there, who I truly hope is paying attention, because I am so very sorry for how my panic forced me to react in a poor situation. I most definitely could have handled it better, and you deserved the benefit of the doubt. I feel terrible, I think of you every day, and I bite my nails hoping that you will read my continued apologies and reappear. In many ways, I’m still peeking out from behind my strategically placed post-it note, too. I crawled behind it that day and shamefully misplaced some blame. I’m not out to find a reason not to like you. I like the person that I’m getting to know, and it’s important to me that I make the boldest attempt that I can to convey my sadness over what I have caused. I’m not trying to defend myself, or justify myself. I make mistakes, and I am human.
What happened was a stupid misunderstanding, and I don’t want to continue to make a mountain out of a molehill. We have both done enough of that. As for where we go from here… I’ve made it clear that I plan to go about this as an adult. I know you will still be around (and that’s good, I want you around), whether you choose to be visible to me or not. I will not be in a relationship with someone who needs to hide things from me, for whatever reason. That is childish bullshit that I won’t be a part of. Don’t ask him to lie to me, and hide from me. So can we just get this out in the open amongst those involved, resolve it, and move on please?

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/14/2009.

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